I scoff and repeat the word reject as I pull away from her touch once again and rub my hand over my face.
“She never rejected you, Max. I know it feels like she did, but I think we both know if your heart really thought she’d rejected you, you wouldn’t have such a hard time getting her out of your mind, or your heart. It took me two months of crying and living in a dark place to realize that I was better off without your father. I know it seemed longer to you, but the months following that, I was mad at myself for allowing things to have gone on as long as they had. It’s been eight months since she left, and you’re still working to convince yourself.”
Before I can object she continues. “My biggest fear and regret was not getting out of the marriage sooner. I never wanted you boys to think that what your father and I had was a healthy relationship. That’s why I was so afraid of Molly when Billy introduced me to her. They’re both hot and cold people, and when that happens the hots are really great and high, and the colds are like arctic winds. You have to be able to have some middle ground, otherwise you’ll be burnt and have frostbite, and never be able to find comfort.” Her eyes remain on me though she doesn’t make another attempt to reach out and touch me. I think she knows I can’t handle affection right now while hearing her words and processing the stirring thoughts of her.
“I hope they find it, I do. And who knows, maybe they will. Neither of them seems willing to give up, and that’s a good sign. It’s your life, Max, and I will support you and whatever decision you make. I love you, and I believe in you. However, I hope that the fear of becoming weak or losing someone is not what fuels your decision, because if you go back to only dating people you know you can’t ever love, I’m going to make Billy teach me how to punch, and then I’ll try resorting to a form of communication you’ve always seemed to understand a little more clearly.”
She punches her fist into her hand with her thumb tucked, ensuring me she has no idea what she’s doing. I can’t help but laugh as I shake my head and reach for another brownie.
“What’s this?” I know by where Erin’s stroking my finger that she’s finally asking about my tattoo. I’m guessing she’s seen it before. Although it’s fairly small, we’ve spent enough time together I don’t know how she could’ve missed it.
“It’s nothing,” I reply, rolling over and getting out of bed.
“It’s just a question, Max.”
“And I gave you an answer.” I pull on a pair of gym shorts littering my floor and head toward the door. “I need something to drink. You want anything?”
She shakes her head, looking slightly defeated. Then a sly smile creeps across her lips. “I can think of a few things I need when you get back, though.” Her eyes fall to my shorts, and I swallow back the smart-assed remarks that flood my mind. I turn, and close the door behind me without another word. Kendall and Jameson are sitting at the island in the kitchen, quietly talking. Their conversation ceases as I enter, giving me a pretty good clue that they’re either discussing me or her.
“Hey, are you hungry? We went to Antonio’s.” Kendall gestures to a box at the end of the counter.
The word no forms on my tongue as I nod my head. I can’t go back upstairs right now. I think if I have to see her, touch her, or hear her, I’ll lose what’s left of my mind.
“What’d you guys do tonight?”
“I just got off work like an hour ago,” Jameson replies.
I glance at the microwave to see it’s after ten and then back to him.
He stretches his upper body across the counter. “This being an adult thing sucks ass.”
“No kidding, maybe I should go back to school and get a new major. I’m done with working,” Kendall adds. “Granted, I really don’t miss tests, or droning professors, or my thesis.”
“Yeah but at least you didn’t have to work weekends,” Jameson rebuts.
“No, but there were a lot of weekends we spent studying.” Kendall sounds nostalgic as her blue eyes look across the room at nothing.
“I still find the occasional Anatomy flashcard in the most random places,” I admit.
Kendall looks taken aback at me mentioning something that has to do with her, but Jameson starts laughing.
“I found one under the bag of flour in the pantry last week.”
“What were you making that you used flour?” Kendall’s eyes narrow with disbelief.
“Nothing. I’d spilled cereal all over the damn place. That shit should be called messy charms.” She dips her head back and laughs, as do I, at Jameson’s expression.
“What card was it?” Kendall asks as her laughs die down.
“Something I couldn’t pronounce.”
“Not the Maximus?” She begins laughing at her own joke as Jameson grins. I feel the stretch across my own face and don’t try to stop it or conceal it.
I open the pizza box and survey the contents. Ace always ordered the same thing: barbecue sauce with chicken, pineapple, and jalapenos. This pizza is covered in cheese, meats, and vegetables, but something about the spice or perhaps the fact that we just mentioned her, brings more memories to the forefront of my mind, and I’m so exhausted with fighting them back, I don’t even attempt to as I sit back and feel her run through me like an old familiar tune. I can hear her, see her, and feel her.
For spring break my brothers plan a trip to visit me. I don’t know if this is another thing our mom’s orchestrated, or possibly Hank since Billy’s still refusing to see our dad. Though Hank has now met with him on three separate occasions.
“Hey what happened to Westminster Dumbass? Mom said he was like living here,” Hank says, looking around the empty living room. Neither of them have been here before, which seems strange to me. Then again, it’s really only been a couple of years now that we’ve begun transitioning from beating the shit out of each other to whatever it is that we’ve become.
I don’t know how my mom would’ve known about Wes, but it’s true. This fall and for most of the winter he had practically turned our living room into a hotel room. I should have asked if everything was okay, if his roommate Xavier was causing problems. Xavier had played baseball with Wes for years, but the dude could be a world-class asshole and is the messiest person I know. I didn’t though. I’ve been too consumed with all of my own issues this year. I still haven’t seen him since he threw the porn movies at me and told me he’d at one time felt something for Ace and then left.
My fingers run over my hair as I look to Billy, who has always loved dishing shit out about Wes, even when Wes isn’t around to hear it. Billy’s eyes skirt around the living room, oblivious to our current conversation. I look to Hank who gives me a tight smile and then clears his throat. “Is Dad around?”
“No, he’s gone for the week,” I assure them. This had been a prerequisite from Billy in order to come. Though I’m curious to know his feelings on it, I don’t ask. I could probably ask Hank and he’d tell me, but aside from our brief conversation at Thanksgiving, Billy and I still have need-to-know, sports, and did-Mom-tell-you kind of conversations. This seems like skipping too far, too fast.
Billy’s body visibly relaxes and then constricts again when the door opens. He turns to watch as Landon walks in with Zeus.
“Hey, how was your guys’ trip over?” Landon asks, releasing Zeus from his leash. He walks over to where we’re still standing in front of the furniture, none of us relaxed enough to sit yet.