Guido nodded vigorously. "No," he said.
"Then all you have to ... what do you mean, ‘no'? Do I have to explain it all to you again?"
My bodyguard heaved a great sigh.
"I understand the situation, Boss. But I don't think you do. Allow me to continue where you left off."
"But I..."
"Now, whatever you are, Don Bruce considers you to be a minor chieftain in the Mob running a profitable operation. Right?"
"Well..."
"As such, you are entitled to a nice house, which you have, a couple of bodyguards, which you have, and a moll, which you don't have. These things are necessary in Don Bruce's eyes if the Mob is to maintain its public image of rewarding successful members... just as it finds it necessary to express its displeasure at members who fail. Follow me?"
"Public image," I said weakly.
"So it is in the interests of the Mob that Don Bruce has provided you with what you have failed to provide yourself ... namely: a moll. If you do not like this one, we can take her back and get another, but a moll you must have if we are to continue in our existing carefree manner. Otherwise..." He paused dramatically.
"Otherwise...?" I prompted.
"If you do not maintain the appearance of a successful Mob member, Don Bruce will be forced to deal with you as if you were unsuccessful... know what I mean?"
I suddenly felt the need to massage my forehead. "Terrific."
"My sentiments exactly. Under the circumstances, however, I thought it wisest to accept his gift in your name and hope that you could find an amicable solution to our dilemma at a later date."
"I suppose you're... Hey! Wait a minute. We already have Massha and Tananda in residence. Won't they do?"
Guido gave his sigh again. "This possibility did indeed occur to me as well. Then I said to myself: ‘Guido, do you really want to be the one to hang the label of moll on either Massha or Tananda, knowing those ladies as you do? Even if it will only be bantered around the Mob?' Viewed in that light, it was my decision to go along with Don Bruce's proposal and leave it to you to make the final decision ... Boss."
I shot a sharp glance at him for that last touch of sarcasm. Despite his affected speech patterns and pseudo-pompous explanations, I occasionally had the impression that Guido was far more intelligent than he let on. At the moment, however, his face was a study in innocence, so I let it ride.
"I see what you mean, Guido. If either Massha or Tananda are going to be known as ‘molls,' I'd rather it was their choice, not mine. Until then, I guess we're stuck with... what's her name? Bunny? Does she wiggle her nose or something?"
Guido glanced across the room at the other two, then lowered his voice conspiratorially. "Just between you and me, Boss, I think you would be well advised to accept this particular moll that Don Bruce has personally selected to send. Know what I mean?"
"No, I don't." I grimaced. "Excuse me, Guido, but the mind's working a little slow just now. If you're trying to tell me something, you're going to have to spell it out."
"Well, I did a little checkin' around, and it seems that Bunny here is Don Bruce's niece, and ..."
"HIS N..."
"Ssshh. Keep it down. Boss. I don't think we're supposed to know that."
With a supreme effort, I suppressed my hysteria and lowered my voice again. "What are you trying to do to me? I'm trying to keep this operation under wraps and you bring me Don Bruce's niece?"
"Don't worry."
"DON'T W..."
"Sshh! Like I said. I've been checking around. It seems the two of them don't get along at all. Wouldn't give each other the time of day. The way I hear it, he doesn't want her to be a moll, and she won't go along with any other kind of work. They fight over it like cats and dogs. Anyway, if you can trust any moll to not feed Don Bruce the straight scoop, it's her. That's why I was sayin' that you should keep this one."
My headache had now spread to my stomach.
"Swell. Just swell. Well, at least..."
"The one thing I couldn't find out, though," Guido continued with a frown, "is why he wants her with you. I figure that it's either that he thinks that you'll treat her right, or that he expects you to scare her out of bein' a moll. I'm just not sure which way you should play it."
This was not turning out to be a good night for me. In fact, it had gone steadily downhill since I won that last hand of dragon poker.
"Guido," I said. "Please don't say anything more. Okay? Please? Every time I think that things might not be so bad, you drag out something else that makes them worse."
"Just tryin' to do my job," he shrugged, obviously hurt, "but if that's what you want... well, you're the Boss."
"And if you say that one more time, I'm liable to forget you're bigger than me and pop you one in the nose. Understand? Being the ‘Boss' implies a certain degree of control, and if there's one thing I don't have right now, it's control."
"Right, B... Skeeve," my bodyguard grinned. "You know, for a minute there you sounded just like my old B ... employer. He used to beat up on Nunzio and me when he got mad. Of course, we had to stand there and take it...."
"Don't give me any ideas," I snarled. "For now, let's just concentrate on Bunny."
I turned my attention once more to the problem at hand, which was to say Bunny. She was still staring vacantly around the room, jaws working methodically on whatever it was she was chewing, and apparently oblivious to whatever it was Nunzio was trying to tell her.
"Well, uh... Bunny," I said, "it looks like you're going to be staying with us for a while."
She reacted to my words as if I had hit her "on" switch.
"Eeoooh!" she squealed, as if I had just told her that she had won a beauty pageant. "Oh, I know I'm just goin' to love workin' under you, Skeevie."
My stomach did a slow roll to the left.
"Shall I get her things, Boss?" Nunzio said. "She's got about a mountain and a half of luggage outside."
"Oh, you can leave all that," Bunny cooed. "I just know my Skeevie is going to want to buy me a whole new wardrobe."
"Hold it! Time out!" I ordered. "House rules time Bunny, some things are going to disappear from your vocabulary right now. First, forget ‘Skeevie.' It's Skeeve ... just Skeeve, or if you must, the Great Skeeve in front of company. Not Skeevie."
"Gotcha," she winked.
"Next, you do not work under me. You're ....ou're my personal secretary. Got it?"
"Why sure, sugar. That's what I'm always called." Again with the wink.
"Now then, Nunzio. I want you to get her luggage and move it into ... I don't know, the pink bedroom."
"You want I should give him a hand, Boss?" Guido asked.
"You stay put." I smiled, baring all my teeth. "I've got a special job for you."
"Now just a darn minute!" Bunny interrupted, her cutie-pie accent noticeably lacking. "What's this with the ‘pink bedroom'? Somehow you don't strike me as the kind that sleeps in a pink bedroom. Aren't I moving into your bedroom?"
"I'm sleeping in my bedroom," I said. "Now isn't it easier for you to move into one of our spares than for me to relocate just so you can move into mine?"
As I said, it had been a long night, and I was more than a little slow. Lucky for me, Bunny was fast enough for both of us.
"I thought we was goin' to be sharin' a room, Mr. Skeeve. That's the whole idea of my bein' here, ya know? What's wrong? Ya think I got bad breath or sumpin'?"
"Aahh ... ummm ..." I said intelligently.
"Hi, Guido ... Nunzio. Who's ... oh wow!"
That last witty line didn't come from me. Massha had just entered the room with Markie in tow and lurched to a halt at the sight of Bunny.