trying.
Which is, somehow, why I’m on a train to Berkeley. I think. In addition to the friendship thing, I’ve had increasingly distressing thoughts about my dress binder. I can’t believe I gave it to him! THE WHOLE THING. Not, “Here are the relevant five pages.” But six months of planning and daydreaming. What does he think when he looks at it? I recall each floofy, frilly, overthe-top picture, and my scribbled hearts and notes and doodles, and I want to die. He must think my brain is made of cake.
I have to get it back.
Besides, I’ll also need my notes this week. I have a ton of work to do on the dress. So, really, it’s practicality that led me onto a train as soon as school let out. The ones that run to the surrounding cities are sleeker than the ones that rumble through San Francisco. They rocket through the stations with fierce howls, but their passengers share the same tired and bored expressions. I fidget with my red, heart-shaped sunglasses and watch the dirty, industrial side of Oakland whiz by.
It’s a lonely ride. It’s only twenty minutes, but including the wait for the train at the station and the local train I took to get to
this
train, I’ve been traveling for over an hour. I can’t believe St. Clair does this every day. Now I know when he does his homework. He travels an hour—two hours, since he has to return!—to see Anna. And she does this every weekend to see him.
What will Cricket say when I show up? He knows it’s not a quick trip. Maybe I should tell him that I was vintage clothes shopping in the area, so I thought I’d drop by. Friends drop by, right? And then I can casually mention the binder and take it home. Yes, the friend thing and then the binder thing. Because that’s why I’m going.
So why haven’t you told Max?
I squirm in my seat and push away the question.
Apparently, I’m only grounded from things that involve my boyfriend. When I told Andy today that I was going to Lindsey’s for a
Pushing Daisies
marathon, he didn’t blink. He even gave me money to pick up a pizza. I think he feels guilty about Norah. It’s been a week and a half, and there’s still no sign of her leaving. Last night, one of her usuals even stopped by for a reading. My parents and I were already in bed when someone began pressing our doorbell like it was a panic button. I imagine that when Nathan gets home tonight, there’ll be another hostile dispute. I bet Andy would rather be watching old television and eating pizza, too.
I’m not sure why I didn’t tell him I’m visiting Cricket. I honestly don’t think Andy would mind. Maybe I’m afraid my parents would mention it to Max. I mean, I
will
tell Max eventually, when it’s really, really, really clear that Cricket and I are just friends.
When we’re comfortable around each other.
I exit at the Downtown Berkeley station and head toward campus. Thanks to conversations with St. Clair, I know what dormitory Cricket lives in. I’ve printed out a map online. It shouldn’t be too difficult to find, even though it’s been a while. I used to drag Lindsey here sometimes on weekends to go shopping on Telegraph Avenue, but since last summer—and since Max—we haven’t left the city together.
The buildings in this town look more California, less San Francisco. They’re pretty, but they’re newer and squarer. Instead of gingerbread Victorians with stained glass and peeling paint, they’re made from stable brick. And there are beautiful trees everywhere, lining streets that are wider and cleaner and quieter. It’s busy enough, though, and everyone walking or bicycling around me is college-aged.
I push back my shoulders to appear more confident.
It’s weird to think about Cricket living here. My memories of him are so connected to the lavender house in the Castro that it’s difficult to picture him anywhere else. But that might be his drugstore. And that might be his taqueria. And that might be where he buys his Cal Golden Bears memorabilia!
No. It’s impossible to picture Cricket in a T-shirt with a school mascot on it.
Which is why we are friends.
It takes another fifteen minutes to walk the long, sloping road to the Foothill Student Housing, and my mind can’t help but add the time to St. Clair and Anna’s tally. It’s obscene how much time they spend getting to each other every day. And I’ve never heard them complain, not once. I can’t even believe how often Cricket returns home. Lugging his laundry, no less!
An unsettling thought occurs to me.
His laundry bag. It’s never full. Cricket has a large wardrobe for a guy; there’s no way he’s bringing
all
of his dirty clothes home. Which means he’s doing some of his laundry here. Which means . . . what? The laundry is an excuse to come home? But he doesn’t need an excuse to hang out with Calliope. She wants him there. So the excuse must have been crafted to strengthen a different reason for coming home.
Calliope’s voice rings inside my head:
The special trips home to see you.
An uncomfortable question lodges itself in the pit of my stomach. And what am I doing right now?
Making a special trip to see him.
Oh, no—
I stop dead in my tracks. The Foothill Student Housing is TWO dormitories, on opposite sides of the street. I’d been expecting a high-rise. And I thought I’d be able to waltz in to some kind of . . . help desk. But I don’t see anything resembling a help desk, and not only are there TWO dormitories, but each is made up of a series of labyrinth-like buildings shaped like Swiss chalets. Evil, evil Swiss chalets surrounded by tall gates.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
Okay, calm down, Dolores.There’s probably an easy solution. You can figure this out. No biggie.You’ve made it this far.
I try one of the gates. Locked.
ARRRRGHHHHHH.
Wait. Someone’s coming!
I pull out my cell and start chatting like crazy. “Ohmygod, I know. Did you see those spurs that urban cowboy was wearing at the gas station?” I pretend to reach for the gate just as the girl on the other side exits. She holds it open, and I give her a wave of thanks as I keep walking and chatting to no one.
I’m inside. I’M INSIDE.
Lindsey would be so proud! Okay, what would she do next? I examine the courtyard, and I’m dismayed to find the situation looks even worse from in here—endless buildings, floors, and hallways. Locks
everywhere.
On
everything.
It’s a freaking fortress.
This was such a stupid idea. This was the stupidest idea of all of the stupid ideas I have ever had in my entire stupid life. I should go home. I’m still not even sure what I’d say to Cricket when I saw him. But I hate that I’ve already come this far. I crumple onto a bench and call Lindsey. “I need help.”
“What kind of help?” She’s suspicious.
“How do I find Cricket’s building and room number?”
“And you need that information
why
?”
My voice grows tiny. “Because I’m in Berkeley?”
A long pause. “Oh, Lola.” And then a sigh. “You want me to call him?”
“No!”
“So you’re just gonna show up? What if he’s not there?”
Crud. I hadn’t thought about that.
“Forget it,” Lindsey says. “Okay, call what’s-his-name. St. Clair.”
“Too embarrassing. Don’t you have access to school records or something?”