“You have to be honest with yourself.”
“Lola. You look . . . different.”
The next afternoon and I’m on Max’s doorstep, sans wig and fancy makeup. I’m wearing an understated skirt and a simple blouse, and my natural hair is loose around my shoulders. “Can I come in?” I’m nervous.
“Of course.” He moves aside, and I enter.
“Is Johnny here?”
“No, I’m alone.” Max pauses. “Do your dads know you’re here?”
“They don’t have to know where I am
all the time.
”
He shakes his head. “Right.”
I wander toward his couch, pick up the Noam Chomsky book on his coffee table, flip through the pages, and set it back down. I don’t know where to begin. I’m here for answers. I’m here to find out if he’s the one.
Max is staring at me strangely, about something other than my sudden presence. It makes me even more uncomfortable. “What?” I ask. “What’s that look?”
“Sorry. You . . . look a little young today.”
My heart wrenches. “Is that bad?”
“No. You look beautiful.” And he gives me that gorgeous half smile. “Come here.” Max collapses onto his beat-up couch, and I climb into his arms. We sit in silence. He waits for me to speak again, aware that I’m here for a reason. But I can’t form the words. I thought being here would be enough. I thought I’d know when I saw him.
Why is the truth so hard to see?
I trace his spiderwebs. Max closes his eyes. I lightly brush the boy in the wolf suit in the crook of his elbow. He releases a moan, and our lips find each other. He pulls me onto his lap. I’m helpless against the current.
“Lolita,”
he whispers.
And my entire body freezes.
Max doesn’t notice. He lifts the edge of my shirt, and it’s enough to wake me up. I yank it back down. He startles. “What? What’s the matter?”
I can barely keep my voice steady. “Which one, Max?”
“Which one, what?” He’s unusually dazed. “What are we talking about?”
“Which Dolores Nolan are you in love with? Are you in love with me, Lola? Or are you in love with Lolita?”
“And what is
that
supposed to mean?”
“You know exactly what it means. You call me Lolita, but you get weird when I’m not dressed up, when I look my age. So which one? Do you like the older me or the younger me?” A worse thought occurs. “Or do you only like me
because
I’m young?”
Max is furious. He pushes me off his lap and stands up. “You really want to have this conversation? Right now?”
“When would be a better time? When, Max?”
He swipes up his lighter from the side table. “I thought we’d been over the age thing. I thought it was something that bothered
other
people.”
“I just want the truth. Do you love me? Or do you love my age?”
“How the HELL can you say that?” Max throws his lighter across the room. “In case you’ve forgotten, let me remind you. You chased ME down. I didn’t want this.”
“What you mean you ‘didn’t want this’?You didn’t want
me
?”
“That’s not what I said!” he bursts out. “Oh, I wanted you. But guys like me aren’t supposed to go after girls like you, remember? Isn’t that what we’re talking about? Jesus. I don’t know what you want me to say. It sounds like every answer I give you will be the wrong one.”
The truth hits me with a vicious punch to the gut.
Every answer is the wrong one.
“You’re right,” I whisper.
“Damn right, I’m right.” A pause. “Wait. Right about what?”
“There’s no right answer. It doesn’t exist. There’s no way this can end well.”
He stares me down. For several moments, neither of us speaks.
“You’re not serious,” he says at last.
I force myself to stand. “I think I am.”
“You
think
you are.” His jaw hardens. “After your parents. After
Sunday brunch
? Do you have any idea what I’ve put up with to be with you?”
“But that’s just it! You shouldn’t have to ‘put up’ with—”
“Did I have a choice?” Max closes the distance between us.
“Yes. No! I don’t know . . .” I’m shaking. “I’m just trying to be honest.”
“Oh.” His nose is an inch from mine. “You’re ready to be honest.”
I swallow hard.
“Honestly,”
he says, “I don’t know who you are. Every time I see you, you’re someone different. You’re a liar, and you’re a fake. Despite what you think, despite what your dads have told you, there is nothing
special
about you. You’re just a little girl with a lot of issues.
That
is what I think about you.”
And then . . . my world goes black.
“Love,” I blurt. “I thought you loved me.”
“I thought I did, too. Thank you for making things so clear.”
I stumble backward in horror. For one crazy moment, I want to throw myself at his feet and beg for his forgiveness. Promise to be someone else, promise to be
one
person.
Max crosses his arms.
And then . . . I want to hurt him.
I step back into him,
my
nose against
his
. “Guess what?” I hiss back. “I am a liar. I do like Cricket Bell. You’re right. I’ve been hanging out with him this whole time! And he’s been in my bedroom, and I’ve been in his. And I want him, Max. I
want
him.”
He’s shaking with rage. “Get. Out.”
I grab my purse and throw open his front door.
“I never want to see you again.” His voice is deathly low. “You are nothing to me. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” I say. “Thank you for making things so clear.”
chapter twenty-five
I’m dizzy. Seeing spots. Stumbling. Walk or bus? Walk or bus? I’m walking. Yes, I’ll walk home. But then I see the bus and somehow I’m on the bus and I’m sobbing my guts out. A hipster with an ironic mustache shifts down a row. An elderly man in a baseball cap knits his brows at me, and the woman with the quilted jacket looks as if she actually wants to say something. I twist away and continue weeping.
And then I’m pulling the cord and I’m off the bus and I’m staggering uphill. Toward home. It feels like someone is clawing at my stomach, my chest, my heart. Like my insides are being ripped from my body and stitched to my skin for the world to ridicule.
How could he? How could he say those things?
How could my life change so drastically, so quickly? One minute we were fine. The next . . . oh God.
It’s over.
I want to crawl into bed and disappear. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to think or do anything.
Max.
I clutch my chest. I can’t breathe.
Get inside, Dolores. You’re almost there.
I’m only two houses away when I see them. The Bell family. They’re wrapped in a heated discussion in the center of their small driveway. Mr. Bell—tall and slender like the twins, but with sandy hair—is shaking his head and gesturing at the road. Mrs. Bell—shor ter, but with the twins’ same dark hair—is rubbing her fingers against her temples. Calliope’s back is to me, hands on her hips. And Cricket . . . he’s staring straight at me. He seems shaken, no doubt by both my sudden appearance and how I actually appear. The rest of his body turns to face me, which reveals another surprise.