He shook his head.
“Call me when you calm down. There’s no talking to you when you get cranky like this. I think you need your nap.”
His nap-time jab reminded me of what I’d forgotten to say to him before.
“Congratulations, by the way.”
“Huh?”
“I heard you’re a father now. Boy or a girl?”
“Yeh,” he said and walked all the way to the door before he stopped. He didn’t turn around, he spoke looking up toward the ceiling.
“I’ve got a son.”
“That’s great, Matt. And how’s Jeanne doing?”
“Fine. She’s digging being a mommy. I think it gives her something she was missing for a long time.”
“And you? Gives you something too?”
Matt’s shoulders bunched up, like maybe he was laughing silently, or crying.
Then he said, “Hey, Payton, remember that geek who used to work over at Metro. The one used to fix the copier when it—”
“Chuck R. Dyer,” I said. I’d just been thinking about him that morning and his picture in Time magazine.
“Yeh, him. That’s the one. Chucky. I used to call him Chucky all the time, after that movie. You know, that cocksucker’s a fucking billionaire now?”
“Yeh, I did know.”
“It got to me. Knowing that, you know, that this pisser who used to come in and sanitize the phones at my job—he’s a fucking billionaire. And what do I got?—hemorrhoids!”
I snickered, couldn’t help it.
Matt went on. “You know for a while I used to tell that little anecdote exactly the way I told you just now. Always got a laugh, too. Then one day, I’m having one of my liquid lunches with a client, and I tell it to this guy. And he starts giggling, sort of sputtering. And it hits me like an aluminum bat, he’s laughing at me. This fucker’s laughing at me. I wanted to crush his fuckin’ face in, ya know?”
“Dale Carnegie would be proud.”
“Only it was me. I told the story, I made this guy laugh at me. Made me want to crush my own face in. So I stopped telling that story. Stopped drinking until I passed out every night. Checked myself into this detox clinic a cousin of mine runs upstate. I got off the booze for good.”
I was sorry to hear that, not for his sake, but for nostalgia’s. Some of my fondest memories from working at Metro were of our bull sessions at the local bar after a case had wrapped. I’d enter, weak and weary, and Matt—he still had his mustache back then—would already be at a table with two dark, frothy pints of stout in front of him. I’d walk over, saying, “Good idea.” And he’d grin in wide-eyed innocence, and reply, “Oh? Did you want one, too?”
But those days were gone. Soon I’d be alone with only my own vices for company. Made me wonder—were all the sad, solitary drunks in bars merely social drinkers who’d lost their society?
Matt continued, “Giving up drinking saved my fucking marriage. Jeanne was threatening to leave me—she didn’t want to raise a child in an alcoholic home. That’s what finally did it. Becoming a father changes things. Changes everything.”
“So I hear.”
He waved his hand down through the air, like he was fanning away a fart that blew back on him.
“You don’t get it, Payton. The point of the story is—”
“There’s a point? Cool.”
“Would you listen?”
I said nothing. It reminded me of another of Matt’s old axioms that he’d drilled into me at Metro: Whenever you look, see; when you listen, hear.
Matt said, still not turning to face me, “Life’s not a joke, Payton. But your life can be a joke. Stop joking around. Before it’s too late.” And on that upbeat note, he left me.
I sat and thought, but not about what he’d said. My brain was ticking away on Law Addison. There had to be a nice big reward for information leading to his capture. The kind of money people would do anything for, and—I admit it—I’m people. I thought it would be fun to collect. On top of that, it’d be a Botox shot to my sagging practice if I brought him in.
But Matt was right, I didn’t know enough to figure this out on my own, how it all fit together. I didn’t have the resources at my fingertips. But I knew someone who did, and she was home. I could hear the clomp of her boots above my ceiling.
Chapter Thirteen: BURNING BRIDGES
I went upstairs to Tigger’s door, knocked, and answered her “Who’s there?” with “Me, returning your set of keys.”
The door opened.
She said in a hushed voice, “Quiet, everyone’s sleeping. Nana and papa fell asleep on Rue’s floor by her bed. Retz nodded off on the can, so shhh.”
As soon as I saw her, I got a lump in my throat.
She’d been my neighbor in this top-story loft apartment for over ten years, was here when I moved in. We’d had an instant connection, pals at first sight. Maybe if I’d been younger, I’d’ve tried to make it more. But she was seventeen at the time and I was too old for her. Funny I used to think twenty-eight was too old.
I still didn’t know the whole story of how she’d come to New York City, she’d never put forth the information, but she’d dropped enough hints for me to sketch in the outlines. She’d come to the city at fourteen or fifteen, running away from a home life that made resting her head on the hard edge of a sidewalk a more comfortable cushion. She’d mixed with rough people in those early years and become one herself. She began working raves when she was sixteen; it turned out she had a natural talent as a techie. By the time I moved in she was going on eighteen and already had her union card, working Broadway shows in the city and sometimes on tour.
Deeper than that I’d never dug. I deliberately avoided it. Tigger knew what I did for a living, invading people’s pasts and ferreting out the truth. It was work in the pursuit of which you developed certain “skills” of mistrust, deceit, emotional insulation, and healthy paranoia. But what’s healthy professionally can be poison in a friendship. Stay in the business long enough and these skills harden into personality traits you can no longer turn on and off. After a while, you can’t meet someone new without dissecting them; you start assuming all the faces you meet are masks.
But I had never done that with Tigger. And never wanted to. Somehow it was important having one person in my life I didn’t treat as suspect, not even the least-likely variety.
Of course we’d also both been young back then, and the temptation to probe hadn’t been so great. The past hadn’t been that important to us; too much was going on in the now that needed sorting out. But soon the past was all I would have of her.
She must’ve seen some of the thought on my face, because her bushy brows knitted.
I swallowed the lump and forced a smile. Be happy. I needed her help, not her sympathy. And most of all I needed her computer.
Tigger had a much more sophisticated computer setup than I ever would—a NASA console by comparison. The whole thing was separately powered by a solar panel unit she’d mounted up on the roof. Con Ed never saw a penny. She could set up shop on a desert island, that one.
In the past year, after becoming a new mother, she’d quit working in theater and turned to graphic design, something she could do from home. She’d been successful at it, too. Too successful. It was enabling her to buy a house in the country and leave the city, and everyone still in it, behind.
Part of my discomfort over losing Tigger was selfish: I used her on a regular basis as a sounding board and procurer of information. She was my Huggy Bear. She knew parts of this city I didn’t know existed and the sort of people who inhabited them. I would miss that almost as much as I’d miss her.