And he turned away and started to say something else into the camera.
My mum pulled me back, away from the TV van.
I was ever so upset. It was my big moment and I couldn’t find my own words to talk with. And my hands had crept back into my pockets – Josie’s pockets – of their own accord.
Mum said, ‘You were fine, dear. But I do wish you hadn’t grinned at him like that. Anyone might have thought you were enjoying yourself.’
But I was thinking, ‘Is that all? Is that all there is?’ I thought it was going to be wonderful and special. But it wasn’t. And the man from London Tonight talked as if it was just another item of news. Not as if it was special and I was special.
The lady policeman came over and said, ‘We’ll be ready to go in five minutes. Now, you know what to do, don’t you?’
My mum said yes, I knew what to do.
The lady policeman said, ‘Right, good, because we’ve been over the route, haven’t we? So all you have to do is follow it, not too fast, and do what we know Josie did. All right?’
My mum said it was all right.
So the lady policeman said, ‘Don’t be nervous. We’ll all be close by. But don’t look at us and don’t look at the cameras. Pretend you’re out on your own.’
And Mum said thank you very much.
Then, when we were standing by ourselves again, she said, ‘You know, what I don’t understand is, why did Josephine go the long way round? If she was going to her friend in Methley Street, why did she leave the square by the art school? Why didn’t she go up Bowden Street?’
My mum doesn’t understand anything. I know why Josie Farraday went the long way round. It’s because she didn’t want to walk past Broadgate Estate. None of us likes walking past Broadgate Estate because the white boys shout at us, and the black boys stare at us. The square is safe, but from where I live you have to pass Broadgate Estate to get there. Usually I run. And so does Caro.
You can hear people fighting in Broadgate Estate. The women scream with the windows open. And the men and boys hang over the balconies and shout at us when we go past.
Once when Caro and I went past, someone shouted, ‘Does your friend fuck?’ And we started to run. I couldn’t believe it. I mean, which one of us was he talking to? And which one was the friend? Caro and I discussed it for ages, but we never could decide. It was very, very mysterious. Caro said he was on drugs. She says they all take drugs in Broadgate Estate. They must be very funny drugs if they make you lean over a balcony and shout, ‘Does your friend fuck?’
I can remember when no one shouted anything. No one seemed to see us. But that’s all changed. Caro says it’s because nowadays we wear bras. She calls our bosoms ‘chesticles’. And she calls Cornwall Court, where we live, ‘Castle Cornwall’ because of the iron gates and the security locks. She says we’re like princesses locked in a tower. But I said, ‘If I were a princess I wouldn’t have to do the washing up.’
And she said, ‘Or homework.’
I am excused homework tonight because of the reconstruction. Which is another reason why this is the most special day of my life.
My mum said, ‘I think they’re ready for you, dear. Now, do what you’ve been told, and don’t worry, I won’t be far away.’
My mother treats me like a child. I wish she’d go home and let me enjoy myself. No one can enjoy themselves with their mother looking on.
I started from the steps of Josie Farraday’s house. The lights were blinding. Everyone was watching. I wanted to toss my hair out of my eyes so I could see everyone watching. But it wasn’t my hair, it was Josie’s, and Josie’s always flopped in her eyes.
I come down the steps, sort of clumping on my heels. It isn’t my fault. It’s because of the horrid black shoes. Clumping on my heels made me feel as if I actually looked like Josie. And Josie’s socks started slipping down my legs. So I pulled them up. Which is what Josie was always doing. It was one of the things that made her a nerd. And I am furious. Josie is making me look like a nerd on TV.
All the lights were on in the art school because they have evening classes there.
Caro and I tried to get in once, to see what they got up to, but they turned us out. One of the students told us strangers weren’t allowed in. She said it was because some dirty old men were always trying to get a peep at the nude models. I wish we could have seen a nude model but we only saw the entrance hall which was dark and dusty.
After you walk past the art school, you get to Kennington Park Road. I turn right, because that’s what Josie did.
Cleaver Square is like a small dark room in a house. When you leave it, it’s like going outside. Life begins outside Cleaver Square. On the main road it’s never dark, and lorries and buses rush past at all hours of the day or night.
People were crowded at the windows of the White Bear pub to see me walk by. And just then, a number 33 bus went past and everyone stared out. The lady policeman told me they would stop the buses down by the tube station and give all the passengers leaflets with a number to ring if anyone remembered me – I mean Josie.
Why would anyone remember Josie? She was just a nerdy girl who clumped on her heels. She didn’t look like anyone in particular. And how could anything happen on Kennington Park Road? It’s so public and ordinary.
A policeman was standing in front of me to remind me to go down Ravendon Road. So I turned right again. Out of the light and into the dark. Ravendon Road is a creepy black corridor and I felt like a rabbit going into a hole. If Josie met a man it must have been somewhere like this. Where she couldn’t see him properly, and he couldn’t see her. If he could’ve seen her properly he’d have seen the clumpy shoes, and the socks.
She’d have seen… Well she wouldn’t have seen a strong beautiful man with blue eyes. Sex attackers aren’t like that. You can always recognize a sex attacker on TV because he has piercing eyes and he stares. And while he’s staring he smiles. But it isn’t a nice smile. It’s a crocodile smile. Sometimes he has a scar on his cheek. If Josie could’ve seen him properly she’d have known he was a sex attacker. Except Josie was too stupid to know anything.
This must have been where they met. Because, if Josie didn’t meet someone in Ravendon Road she would have gone to her friend’s house which is just round the corner in Methley Street. And they would have spent all evening watching TV and doing French irregular verbs. I know they would, because that’s what Caro and I were doing at Caro’s place.
Anyway the police know she turned into Ravendon Road because someone saw her. And they know she came out again the same way because the next time she was seen it was in the newsagent opposite Kennington Park where she bought a packet of smokey bacon flavoured crisps. And that is very mysterious because her mother told the police Josie didn’t like smokey bacon flavour. So I think she bought them for the man. And that is very peculiar too. Because when she went into the newsagent there wasn’t a man. She went in alone.
Caro and I have talked about this a lot. Caro said, ‘A sex attacker has to be a grown-up man, doesn’t he?’
I said, ‘Yes. Except, what about some of those boys from Broadgate Estate?’
And she said, ‘They wouldn’t be strong enough.’
I said, ‘But it’s very weird, Josie Farraday buying smokey bacon flavour crisps for a grown-up man.’
Caro said, ‘Maybe he hadn’t paid his paper bill, and he didn’t want to go into the shop in case Mr Dessai shouted at him for the money.’
I thought that was a very good idea. But I said, ‘Yes, except can you imagine him, out on the main road with everyone going by, saying to Josie Farraday, “Would you mind going in there and buying me a packet of crisps?” I wonder if he gave her the money?’