He straightened up a bit, draping one arm around my shoulders.
"I'll try, but it isn't easy," he said in a tone that was almost conversational. "You see, regardless of what I said when I was ranting at you about how much of a problem Markie was going to be, it's been a long time since I was a parent. I've been sitting here, trying to remember what it was like. What's so surprising to me is the realization that I've never really stopped. Nobody does."
I started to shift uncomfortably.
"Hear me out. For once I'm trying to share some of my hard-won lessons with you without shouting. Forget the theories of parenthood! What it's really all about is taking pride in things you can never be sure you had a hand in, and accepting the responsibility and guilt for things you either didn't know or had no control over. Actually, it's a lot more complicated than that, but that's the bare bones of the matter."
"You don't make it sound particularly attractive," I observed.
"In a lot of ways, it isn't. Your kid expects you to know everything ... to be able to answer any question he asks and, more important, to provide a logical explanation of what is essentially an illogical world. Society, on the other hand, expects you to train your kid in everything necessary for them to become a successful, responsible member of the community... even if you aren't yourself. The problem is that you aren't the only source of input for the kid. Friends, schools, and other adults are all supplying other opinions, many of which you don't agree with. That means that if your kid succeeds, you don't really know if it was because of or in spite of your influence. On the other hand, if the kid goes bad, you always wonder if there was something else you could have said or done or done differently that could have salvaged things before they hit the wall."
His hand tightened slightly on my shoulder, but I don't think he did it consciously.
"Now, I wasn't a particularly good parent... which I like to think places me in the majority. I didn't interact much with my kids. Business was always a good excuse, but the truth was that I was glad to let someone else handle their upbringing as much as possible. I can see now that it was because I was afraid that if I tried to do it myself, that in my ignorance and uncertainty I would make some terrible mistake. The end result was that some of the kids turned out okay, some of them... let's say less than okay. What I was left with was a nagging feeling that I could have done better. That I could have-should have-made more of a difference."
He released his hold on my shoulders and stood up.
"Which brings us to you."
I wasn't sure if I should feel uncomfortable because he was focusing on me, or glad because he was pacing again.
"I've never consciously thought of you as a son, but in hindsight I realize that a lot of how I've treated you has been driven by my lingering guilt from parenthood. In you, I had another chance to mold someone ... to give all the advice I felt I should have given my own kids. If at times I've seemed to overreact when things didn't go well, it's because deep inside I saw it as a personal failure. I mean, this was my second chance. A time to show how much I had learned from my earlier perceived failures, and you know what? Now I'm giving it my full attention and my best shot, and things are still going wrong!"
This was doing nothing to brighten my mood. On top of everything else, now I had the distinct feeling I had somehow let Aahz down.
"I don't think you can say it's your fault, Aahz. I mean, you've tried hard and been more patient with me than anyone I've ever known. Nobody can teach someone else everything, even if they could remember what should be taught. I've got a certain saturation point. After that, I'm not going to learn anything new until I've digested what I've got. Even then, I've got to be honest and say there are some things I don't believe no matter how often you tell me. I've just got to find out for myself. A craftsman can't blame his skill if he has defective material."
"That's just what I've been thinking," Aahz nodded. "I can't keep blaming myself for everything. It's very astute of you to have figured this out at your age ... without going through what I have."
"It's no big thing to figure out that I'm a dummy," I said bitterly. "I've known it all along."
Suddenly, I felt myself being lifted into the air. I looked past Aahz's hand, which was gripping my shirt by the collar, down the length of his arm, and into his yellow eyes.
"Wrong lesson!" he snarled, sounding much like his old self. "What you're supposed to be learning isn't that you're dumb. You're not, and if you were listening, I just complimented you on that fact."
"Then what ..." I managed, with what little air I had left.
"The point is that what's happened in the past isn't my fault, just like what's happening now isn't your fault!"
"Aaggh ... urk ..." was my swift rebuttal.
"Oh! Sorry."
My feet hit the floor and air flooded back into my lungs.
"All a parent, any parent, can do is give it their best shot, right or wrong." Aahz continued as if there had been no interruption. "The actual outcome rests on so many variables, no single person can assume responsibility, blame, or praise for whatever happens. That's important for me to remember in my dealings with you... and for you to remember in your dealings with Markie. It's not your fault!"
"It isn't?"
"That's right. We both have strong paternal streaks in us, though I don't know where you got yours from, but all we can do is our best. We've got to remember not to try to shoulder the blame for what other people do .. like Tananda."
That sobered me up again. "You know about that, huh?"
"Yeah. She told me to tell you goodbye if she didn't see you, but I guess you already know."
I simply nodded, unable to speak.
"I was already worried about how you were going to react to the problems with Markie, and when Tananda left I knew you were going to take it hard. I've been trying to find a way to show you that you aren't alone. Right or wrong, what you're feeling has been around for a long time."
"Thanks, Aahz."
"Has it helped at all?"
I thought for a moment. "A bit."
My partner heaved another sigh.
"Well," he said, "I tried. That what's important...I think."
"Cheerio, chaps. How's every little thing?"
I glanced up to find Chumley striding toward us, beaming merrily. "Oh. Hi, Chumley."
"I thought you'd like to know," the troll announced, "I think I've figured out a way to charge the damage Markie caused this afternoon back to the Mob as a business expense!"
"That's swell, Chumley," Aahz said dully.
"Yeah. Terrific."
"'Allo, ‘allo?" he said, cocking his head at us. "Any time the two biggest hustlers at the Bazaar fail to get excited over money, there's got to be something wrong. Out with it now. What's troubling you?"
"Do you want to tell him, Aahz?"
"Well..."
"I say, this wouldn't be about little sister leaving the nest, would it? Oh, there's a giggle."
"You know? "I blinked.
"I can see you're all broken up over it," Aahz said in a dangerous tone.
"Tish tosh!" the troll exclaimed. "I don't see where it's anything to get upset about. Tananda's just settling things in her mind, is all. She's found that she likes something that goes against her self-image. It might take a few days, but eventually she'll figure out that it's not the end of the world. Everybody goes through it. It's called ‘growing up.' If anything, I think it's bloody marvelous that she's finally having to learn that things don't stay the same forever."