I follow her. Of course I follow her. She’s telling me that she’s leaving. Leaving school. Leaving California. Leaving me. I stand outside of Savannah’s, yelling and begging, threatening to stay all night, all week. Eventually, Jenny surprises me by coming outside. I didn’t even know she was here. She looks angrier than I thought possible as she storms over to me. I see a familiar look in her eyes, the desire to hit me. It isn’t exactly a foreign response, but it certainly is from Jenny. She’s angry … with me, demanding that I leave.
We stand in the front yard, verbally sparring with one another, until Caulder pulls up in his police cruiser, looking both confused and relieved as he asks what’s going on.
“He did this!” she screams.
“Did what?” Caulder and I ask in unison. My brows knit with a mixture of irritation and confusion.
“She said she’s leaving. That she needs to get some space and sort through things.” Hearing Jenny say that she’s leaving hurts even more than it had coming from Ace. I don’t know if it’s because my brain had refused to fully comprehend the ramifications of this outcome or if it’s because knowing that she’s told her sisters makes it official.
I know by Jenny’s reaction and the look of shock on Caulder’s face that Ace was serious when she said I was the first to know. She’s waited until the very last moment to tell us all.
When Caulder’s fist slams into my left cheek, I know he’s hurt and that he blames me too. A punch like this happens from reaction, rather than thought.
Kyle comes to my door the next day. I watched Ace drive away less than an hour ago. I don’t know what to expect as I open the door. His face is haunted and yet blank. I look at him expectantly. I’ve always liked Kyle, but with losing her, I don’t intend to maintain ties with the rest of the family. When his eyes finally focus on mine, I see anger fill them, and I know he’s going to hit me. I don’t move or make any attempt to stop him. It’s not like he can hurt me, not after what I’ve experienced in the last twenty-four hours.
The week after Ace leaves is the most agonizingly slow week I’ve ever experienced. Heartache and misery have the uncanny ability to make the minutes in an hour stretch and duplicate. There have been over a thousand times in the past year that I’ve wished for time to slow down like it is now.
Moments that I had Ace naked and begging me to not stop touching her. Moments where we were laughing so hard it would take a few moments to be able to breathe before we could speak. Moments where we’d be lying in bed and I could appreciatively stare at her and thank God it was my arms she wanted to lie in. But those moments had all sped by like the speed of sound. It’s pain that slows down time, that makes seconds feel like hours, as you debate the reason to continue breathing.
Kendall’s the first Bosse to come and see me. I don’t know if Jameson asked her to or if she just feels that it’s her responsibility since after Ace and David, she’s the Bosse that knows me best.
She stands in the doorway of my bedroom, staring at everything but me.
“She’s coming back,” she says quietly.
My head snaps up to look at her as my body lunges to a sitting position from my bed where I immediately see Ace’s bedroom shade, still pulled shut.
“What? When?” I demand, feeling relief wash through me.
“I don’t know. A couple of weeks maybe?”
“Dammit, Kendall! Get the fuck out of here!”
“She won’t stay away. She can’t. Ace was accepted to her dream college on the East Coast and didn’t accept because she didn’t want to be that far away. She’s like our dad. She needs to have family with her. This won’t last.”
“Get out, Kendall!” I yell, silently praying she’s right.
“You know I’m right.”
“Get out!” I yell again, standing and pointing a finger to the door that she’s slinking toward.
“She’s not just pushing you away!” Kendall yells back at me, and I catch the anger and hurt flash on her face.
Ace always loved having her family close, but it hadn’t taken long for me to realize that although she loved them, they needed her. They depended on her for her playful attitude and calmness. She was what diffused arguments and confrontations, brought laughter, and more importantly, she was their glue. I don’t know if she just stopped caring or just doesn’t realize the dependency we all have. She left us all, cutting us off from our addiction without warning, causing us all to experience agonizing withdrawals.
I hurt too much to comfort Kendall, and I’m still too angry. Kendall should have stopped her. She and her sisters had influenced her to do things in the past, like get the tattoo that she always thought was so cliché. They should have stopped her.
I should have stopped her.
“Get the fuck out, Kendall!” I scream as I grab a glass filled with water that someone had brought me at some point and send it flying across the room. It crashes against the wall, near Kendall’s head, making glass and water rain down beside her. She cowers slightly and then sneers at me before turning to leave.
A small part of me instantly regrets my reaction. I know I’m being a royal asshole and that Jameson will be pissed at me. He should be pissed at me. If he had done that to Ace I would have gone ballistic, or as Ace would call it … I cease my thoughts instantly. Having another damn thought trace back to her has my anger overshadowing all of the guilt I felt seconds ago.
I stand up and grab a framed picture of Ace and me from her birthday last year, and hurl it at the wall with such force that it dents the drywall as glass shatters to the floor.
Four days later, Jenny comes. In some ways seeing her fuels my anger even more, partly because Jenny and Ace have the most physical similarities. It’s sort of like seeing the ghost of the girl I love haunting me at an even more aggressive level.
She quietly walks to my bed and perches on the edge of it. We haven’t spoken since Savannah’s, when I’d demanded to see Ace and she’d blamed me. I still haven’t forgiven her, and it’s obvious she knows by the way her eyebrows are drawn and her mouth is turned down with pity and guilt.
“She loves you, Max. She loves you so much. She’s just scared, and hurt, and lost. With losing dad, and mom being so distant … if you guys hadn’t been going through your breakup—”
“It has nothing to do with that. We weren’t breaking up! We would’ve been fine!” I growl, I don’t have the energy to yell.
Jenny looks at me for a moment, her blue eyes slowly studying me, and I have to close my eyes because the gesture is so similar to Ace, that I can’t watch.
“I think she’s questioning everything, Max. It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. It was just bad timing,” she says quietly. “She just needs some time, and then I’m sure she’ll—”
“What, Jenny?” I yell, feeling a new wave of anger uncurling in my gut. “You’re sure she’ll what? She doesn’t want any of us.”
The sympathetic look she gives me betrays the secret I see she’s working to keep.
“She’s called? She fucking called you?” Of course she did. She was their drug of choice too. That’s why they’re still able to function and aren’t holed up or on their way across the damn country. She isn’t running from them, she’s running from me.
“Did she read the letter from your dad?” My mind’s reeling. It feels like I’m free falling down a steep cliff and my mind’s desperately searching for the tiniest ledge to grasp onto.
“I don’t know. I think so,” Jenny answers with a shrug. “We were all reading them.”
That last sentence sends me plummeting to the bottom. I burry my face in my comforter and drown out everything else she tries to say.