Looking Through the Personals
by F. Alexander Brejcha
Lonely oxygen-breathing male seeks female companion.
Bi-sexual species professional seeks similar carbon-based female for friendship, possible relationship. Endoskeletal only, biped preferred. Must enjoy nature, intellectual discussions and harmonious music in 30 to 15,000 hertz range. Reply with DNA coding and hologram at InterStelNet address seeker02Bi@survey.com.
saBRRina@spo.com/060499;1123
Dear seeker02Bi:
Or should I call you seeker? :GRIN: What is your name anyway? And what on Earth is the InterStelNet? I know the Internet even reaches into orbit now, but did I miss a name change? I sent this as if you’re on the Internet and I hope you get it.
I just had to respond to your ad. It’s the first time I’ve gotten one in E-mail, and it’s wild. “Bi-sexual species,” “carbon-based” and “endoskeletal”? Usually I see things like nonsmoking, non-drinking and HIV-free. Well, I can assure you I fit your criteria, even if my endoskeleton is probably a little more deeply buried than most guys are willing to put up with. Occupational hazards of being a desk-jockey at the bottom of the world. My name is Sabrina Wilcox (saBRRina—it’s cold down here!), I’m forty years old and single, and if you are interested, I am a bipedal non-smoker, non-drinker, and HIV negative. Not much chance for infection when I work twelve-hour days buried in the middle of Antarctica, and the only men here are past their primes, married to their jobs or other scientists—and the only affairs they are interested in is the standard one with the Internet. :-(
Like I said. Occupational hazards. The guys are working on the radio telescope or on wildlife monitoring, and I’m monitoring subsurface ice flows around the whole region via robot probes and remote sensors.
What do you do? You said “professional,” but you didn’t explain what kind. Tell me a little about yourself? Even if I’m stuck down here for the moment, having an electronic pen pal with your imagination might be just the break I need. Besides, I’ll be out of here in another three months, two weeks, five days and seven hours… can you tell I’m looking forward to it? ;-)
Oh, about the DNA coding and hologram: you’re out of luck with both. I did attach a color graphics file with a photo of me, but that’s all you’re going to get. I don’t exactly have my DNA profile lying around to send up online, so I can’t help you there. But as for the interests you mentioned: we’re in synch there—especially if you like classical music (but please: no opera). And add old movies to that list. I especially love the old black and white comedies from the thirties and forties. Frank Capra, George Cukor and those directors, with Cary Grant, Gary Cooper, Katherine Hepburn and Jean Arthur. It’s hard to find them in original form since they’ve all been colorized and made three-dimensional—but I’m building a nice collection in my computer thanks to some online friends.
Well, take care, and hope to hear from you.
Sabrina :-)
seeker02Bi@survey.com/ 060499;1746
Dear Sabrina :-)
If that is correct. Earlier in your note, you indicated Wilcox as your secondary name. Is:-) a middle name? If so, what are the :-( and ;-) you used?
Irrelevance.
I am concerned. I am replying in a text mode equivalent to your transmission, and please forgive if my language usage is awkward. That is because I do not interact with your people. I am not empowered to. I am an observer, but my servo-system is malfunctioning and interfaced with your electronic communications system and improperly posted several random-address companionship requests to demographically appropriate users. It is factual that I am lonely, and I have verbalized that feeling where my servo could hear it, but I am in this system on limited placement and will be relieved in due course. Further communications would be inadvisable due to policy constraints of my placement…
But… a query:
In examining your attached graphics file I noticed a similarity between feature topography and your symbology. Further correlation with my existing morphological and cultural data-bases indicated that positive emotional states in humans result in an upturned mouth, equating with the stylized :-) symbol—if it is turned halfway around. Is this a correct deduction? It would also correlate with your use of :-( when discussing a less favorable situation.
If so, your communicating with me indicates a positive emotional reaction. But what is ;-)?
Awkward.
I too appreciate interaction. Due to additional equipment malfunctions, I am unable to communicate with my supervisors or home until my relief transport arrives in two of your years.
Perhaps some discreet communications would not be totally inappropriate, if kept confidential? Thank you.
Seeker :: =E)
saBRRina@spo.com/060599;0923
Why, Seeker, what big teeth you have… Ever read Little Red Riding Hood?… Naah, probably not.
:: ? Plenty of “four-eyes” online—still, despite new surgical corrections—but usually that means glasses. Are you trying to tell me you actually have four eyes? You REALLY have to attach a picture with your next note. :-) I’m also curious, did you get any other responses to your ad, or am I the lucky solo sucker?
My query: Who’s stranger: someone who posts an ad like yours, or someone who replies? :GRIN:
I’m trying to figure you out, and I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities. Either you’re some hardcore science fiction fan doing some net-surfing for fun, or you’re actually an alien observer. You’ll have to forgive me for leaning towards the former explanation, but I have to admit you piqued my curiosity since I am a bit of a science fiction fan myself.
But I’ll warn you: my tastes run to older stuff. Too much fantasy these days. It may be totally ridiculous, but I love the old space operas of E.E. Doc Smith and John Campbell, where huge space ships and fantastic aliens keep upping the ante in their battles and explorations—even moving whole planets when necessary. Maybe that’s another form of fantasy, but when reading it, I can pretend it’s SCIENCE fiction. And I like a lot of the hard science fiction stories and novels that were out later, but I’m sick of dragons, shape-shifters, cyberpunk and alternate universes.
Oh, you’re right about the symbols (as if you don’t already know that :GRIN: ) and ;-) is a wink, of course. And those three are only a few of the dozens of BIXies I see every day on my base Network. Others include :-D for a big smile, 8-) for smile with glasses, and…
Hmm… I’d better be careful or I’m going to start believing you!
Really, what is it that you do do? Oops… hopefully your work isn’t… crap, that is. It can’t be too bad if you don’t have any communications with your supervisors. I’m really curious. I’ve been trying to figure out where on the Internet you’re hooked in, and how you can send and receive messages with a non-standard E-mail address. I’d love to talk about that—much more than continuing to role-play “alien observer and human.” I never could get into those games.
Well, if you want to get “real,” I’d love to “talk” again. Take care.
Sabrina
seeker02Bi@survey.com/ 060699;1311
Dear Sabrina:
Forgive my response delay, but I have been concerned about the wisdom of communicating with you. But I also had a personal concern.
Given the absence of the positive emotion symbol after your name, I am worried that I may have offended you. I had no such intent. Some of your colloquial expressions are beyond my servo-system’s translation capabilities, but I wanted to respond to a few of your points, hoping to correct any misconceptions, even if this is not a wise thing to do.
And it is so lonely here!