I waited to see something else besides anger to help me calm down so my hurt didn’t lead the conversation.
You wanted me to say something, I just didn’t realize how much until you lifted your bag and yelled, “Move!”
“What is running away going to accomplish?”
“What is being here going to accomplish? All I want to do right now is get away from you! I’m disgusted with you!”
Your words hurt. I’m sure you had been disgusted with me before this moment, like when the whole Felicia kiss in the garage happened, but at that time your happiness wasn’t my responsibility, even though I had wanted it to be. But last November, it was, and I felt like a complete failure and unfortunately masked my pain with anger once again. “You’re disgusted with me for having casual sex?”
“I’m disgusted with you for pretending to care!”
“That’s bullshit and you know it!” I yelled.
“I thought I knew that, but right now …” your head hung as it shook, “… I don’t know what I know, other than I need to get out of here.”
Without giving me a chance to say anything, you pushed past me and disappeared down the steps.
I grabbed my keys and watched your car turn north rather than south in the direction of your apartment. I hopped in my Jeep and followed, allowing a short gap between us. You never looked up at your rearview mirror to see if I was following, not even once. I stayed close to you so no one could merge between us, traffic was busy and I didn’t want to lose you. After following you for ten minutes, I realized you didn’t know I was behind you. You weren’t looking up to see if I was there because you didn’t expect me to be. It made me wonder how long you had been running from people? And how had they never followed you?
You turned into a small, familiar parking lot that was desolate like always while I stayed several feet back, working to wrap my head around a new list of thoughts that were popping up. For so long, I thought you were looking for your perfect Ken doll as you bounced from one guy to the next in high school, standing beside them with a smile that I only realized a few months prior wasn’t anything close to genuine. It was nothing like the smile I got to see, the smile that I put there. Had you just been waiting for someone to finally catch you?
I looped around and parked beside you, extracting a flashlight from my glove compartment. When I made it down to the sand I saw you in the distance. You had already made it a decent way down the beach, your face turned toward the ocean.
“How could no one follow you?” I whispered to myself and set off after you.
I considered calling out to you several times as I tailed you, fearing what thoughts were going through your mind. We never discussed what you were thinking as you walked, but I’m sure it was of my negative traits. I wanted to be fair to you and allow those thoughts to process, you deserved to weigh my bad with my good.
You finally stopped, and stared out at the ocean with your back to the world for a few long moments before I interrupted you.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you again.”
You girls obviously didn’t get the same satisfaction from scaring the shit out of one another, because all of you Bosse girls were ridiculously easy to startle. Your head whipped around and your body jerked at the sound of my voice.
I tried to hide my smile, but I know you saw it. “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to startle you.” Thankfully, you didn’t move when I took a step closer to you.
“Why are you here, Max?” Only your head moved but as you looked back to the ocean, I could see the faint traces of emotions that were still absent from your voice.
Why was I there? Where else would I have been, babe? I shoved that admission aside and tried to explain where my mood swings derived from.
“All weekend I kept hearing how great we are together. How it will be our wedding that everyone’s gathered at next.” I still didn’t know if you were relieved or annoyed that I was there, so I forced myself to allow a small gap between us.
“I’m not giving you any ultimatums or pressuring you into anything!” You turned to look at me thankfully, because your voice was defensive, but your eyes revealed other emotions. Emotions I understood and was familiar with.
You handled this well so I think you understood what I was thinking even though my words felt so far out of reach. “I know,” I began, turning my gaze to the surf and then to you, contemplating if I should just say those three words that are so much bigger than anyone gives them credit for. You have no idea how afraid I was of you, and what your thoughts were of me at that time. I took a deep breath, and shook my head once. “I’d almost prefer you did! I never know what in the hell is going through that damn head of yours! I don’t know what you’re thinking or how you feel! You’ve dated so many guys, and yet you were a virgin! And you weren’t reluctant to sleep with me at all, even when you thought …”
Your chin tilted and your eyebrows scrunched in confusion. I was sure you heard my words and how much they contradicted so many things because I’d learned how to read you fairly well, so well that you’d made multiple comments about the fact. There were times when I felt like I knew you so completely, so entirely that I could watch your face and know exactly what you were thinking. Yet, when it came to me, I felt lost. I stared back at you, silently demanding to know your feelings for me, willing you to tell me that I was enough.
“You think I’m using you for casual sex?” Your words were quiet, and your gaze unfocussed, revealing you were thinking aloud rather than forming your words carefully like normal.
“Max, I’ve had a crush on you since the day you moved in next door.” My heart felt like those damn jumping beans you get as a kid. You rolled your eyes in an exaggerated fashion, one that still I receive often from your sister, and it made me feel almost nauseous. Then your eyes became distant again and I watched thoughts race through your mind. Slowly, your eyes focused on me, and there was a familiar warmth, hiding behind a thin curtain of frustration. “Max, I love you.”
The words reverberated through my head like an echo as I pulled you close and kissed you. A relief washed over me that was so strong, I felt nearly weak. It didn’t take but a second before I felt you relax under me, your lips matching my same need. Your hands snaked around my waist, securing yourself to me though I had you pressed so tight against me, there was no need to do so.
“I love you,” I whispered, kissing you softly once more before pulling back so I could see your face. I ran my thumb along your jaw line, watching your lips. A loose strand of your hair blew across your face, and I gently tucked it behind your ear, studying your entire face so I could watch my words. “I love you so much.” Your eyes filled with an adoration that I not only saw, I felt it.
People say you fall in love. That the fall can be fast or slow, sometimes easy and other times painful; but I never fell. I never even had the choice. I didn’t even get to think about it, or decide, I just was. I was in love with you.
“Dude, why don’t we rent a storage locker, or drive some of this to your mom’s house and store it,” Landon suggests as I haul another full garbage bag down the stairs.
I turn to show him my thoughts with a frown. Every time I get rid of something, he seems to have a suggestion for me.
“Never mind,” he says, shaking his head as he walks away.
I can feel that things have somehow changed between us, and it’s led to me avoiding him. Hell, I’ve been avoiding everyone.
I had signed a new lease last spring after getting accepted to medical school nearby so I could stay close to Ace, now I vehemently regret that I had. I hate this house. I hate the memories that resonate in nearly every room. I hate the fact that Kendall’s now living with us even more.