"Close enough," I declared. "I can bone up on these on my own time. Where do we go from here? How much should I bet on the hands?"
"Not so fast," Aahz said. "First, you've got to finish learning about the hands,"
"You mean there are more? I thought..."
"No. You've got all the hands ... or will have, with a little practice. Now you've got to learn about conditional modifiers."
"Conditional modifiers?" I echoed weakly.
"Sure. Without ‘em, dragon poker would be just another straightforward game. Are you starting to see why I didn't want to take the time before to teach you?"
I nodded silently, staring at my list of card hands that I somehow had a feeling was about to become more complex.
"Cheer up, Skeeve," Chumley said gaily, clapping me on the shoulder. "This is going to be easier than if we were trying to teach you the whole game."
"It is?" I blinked, perking up slightly.
"Sure. You see, the conditional modifiers depend on certain variables, like the day of the week, the number of players, chair position, things like that. Now since this match is prearranged, we know what most of those variables will be. For example, there will only be the two of you playing, and as the challenged party you have your choice of chairs... pick the one facing south, incidentally."
"What my big brother is trying to say in his own clumsy way," Tananda interrupted by squeezing my arm softly, "is that you don't have to learn all the conditional modifiers. Just the ones that will be in effect for your game with the Kid."
"Oh. I get it. Thanks, Chumley. That makes me feel a lot better."
"Right-o. There can't be more than a dozen or two that will be pertinent."
The relief I had been feeling turned cold inside me.
"Two dozen conditional modifiers?"
"C'mon, big brother. There aren't that many."
"I was going to say I thought he was underestimating," Aahz grinned.
"Well, let's bloody well count them off and see."
"Red dragons will be wild on even-numbered hands...."
"... But unicorns will be wild all evening...."
"... The corps-a-corps hand will be invalid all night, that's why we didn't bother to list it, partner...."
"... Once a night, a player can change the suit of one of his up cards...."
"... Every five hands, the sequence of cards is reversed, so the low cards are high and vice-versa...."
"... Threes will be dead all night and treated as blank cards...."
"... And once a four-of-a-kind is played, that card value is also dead...."
"... Unless it's a wild card, then it simply ceases to be wild and can be played normally...."
"... If there's a ten showing in the first two face-up cards in each hand, then sevens will be dead...."
"... Unless there is a second ten showing, then it cancels the first...."
"... Of course, if the first card turned face up in a round is an Ogre, the round will be played with an extra hole card, four face up and five face down...."
"... A natural hand beats a hand of equal value built with wild cards...."
"Hey-that's not a conditional modifier. That's a regular rule."
"It will be in effect, won't it? Some of the conditional modifiers nullify standing rules, so I thought we should..."
"ARE YOU PUTTING ME ON?!!"
The conversation stopped on a dime as my coaches turned to stare at me.
"I mean, this is a joke. Right?"
"No, partner," Aahz said carefully. "This is what dragon poker is all about. Like Chumley said, just be thankful you're only playing one night and get to learn the abbreviated list."
"But how am I supposed to stand a chance in this game? I'm not even going to be able to remember all the rules."
An awkward silence came over the table.
"I ... uhh... think you've missed the point, Skeeve," Tananda said at last. "You don't stand a chance. The Kid is the best there is. There's no way you can learn enough in a few days or a few years to even give him a run for his money. All we're trying to do is teach you enough so that you won't embarrass yourself-as in ruin the reputation of the Great Skeeve-while he whittles away at your stake. You've got to at least look like you know what you're doing. Otherwise you come across as a fool who doesn't know enough to know how little he knows."
I thought about that for a few.
"Doesn't that description actually fit me to a ‘T'?"
"If so, let's keep it in the family. Okay?" my partner winked, punching me playfully on the shoulder. "Cheer up, Skeeve. In some ways it should be fun. There's nothing like competing in a game without the pressure to win to let you role-play to the hilt."
"Sure, Aahz."
"Okay, so let's get back to it. Just listen this time around. We'll go over it again slower later so you can write it all down."
With that, they launched into it again.
I listened with half an ear, all the while examining my feelings. I had gone into the first game at the Even-Odds expecting to lose, but I had been viewing that as a social evening. It was beyond my abilities to kid myself into believing this match with the Kid was going to be social.
As much as I respected the views of my advisors, I was having a lot of trouble accepting the idea that I would help my reputation by losing. They were right, though, that I couldn't gracefully refuse the challenge. If I didn't stand a chance of winning, then the only option left was to lose gracefully. Right?
Try as I might, though, I couldn't still a little voice in the back of my mind that kept telling me that the ideal solution would be to take the Kid to the cleaners. Of course, that was impossible. Right? Right?
Chapter Fifteen:
"I need all the friends I can get."
-QUASIMODO
WHILE my life may seem convoluted and depressing at times, at least there is one being who never turns from me in my hours of need.
"Gleep!"
I've never understood how a dragon's tongue can be slimy and sandpapery at the same time, but it is. Well, at least the one belonging to my dragon is.
"Down, fella... dow... hey! C'mon, Gleep. Stop it!"
"Gleep!" my pet declared as he deftly dodged my hands and left one more slimy trail across my face. Obedient to a fault. They say you can judge a man's leadership ability by how well he handles animals.
"Darn it, Gleep! This is serious!"
I've often tried to convince Aahz that my dragon actually understands what I say. Whether that was the case here or if he was just sensitive to my tone, Gleep sank back on his haunches and cocked his head attentively.
"That's better," I sighed, daring to breathe through my nose again. Dragons have notoriously bad breath (hence the expression "dragon mouth"), and my pet's displays of affection had the unfortunate side effect of making me feel more than slightly faint. Of course, even breathing through my mouth, I could still taste it.
"You see, I've got a problem... well, several problems, and I thought maybe talking them out without being interrupted might..."
"Gleep!"
The tongue slicked out again, this time catching me with my mouth open. While I love my pet, there are times I wish he were... smaller. Times like this . .. and when I have to clean out his litter box.
"You want I should lean on the dragon for you, Boss?"
I looked around and discovered Nunzio sitting on one of the garden benches.
"Oh. Hi, Nunzio. What are you doing here? I thought you and Guido usually made yourself scarce when I was exercising Gleep."