Robert Asprin
Little Myth Marker
Chapter One:
"The difference between an inside straight and a blamed fool is callin' the last bet!"
-B. MAVERICK
"CALL!"
"Bump."
"Bump again."
"Who're you trying to kid? You got elf-high nothing!"
"Try me!"
"All right! Raise you limit."
"Call."
"Call."
"Elf-high nothing bumps you back limit."
"Fold."
"Call."
For those of you starting this book at the beginning (Bless you! I hate it when readers cheat by reading ahead!), this may be a little confusing. The above is the dialogue during a game of dragon poker. What is dragon poker, you ask? Well, it's reputed to be the most complicated card game ever invented ... and here at the Bazaar at Deva, they should know.
The Bazaar is the biggest shopping maze and haggling spot in all the dimensions, and consequently gets a lot of dimension travelers (demons) passing through. In addition to the shops, stalls, and restaurants (which really doesn't do justice to the extent or variety of the Bazaar) there is a thriving gambling community in residence here. They are always on the lookout for a new game, particularly one that involves betting, and the more complicated the better. The basic philosophy is that a complicated game is more easily won by those who devote full time to its study than by the tourists who have dabbled in it or are trying to learn it as the game goes on. Anyway, when a Deveel bookie tells me that dragon poker is the most complicated card game ever, I tend to believe him.
"Fold."
"Call."
"Okay, Mr. Skeeve the Grater. Let's see you beat this! Dragons full!"
He exposed his hole cards with a flourish that bordered on a challenge. Actually, I had been hoping he would drop out of the hand. This particular individual (Grunk, I think his name was) was easily two heads taller than me and had bright red eyes, canines almost as long as my forearm, and a nasty disposition. He tended to speak in an angry shout, and the fact that he had been losing steadily had not mellowed him in the slightest.
"Well? C'mon! What have you got?"
I turned over my four hole cards, spread them next to the five already face up, then leaned back and smiled.
"That's it?" Grunk said, craning his neck and scowling at my cards. "But that's only ..."
"Wait a minute," the player on his left chimed in. "It's Tuesday. That makes his unicorns wild."
"But it's a month with an ‘M' in it!" someone else piped up. "So his ogre is only half of face value!"
"But there's an even number of players...."
I told you it was a complicated game. Those of you who know me from my earlier adventures (blatant plug!) may wonder how it is I understand such a complex system. That's easy. I don't! I just bet, then spread the cards and let the other players sort out who won.
You may wonder what I was doing sitting in on a cutthroat game of dragon poker when I didn't even know the rules. Well, for once, I have an answer. I was enjoying myself on my own for a change.
You see, ever since Don Bruce, the Mob's fairy godfather, supposedly hired me to watch over the Mob's interests at the Bazaar and assigned me two bodyguards, Guido and Nunzio, I've rarely had a moment to myself.
This weekend, however, my two watchdogs were off making their yearly report to Mob Central, leaving me to fend for myself. Obviously, before they left, they made me give my solemn promise to be careful. Also obviously, as soon as they were gone, I set out to do just the opposite.
Even aside from our percentage of the Mob's take at the Bazaar, our magic business had been booming, so money was no problem. I filched a couple thousand in gold from petty cash and was all set to go on a spree when an invitation arrived to sit in on one of the Geek's dragon poker games at this club, the Even-Odds.
As I said before, I know absolutely nothing about dragon poker other than the fact that at the end of a hand you have five cards face up and four face down.
Anything I've tried to get my partner, Aahz, to teach me more about the game, I've been lectured about "only playing games you know" and "don't go looking for trouble." Since I was already looking for mischief, the chance to defy both my bodyguards and my partner was too much to resist. I mean, I figured the worst that could happen was that I'd lose a couple thousand in gold. Right?
"You're all overlooking something. This is the forty-third hand and Skeeve there is sitting in a chair facing north!"
I took my cue from the groans and better-censored expressions of disgust and raked in the pot.
"Say, Geek," Grunk said, his red eyes glittering at me through half-lowered eyelids. "Are you sure this Skeeve fellow isn't using magic?"
"Guaranteed," responded the Deveel who was gathering the cards and shuffling for the next hand. "Any game I host here at the Even-Odds is monitored against magic and telepathy."
"Weelll, I don't normally play cards with magicians, and I've heard that Skeeve here is supposed to be pretty good in that department. Maybe he's good enough that you just can't catch him at it."
I was starting to get a little nervous. I mean, I wasn't using magic... and even if I was going to, I wouldn't know how to use it to rig a card game. The trouble was that Grunk looked perfectly capable of tearing my arms off if he thought I was cheating. I began racking my brain for some way to convince him without admitting to everyone at the table just how little I knew about magic.
"Relax, Grunk. Mr. Skeeve's a good player, that's all. Just because he wins doesn't mean he's cheating."
That was Pidge, the only other human-type in the game. I shot him a grateful smile.
"I don't mind someone winning," Grunk muttered defensively, "But he's been winning all night."
"I've lost more than you have," Pidge said, "and you don't see me griping. I'm tellin' you Mr. Skeeve is good. I've sat in on games with the Kid, and I should know."
"The Kid? You've played against him?" Grunk was visibly impressed.
"And lost my socks doing it," Pidge admitted wryly. "I'd say that Mr Skeeve here is good enough to give him a run for his money, though."
"Gentlemen? Are we here to talk or to play cards?" the Geek interrupted, tapping the deck meaningfully.
"I'm out," Pidge said, rising to his feet. "I know when I'm out-classed even if I have to go in the hole before I'll admit it. My marker still good. Geek?"
"It's good with me if nobody else objects."
Grunk noisily slammed his fist down on the table, causing several of my stacks of chips to fall over.
"What's this about markers?" he demanded. "I thought this was a cash-only game! Nobody said anything about playing for IOUs."
"Pidge here's an exception," the Geek said. "He's always made good on his marker before. Besides, you don't have to worry about it, Grunk. You aren't even getting all of your money back."
"Yeah. But I lost it betting against somebody who's betting markers instead of cash. It seems to me..."
"I'll cover his marker," I said loftily. "That makes it personal between him and me, so it doesn't involve anyone else at the table. Right, Geek?"
"That's right. Now shut up and play, Grunk. Or do you want us to deal you out?"
The monster grumbled a bit under his breath but leaned back and tossed in another chip to ante for the next hand.
"Thanks, Mr. Skeeve," Pidge said. "And don't worry. Like the Geek says, I always reclaim my marker."
I winked at him and waved vaguely as he left, already intent on the next hand as I tried vainly to figure out the rules of the game.
If my grand gesture seemed a little impulsive, remember that I'd been watching him play all night, and I knew how much he had lost. Even if all of it was on IOUs, I could cover it out of my winnings and still show a profit.