“You scared the shit out of me, Ace. I couldn’t figure out why you weren’t punching him! I know Caulder taught you girls that shit!” My anger began to flare again, recalling you struggling against the fucker, and I threw my shirt behind some bushes before I did something stupid, like rip it and really scare the shit out of you. Then you looked at me with those big determined eyes, the same look that I’d briefly seen before you somehow managed to sprint toward me in those damn heels you were wearing, and then turned your back to me like a shield. “And what in the hell were you thinking getting in the middle of things? Are you crazy?”
“Max, you looked like you were going to kill that guy.” Your soft quiet whisper made me hate those guys even more.
“Ace, I grew up with my brothers and me beating the shit out of each other. I knew he wasn’t going to die. If I’m lucky, I broke a couple of ribs and his fucking nose.”
“We need to get out of here. If the cops come, they’ll arrest you.”
My head shook as I glanced back toward the house with a slew of what ifs hitting me like a well planned a missile attack. “That’s the last thing I’m worried about right now.”
“Well it’s pretty much at the top of my list, so let’s go. Kendall’s car is over there.” Your hand wrapped around mine, and I could feel it. Hell, I could see it. The vulnerability in your voice, the way you were watching me and then looking to the house every few minutes. The way your body was leaning into me, you weren’t afraid of me, or what I’d done. You were afraid for me. I knew it then. I knew how much you cared about me even if you weren’t ready to admit it to yourself just yet. The warmth of it stopped my anger like a steel wall. I was going to tell you then. Tell you all about Felicia, and to dump Eric’s ass, but flashing lights impeded the warmth I was feeling and reminded me I should have gotten you the hell away from there.
“I have my Jeep.”
Your hand tightened around mine in confirmation. “Where are you parked?”
Your head turned enough that I caught a glimpse of your face as we slipped through the bushes, and I saw the concern for the others still inside, and I cursed myself for not handling things right and getting us all out of there.
“Here, call Jameson. Tell him to get everyone out, and to take Pedro too.” We haven’t talked about this night much other than you later admitting to me how afraid you’d been, but, babe, you looked so in control as your eyes met mine and you nodded confidently, and slid into my Jeep. It took me by surprise. I stared at you for a second as you unlocked the screen and flipped down to his number, your hands that normally fidget when you’re nervous were steady, and your focus was sharp.
I opened the driver’s side door in time to hear you say, “It’s me.” I started the engine and waited a beat to make sure the others didn’t need a ride.
“We’re heading home now. Is everyone okay? Is Pedro with you?” The urge to brush a few strands of your hair that had fallen free of the elastic made my fingers twitch. “We’ll see you at home. Tell her everything’s fine and to calm down.” You let out a deep breath and my grip on the steering wheel tightened, fearing you were going to lose it.
My eyes moved between you and the road, watching something new pass across your face, something that I instantly wanted to rid. I tried to wait, hoping you would come out and tell me whatever it was you were thinking, but your eyes never moved from the windshield. “Are you okay?”
Seriously, Ace, I wasn’t familiar at all with the emotions you were stirring inside of me and when your head shook to confirm you weren’t, my heart raced so fucking fast I bet if you think back really hard, you might be able to recall my breathing becoming both quicker and louder.
“I froze, Max. I completely froze.” You’ve never been a loud person, not like Mindi and Kendall. Even Savannah and Jenny are louder than you, but hearing your voice in such a quiet whisper made me wonder if you were facing the emotions you didn’t sound ready to share. “This summer has been such a confusing clusterfuck of emotions and events. I just hope that tonight was the pinnacle of this crazy summer, because that has got to be one of the top five worst parties I’ve ever been to. And that’s pretty impressive because last year Kendall entered the top five after she got so wasted she used my purse to empty her stomach.”
I still picture Kendall blowing chunks into your purse when she gets all dressed up and starts parading around. I will probably never be able to fully rid the image or fact that she’s just as human as the rest of us. “But I knew how to fix it; I knew how to make it better. Tonight, I didn’t know what to do when he grabbed me.”
“You felt sympathy.” I don’t know what you ever thought of my explanation, you never did respond. That should have been my first clue that you hate to face shit, or probably my tenth.
“Why did you go to Alaska?” I guess your question surprised me, and I think you knew that because your eyes widened slightly and I could see your thoughts running faster than the miles we were travelling. In all of the times that we’d discussed things, Alaska, was never something we discussed much. Even then, my motivation to go seemed like a distant memory. “You don’t have to tell me, I just always wondered why you left.”
“No, no, it’s just that people only ask me why I came back, like they forgot I had a reason to go.” I doubt you remember this detail of that night. There’s so much that happened, but a song I tied to you since you sat at my kitchen table and told me you’ve never been in love was quietly playing on the radio. Before I could focus to explain my dad to you, I reached forward to turn it up so I wouldn’t be distracted with straining to hear it.
“I went to find my dad. I needed to know why he left.” We’d barely spoken about my dad and his role in my life, or lack thereof and I was still concerned about how you were feeling. The last thing I wanted was for you to feel sorry for me. “My grandma had heard that he and my uncle ended up in Alaska. When I got there I met this guy that told me this long story about my dad and how he used to be a fisherman with his brother for this company that went out for Chinook Salmon and King Crabs. So I went and tried to find the ship that they had worked for. My dad was long gone, but they offered me a job and the chance to go to more ports where he might still be working.” You smiled at me then, it was an encouraging smile, like you wanted to learn more about me. “That’s where I met Jameson. We spent seven months out on the ocean together. Few people remembered my dad. So when we docked I got off and enrolled at the University of Alaska and continued looking for people that might know something. Jameson and I met Landon there. He’d just gotten out of the Army and was going to school. Every once in a while someone would swear they knew who I was talking about and would tell me where to go, but they were all a bunch of loose ends. Who knows, he’s probably dead.” Don’t ask me why I ended with that when I was worried about you feeling sorry for me. Something about you has always made me say way more than I’ve ever intended. I wanted you to know me, Ace, I still do. I want you to know everything about me—even the bad, because when you look at me with that smile, my smile, I feel like even my ugly isn’t so bad.
My fingers constricted around the wheel again with regret as I worked to explain why I assumed he was gone. “He was a heavy alcoholic that liked to gamble and use his fists to make his hard-headed points. He’s been gone a long time.”