'These are yours?" she asked crossly, apparently looking for more evidence of Toede's impertinence.
"Uh, no!" said Toede quickly, passing a hand over his heart to ascertain that it was still beating. "They… er… belong to a rival of ours"-he indicated himself and Groag-"who is overrunning our city with his undead."
"Please, most powerful lady!" interrupted Groag, falling to his knees. "Please save our city! The necromancer's forces will kill everyone! I was a fool to have trusted him, but they'll all die unless you help."
The shining maiden of the Abyss did not deign to smile. "Why," she asked, "in the name of the Dark Lady herself would I want to stop the undead from slaying every living being here?"
"Because… ah… because…" Groag stammered to a halt.
"Because you are letting one small evil destroy a greater potential evil," put in Toede. "This city is the greatest repository of malice and mischief on the Blood Sea. No bloody-handed madmen, mind you, no great armies of foul-spawned warriors, no megalomanic world-conquerors, but petty evil, venal evil, and greedy evil. This town has been a haven for pirates, con men, thieves, and all manner of ne'er-do-wells and outcasts, along with crooked merchants, mercenaries, and yes, a few madmen, or mad-beings. It is a spawning ground for ill will and evil activity, for hatred and corruption, and unless action is taken and taken quickly, it will be replaced with the silence of the grave, and the shambling of the zombies' tread."
Toede was winded from his long exposition and had to bite the inside of his mouth to avoid saying more. Judith had closed her eyes halfway through his discourse. Now she opened them, and Toede saw they glowed with the crimson fire of the hearth. "Your argument has merit. Evil turns on itself all too often in this world. The appeal is granted."
She waved a hand. The two hobgoblins heard the sound of popping corn in the courtyards outside, growing in intensity as it swept outward, and reaching a crescendo with a loud bang that sounded like the detonation of a gnomish invention.
That would be the whale, thought Toede.
Judith's steely gaze returned to the former highmaster of Flotsam. "As I stated before, you are supposed to be dead."
Toede nodded. "Yes. I have died. Three times now, each time in painful fashion, and each time was restored to life again. Are you the agent of my recovery, the torturer whose task it is to send me here time and again?" he asked.
Then Judith did something very surprising. She laughed. It was not the merry laugh of the party-goer, or the demure chuckle of the debutante, but loud, rollicking laughter that seemed to start in the Abyss and work its way to the surface with the force of a mounting earthquake. Toede took two steps backward. Groag moved for the shelter of the throne.
"I am not such an agent," said Judith. "Witness those fools responsible for your reanimation."
There was another sphere of multicolored lightning, and two twisted and shackled figures materialized in the throne room. They were manacled together, the metal bands around their wrists and ankles still glowing from some recent die in the furnace.
The pair were in obvious pain, yet still capable of standing upright. They looked like some type of winged lizard men or draconians with long, horselike faces. They sweated and smelled like burned blood. Though of similar breed, they were different in that one was tall and rail-thin, the other short and portly. Their appearance tickled something deep within Toede's memory.
"Witness the agents of your reanimation," repeated Judith. "These are two petty bureaucrats of the Abyss. The Castellan of the Condemned, and the Abbot of Misrule. They are charged in this court with shirking their duties, abusing their positions, idleness, gambling, and unauthorized return of the dead to life. All are serious crimes."
Toede looked at the pair and remembered the two shadowy godlike forms-Mountain-tall and Sea-wide-from his dreams. "They told me to live nobly," he said.
"Live nobly," hissed Judith. "And they gambled on your success. So tell me, my petty fiends, who won your bet?"
Both abishai looked embarrassed. The Castellan ventured meekly, "I think I did."
The enraged hell-maiden regarded him harshly. "And your reasoning is…?"
"Ah, well," said the Castellan, sounding a little like Renders. "He has embarked on a noble mission, as you can clearly see."
The taller abishai chuckled, and Judith turned her attention to him. "And what are your reasons for saying this Toede has not learned nobility?"
The Abbot blanched and stammered. "Why, his very failure, repeatedly and continually, where he backstabs his allies and cheats his supposed friends. He would have turned on the very people that had helped him regain his throne had we given him another day. Indeed, he was at the point of killing his old comrade, here, one of his own species, when we interrupted."
"No, he wasn't," put in the Castellan.
"Was too!"
"Was not!"
"Silence!" bellowed Judith. "And to think that this foolishness would have continued, had not an elder juggernaut returned to our fold with stories of strange and unorthodox happenings in this land."
Jugger, thought Toede. She's talked to Jugger. He wondered what the fiendish siege engine had said about him.
Judith pressed on. "Answer me this question, then. What is nobility?"
Both of the abishai were quiet. Then the Castellan meekly ventured. "That's what we were hoping to find out."
"I see," said Judith, her eyes becoming slits. "So you began your experiment without the slightest idea of how to measure your results?"
"Well, we…" started the Castellan, then stopped when he looked into her angry face. "No, ma'am," he finished.
"Then I declare the bet over, the experiment finished," said Judith. She brandished her ebony blade and strode toward Toede. "Let this spirit return to its rest."
Toede felt his stomach drop out of his body entirely at these words. This time, he thought woozily, death would be for real and final.
"Hold!" shouted a voice from the iron doors.
Judith hesitated.
Rogate strode into the audience hall. He looked even bloodier and more tattered than his banner, which now read: TO NI. Behind him stood a small party of survivors from the battle. Renders was limping and leaning on Charka; Kronin and Taywin were bruised but otherwise unharmed; and even Bunniswot was with them, looking suspiciously untouched by the mayhem that had taken place.
"Dark envoy of the depths!" greeted Rogate. "If there is any question as to nobility, then let us have our say."
Judith regarded Rogate coolly. "Does your testimony have bearing?"
Rogate nodded. "We have fought alongside Lord Toede and can vouch for his noble deeds!"
Judith drew her sword back, and Toede felt his heart resume beating.
"Proceed," she said.
"Well, ah…" said Rogate. He was reduced to stammering, apparently having fired all his brain cells to get this far. Then he seemed to be thunderstruck by an idea. "I am of the Toedaic Knights!" he proclaimed. "And one cannot be knighted unless by a lord, so therefore Toede is noble!"
"Fallacious argument," said Judith. "If Toede is not noble, then you are not a knight. And I see more merit in arguing for his nobility than your knighthood. Appeal denied. Anyone else?"
"Wait!" puffed Rogate, reaching inside his vest. "I have this, as evidence." He pulled Groag's disk from its chain and approached the evil minion. He dropped to one knee, presenting it.
She took the disk from his hand, turning it over in her palm. "He died nobly," she read. "This is a trinket anyone can make." The disk warped and melted in her hands, dripping to the floor in thick globules. "Did you inscribe this?" she asked Rogate.
"No, sir! Uh, ma'am," said Rogate, bowing and moving backward.
"I… uh… did," said Groag meekly, from his position by the throne. "Toede lured Gildentongue off just as he was about to kill me. When it seemed Toede had perished, I had the medal inscribed in his memory."