“Scrubbing the walls?”
“Why do you care?”
“Why are you upset with me?” For a second I thought you heard the plea in my tone and in my words because your eyes finally flickered my way, but left just as quickly.
“I’m not upset with you.” Your tone was hard, contradicting your words.
“What are you, then?”
“Busy,” we said it in unison, do you remember? Even our tones were similar, each filled with irritation. My head was shaking and nodding at the same time with the level of frustration I felt toward myself and you.
“I can’t fix it if you won’t tell me what it is.”
Your eyes remained down as you shook your head again, and I knew you weren’t going to talk to me, but I tried one last time. “Is this about Felicia? Because I’m pretty sure you’re still dating Eric.” I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth, hating myself for being impatient again.
“No, we’re friends, Max. Friends don’t see each other every single day. There’s nothing weird between us.”
“Alright, I’m not going to push you to talk to me. But when you’re ready …” I hoped you understood what all I was saying as I stalked across your room and pulled the window that looked out across to mine as far open as it would go. “… you have my phone number, you can call me, text me, send me an SOS, throw a damn rock at my window. Hell, I’ll leave it open so when you’re ready you can just yell to me, but don’t push me out, Ace. You don’t want that either.”
I knew there was no chance in hell you would follow after me. But I sure as hell hoped you would.
By Sunday I was tired of waiting. I decided to take a page of my own advice, and take what I want. I resolved that I was taking you to see the Pretty in Pink movie that looked boring as all hell when I finally remembered the name of it, because I really couldn’t have cared less what we were doing. I wasn’t waiting anymore. I was going to lay it out there and be your motivation.
When you finally kissed me, weeks after the movie, the ruse was up. Come hell or high water, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay away from you because in that single moment, my desire to be around you went from difficult to control, to a completely unattainable addiction.
I feel like I’m stuck. I have no idea what to do to get things moving again. I’ve been making more of an effort to see Ace lately, still staying with my mom so I can be close to her. This past month has been difficult, far more than I had feared. It feels like every day I lose another piece of her, of us, and it scares the hell out of me.
A few days ago I had returned home from Ace’s to learn from Muriel that she’d gone to San Diego to get some things without even telling me she was going. My mom was sitting at the dining room table when I returned. She apparently sensed my unease and frustrations and told me, “You can’t fix other people, Max. They have to do it themselves.” This sort of terrifies me. My mother still seems to be fixing herself and it’s been over ten years.
Hearing the doorbell ring, I head upstairs and am slightly relieved to find Ace standing outside my front door. This is the first time she’s come over to see me since our entire space issue evolved before David passing.
“Hey.” My voice reveals my surprise as I push the door fully open.
We stand there in a moment of awkwardness that seems to be our norm lately. I’m not sure if I should lean forward and kiss her or try to hug her; our greetings, like all time we spend together lately, seems strained and foreign.
Ace stands rigid. It’s as though I can hear her body pleading for me to not touch her. She’s abstained from physical contact from nearly everyone, unless it’s forced upon her, and when that happens, she looks like a wild animal, ready to run.
“Hey,” she says slowly.
“Do you want to come in?”
Ace shakes her head. Her blond hair is tied up in a knot, and she’s wearing a sweatshirt even though it’s too hot to be comfortable in a T-shirt today. “No, I just wanted to come by and tell you something. I feel like you deserve to be the first to know my decision.”
My heart thunders in my chest as I try to keep up.
“I’ve decided I’m going to transfer. My dad had a really good friend that owns a medical lab. I can work there as well as maintain classes, and the lab will give me additional credits. It’s a really great opportunity because most have to have their masters to work there, and obviously I don’t have that, but he’s allowing me to come and see how things go on a trial basis.”
“A lab? What kind of medical lab?”
“They do all sorts of things, but it’s geared around trying to understand diseases and cures. They don’t base it on drugs. It’s all about being able to curtail issues or permanently fix them.”
“That’s amazing. Will you be staying at your mom’s, then? Or is it close enough to San Diego that you’ll keep your apartment?”
Her eyes fall to the ground, and my muscles constrict. I’m about to lift her face so I can better understand what’s going on. The need is nearly desperate as I watch her head shake and then find her eyes back on me. They’re filled with an emotion that I can’t translate, and my whole chest begins to burn.
“I broke the lease with my apartment. I’m going to get a new one … in Delaware.”
“Delaware?”
She nods. “Yeah, I’m leaving in the morning.”
“What? No. You’re not doing this.” My head shakes vigorously as if in an effort to dispel the words that are now being screamed in my mind. “You’re not running from me.”
“I’m not running, Max.”
“The hell you aren’t!” I yell. “You can’t run away from all of this. It’s just going to follow you.”
Ace looks up at me and her lips are pursed from anger and determination. “All you’ve wanted is space. This should make you happy.”
Her words hit me as I watch her eyes remain distant and cold while staring at me. I can tell she believes it, that I haven’t wanted her to be present.
“That’s not …” I stammer, trying to explain my feelings before all hell breaks loose. “That’s different.”
She looks at me with raised eyebrows. The piece of Ace that has been missing for weeks now, is still vacant from her eyes. “It’s something I need to do.”
“Now isn’t the time to run.”
“I’m not running, Max!”
“You are! Just like he did.”
“I’m not your dad, Max. I know there’s been a lot going on these couple of months, but I think this is for the best.”
“The best for who? What about us?”
“We can’t go back to dating because of what’s happened. I’m not a pity case.”
“I don’t want to date you just because of your dad!”
“Just!”
“Just what?”
“You said just because, meaning it’s a factor.”
“Ace—”
“No! You wouldn’t talk to … you wouldn’t even look at me, Max. Now you want to get back together?”
“We never broke up!”
“You returned my things! You avoided me! You kicked me out of your house!”
“You took off in the middle of the night without saying anything and then told me you needed your space!”
“Screw you, Max!” Her brown eyes finally show the first sign of emotion. Unfortunately, it’s anger and completely devoid of any trace of what I want to find there.
She turns as I object and quickly makes her way back across to her driveway and climbs in her car, avoiding my words and the ugly confrontation. This is so like her; as soon as something spooks her she flees.