Oh my God. What was going to happen to me?
Would they kick me out of the department? Out of the school? At the very least, I’d probably lose my scholarship. How would I pay tuition then?
There was a roaring in my ears, and the pull of gravity felt so heavy that I felt like I would sink right through the floor. Garrick would probably lose his job. What would he do then? He’d go back to Philadelphia or London or somewhere and I’d never see him again.
I turned to him, trying to convey my remorse with a look, but he was… smiling?
“Bliss,” Eric said, “I have to admit I’m surprised.”
Air left my lungs in a rush. “S-sir, I’m so—“
“You’ve certainly done well in your time here over the past few years, but I had no idea you were capable of the kind of performance you gave in auditions.”
I was still clenching my teeth and holding my breath against the coming shame, so it took me a moment to realize it wasn’t coming after all.
“You’ve always been a bit too in your head, I suppose. Controlled. Careful. Mechanical, might be the best word for it. But in those auditions—you were living in the moment. You were feeling instead of thinking. I saw shades of emotion in you—strength and vulnerability, desire and disgust, hope and shame—that were quite simply captivating. I don’t know what you’re doing or what you’ve done, but please do continue. You’re much better when you make bold choices.”
Unbidden, my eyes locked with Garrick’s. Did he know? Had he guessed that it was him? That this thing between us had me feeling things I’d never felt and taking risks I would have balked at not long ago. My night with him was possibly the only impulsive thing I’d ever done.
“Thank you, sir.”
“You’re quite, welcome. I’m very much looking forward to working with you. Speaking of which, I’d like you to come to callbacks on Wednesday. We’d like you to read some scenes with Hippolytus, so that we can get a good idea of chemistry and look on stage.”
“Of course, I’ll be there.”
“Great, Garrick will be there to answer any questions for you, as well. He’s going to be assistant directing this production, so if you need anything you can come to either of us.”
He patted me lightly on the shoulder, and took off. Then I was alone with Garrick. My heart was still thudding impatiently, either because of the fear that we’d been caught or just because I was sitting beside the one guy I wanted but couldn’t have.
“I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but I’m really proud of you,” Garrick said.
“Thank you. I think I’m still in shock.” I was still in shock from all of this.
“Well, get used to it. From what I’ve seen, I don’t think you’d have to worry about Stage Managing unless you just wanted to. You’re an actor, Bliss, whether you believe it or not. ”
I nodded, filing that thought away.
“Have you thought more about that? What you’d like to do after graduation?”
I picked at the frayed threads on the knee of my jeans.
“Not really…”
“Well, if you want to talk about it, you know you can always come to me.”
I raised an eyebrow at him, unable to quite put into words how preposterous that idea was.
He said, “I’m serious. You act like we couldn’t possibly be friends.”
If possible, my eyebrow arched even more. The thought of being friends with him… it was beyond imagining. I didn’t think about how my friends looked naked. I didn’t beat myself up over not sleeping with friends.
He laughed under his breath and shook his head. “Okay, okay. So maybe friends is jumping the gun, but I do hope you’ll come to me if you need anything… anything at all.”
The undercurrent of yearning I felt for him then was different than any of the other pulls toward him I’d felt before. The desire to be with him was still there, but now I wanted more than that. I wanted to curl up in his arms just to rest my head, just to feel his comfort.
Heaven help me, but I wanted my professor to be my boyfriend.
Chapter Fifteen
Eric was shuffling through papers, searching for something when I entered the auditorium on Wednesday. “Oh, Bliss, you’re early as always. That’s great. I seem to be missing my notes, so I’m going to run back upstairs to my office. Take a seat with Garrick and just relax for a moment.”
Despite the fact that I already had a part, I was a nervous wreck for these callbacks. What if everyone expected me to be perfect? What if my audition was totally a fluke? I watched Eric leave through the backstage door and wondered… What if he changed his mind?
I took a seat on the row below Garrick, wishing I’d gone and killed some time in the greenroom with the actors waiting and prepping for their second round of auditions. When he leaned down toward me, I said, “Hey… friend.”
I’d given up trying not to be awkward, and was just embracing it instead.
He laughed, which I guess was good. It certainly could have been worse. He said, “Not quite believable, but A for effort.”
“Someone’s an easy grader.”
“Someone just has a soft spot where you are concerned.” He was leaning down towards me and even though his face was a good foot away from me, I swear I felt those words like he’d whispered them into my ear. “Sorry,” he replied almost immediately. “Sometimes I just forget.”
I said, “Me too.” But that was a lie. I never really forgot. I wanted to. I wished that I could forget about the miles separating us, and just let myself be there, only a foot away, but I couldn’t. He cleared his throat, and this time I wasn’t imagining his closeness, he was inches from my ear.
“I have to ask you something.”
“Okay,” came my breathy reply.
“Cade.”
I turned, confused, and immediately leaned back because I’d brought our faces too close together.
“That’s not a question.”
“You’re still with him?”
“With him?”
“I just—I can’t tell. You still sit together in class, but it’s different now. So, I thought maybe you two had broken it off.”
He thought Cade and I were dating? How freaking oblivious was I? The whole world apparently noticed my best friend’s feelings for me. So much for being like Nancy Drew, I was clearly the Shaggy and Scooby Doo of this scenario.
“There was nothing to break off,” I told him.
“What?”
“Yes! Cade and I aren’t together. We never have been.” His eyes were wide, and his head tilted in that way that said he didn’t believe me. “Is that what you’ve thought this whole time? That I cheated on him with you?”
Oh, my God. The guy I may or may not have been falling for thought I was a slut. Could things be any more screwed up?
His head was shaking back and forth, but I wasn’t sure if that was a no or just him trying to puzzle this out. “I don’t know what I thought. You’re always together, and he touches you, he’s always touching you. Believe me, I’ve noticed. I’d just assumed that was why… well, why you ran out that night.”
“I didn’t run out because of Cade. I had to get my cat…”
“Bliss, I’m not an idiot.”
God, this was it. Somehow, I thought I’d gotten away with that horrible excuse. I mean, obviously, it hadn’t completely put him off like I’d originally thought. But he’d always known it was excuse, he just had the reason wrong. And I couldn’t let him know the real reason, not now, not here in this theatre where we were supposed to be professional (though I’m fairly certain professional had already been kicked to the curb).