Wes and I go to the Halloween party sans Erin. I can’t spend this day with her because although Ace is on the opposite side of the goddamn continent, I’ve been thinking about her for weeks and what she might be doing tonight for her birthday. Plus, I’m not ready to have my relationship with Erin be anything but purely sexual at this point, and she doesn’t seem to object. I refuse to label it as a convenient relationship because the term leaves an acidic taste in my mouth reminding me of her again.
The party is filled with girls in scandalous costumes and others that are elaborate. I have no clue who several of characters are, nor do I give a shit to know. We file our way past them in search of the bar, stopping a few times as people greet us.
Wes is wearing the same costume we’d all worn last year: tight jeans, a leather vest without a shirt underneath, a cowboy hat, and a rope slung over his shoulder with a pair of boots.
“Wes, you can’t recycle costumes two years in a row. You have to skip at least one year in between,” Abby says in greeting as she reaches over to wrap her arms around him.
Wes grins and lifts the rope. “I upgraded. I got a rope and some boots, so now I’m Indiana Jones.”
Jesse laughs as Abby rolls her eyes. “I don’t think Indiana Jones wore Wranglers, cowboy,” she says, failing to break his laughter. “What are you supposed to be?” Abby asks, eyeing my jeans and T-shirt.
“Awesome.” My mind races to thoughts of her, hearing her laughter as the word leaves my mouth. I feel the heat of her body next to mine as an image of us hanging out in her father’s den, watching TV last summer, before she fell asleep in my lap for the first time.
“You’re so lame.” Abby interrupts my recollection, and I shake my head and scan the room to find something to distract my mind.
The four of us catch up for a while and then part when Abby and Jesse head out to the dance floor with their hands tightly clasped around one another. Wes and I head in search of the bar.
I don’t know what time it is when I wake up, freezing my ass off because my bedroom window is open and I’m lying on top of my covers, still wearing my shoes. My head throbs and my stomach rolls as I work to sit up enough to kick off my tennis shoes and clumsily maneuver myself to get under the covers. The warmth of my bed feels good, but the leather of my belt bites my hip bone and I groan in protest. Reaching down with one hand, I fumble with it until I get it unbuckled and feel the pressure ease. I don’t bother fishing it out of my belt loops, right now I couldn’t give a shit.
The sun is too bright, making my head ache as though my brain’s physically chipping away at my skull. With a quiet groan I sit up and keep my eyes on the ground, waiting for my head to stop throbbing so I can shut out the light. My steps seem too loud, and my window too strong before I fall back in bed with another groan.
There’s a crunching of paper below me that barely registers. It hangs in my thoughts for a few too many seconds, adding a new pressure to my head. I roll to my back with a grunt and fish around blindly for the source. My hand fists around a piece of paper, crackling too loudly as I move it to where I can see it.
My eyes blink several times and then squint to see Landon’s handwriting:
I’m done watching you try and kill yourself. Call J next time.
I crumple the note in my fist and throw it against the wall, not bothering to watch where it lands as I roll over, wondering how often Erin frequents the gym before I search for more sleep.
Sometimes I wish I could have talked you into going to the gym. You refused. That was okay, it gave me time to spend with Wes, Landon, and Jameson. Still, I remember watching you on a few separate occasions while you were playing soccer and seeing the intense focus as you worked and how hot it was. But, you refused to go. Referring to it as … I have to get this one right … the epicenter of bacterial growth. You said you liked the people that went even less because you felt they used it as a place to find dates. I’d laughed when I first heard your theory, and then began realizing you were pretty spot on.
Landon, Jameson and I were returning from the gym. Jameson was doing a nearly perfect impersonation of Wes trying to hit on a girl that had us all cracking up.
Kendall was watching TV in the living room alone, causing me to question where you were. When Kendall wasn’t doing something with Jameson, she was nearly always with you. Even when you were studying, or reading, she’d sit beside you, watching crap that no one cared about.
“Where’s Ace?” I asked her as she turned to look at us.
“I think she’s reading. She’s been quiet all afternoon.” She looked slightly defeated, revealing she’d tried to coax you out. I remember thinking you had a test for anatomy that was coming up that had you a little nervous. I don’t know why, you knew that shit backwards and forwards.
I climbed the stairs and found you curled on my bed with a book propped up on you knees, a wad of tissues tightly bunched in your fist that you wiped your cheek with.
You spent a fair amount of your time buried behind the pages of different novels. Sometimes reading non-fiction that led you to share about projections and people we’d usually never heard of, and questions you wished to ask. Primarily, you stuck to fiction, explaining that you enjoyed the breaks into other realities. I loved when you got so wrapped up in a book that your awareness of the surrounding world seemed to be completely lost. It was one of my favorite times to sit back and just appreciate your beauty, something that if I tried to do while you weren’t fully distracted, made you blush and squirm.
“Babe, what’s wrong?” I asked, dropping my gym bag and crossing the room in a few steps.
You gave me a weak smile in greeting as you shook your head and placed your phone in the book as an unorthodox book mark, something that constantly led to it being misplaced. “It’s nothing. This book is just really emotional,” you explained, fanning your face. “I’m fine.”
You’ve never been very emotional. At that point we’d been together for seven months and I had only seen you cry maybe a handful of times. This was the second due to a book. Even after those first initial days following your dad passing, I never saw you cry.
“Want to take a breather? Go get something to eat?”
You nodded, wiping your cheek again with your tissue as another tear escaped.
“Let me just take a shower, okay?” I asked, gently running my thumb across your cheekbone.
“Can I come with you?” Your eyes were wide, and brimmed with tears.
I felt like silly putty. You could have asked for the moon and I would have worked to find a way. I’d have done anything for you. Anything, but let you go. Why did you need space, Ace? What in the hell got you so damn freaked out?
“I need you right now. I need to be close to you.” Your voice came out sounding strained as another stray tear coursed down your cheek.
I leaned over and softly kissed you to see if I was misinterpreting your intentions. Your arms wrapped around my neck, and you pulled yourself into my lap. Normally, you refused to touch me until after I showered, naming off a list of bacterial germs prevalent in gyms.
Standing up, I carried you into the bathroom where I set you on the counter. Your face was stoic as I turned the water on to get hot and started to undress, kicking off my shoes and peeling off my socks and shorts. I stood in front of you, waiting for some sort of sign to confirm you wanted to continue. Your eyes welled with tears again, and it shocked me how I felt physical pain at the sight.
“Max, I love you. I don’t think I could ever love someone as fully and completely as I love you. I’m in love with you, and I’m in love with being in love with you, and I just need you to know how much I love you.” I’m completely serious, you said ‘I love you’ that many times in those short sentences.