Jessica's arrival was heralded by a slight breath of the perfume she wore. I kept my eyes on the shark tank but I became aware of her sitting next to me.
“Hi, Jessica," I said quietly, not looking at her.
"Hi, Maudie."
We were quiet for a little while longer. I could feel the warmth of her arm through my sleeve and felt obscurely comforted.
"Horrible, aren't they?" she said, after a while.
I turned to look at her. "The sharks?"
"No, the screaming kids. Nightmare."
I laughed. "They are a little noisy, yes."
"At least it means we can talk freely," she said, somewhat mysteriously. She shrugged off her long black coat and folded it over her arm. "Thanks for meeting me. I didn’t know whether I should phone – anyway, how have you been?"
For a moment, I considered telling the truth. That I’d found out my own mother had been as mad as I’d once been and had committed suicide whilst trying to murder me. That my family had conspired to keep this a secret. That I’d been drinking more and more heavily, more and more secretly, since I’d discovered this. I considered telling her this for a millisecond and of course, rejected the idea.
“Oh I’m fine,” I said. “Not bad. How have you been?"
She didn't answer at first. She looked upset. I was about to say something and then she caught my eye. Her face smoothed out and she looked normal again.
"I've been okay," she said. "Things have been a bit - a bit of a struggle. A bit. I’ve been wondering – wondering what to do. I'm okay now though."
She didn't elaborate and I didn't want to press her. For a moment, I wished passionately that we could jump forward in time, to a friendship renewed three years down the track, where we'd got past the awkwardness and the back stories and were simply able to be ourselves again, as we had once been before.
"Let's wander," I said, wanting to break the silence.
We left the shark tank and walked on. Jessica stopped at a tank filled with jellyfish, floating like gently undulating, translucent balloons in the water. We were briefly alone, and she moved forward to look more closely. The blue light from the tank fell onto her face and as I watched her, I had a sudden sense of horror; it was visceral, like a whole-body shudder. She looked drowned, her skin bleached out, her eyes unseen in black hollows.
I must have made a sound. She turned towards me and the illusion was gone. I stood there with my hand up to my mouth, swallowing.
"What’s up?" she said.
I managed to put my hand down, shrug and smile. I could not shake the image of her drowned face. Perhaps the Aquarium had been a mistake. I'd managed to forget about Matt's words to me outside the pub. Now all my fears were crowding back, flooding back.
"Sorry," I said to Jessica. "I've just got to nip to the Ladies. Will you wait here for me?"
I prayed she wouldn't need to come with me.
"I'll wait here," she said.
I scurried away. I kept seeing her blue, drowned face in my mind. It had been a momentary illusion, caused by the weird water-light.
A few moments in a locked cubicle were enough to calm me. I took a few deep breaths before I pushed my way back out through the line of women and young children.
"Come on," I said to Jessica, who was where I'd left her. "Let's get out of here."
We began walking along the South Bank, downriver. The Thames was high, its thick, brown waters roiling and churning in the wake of the many boats that sped or chugged along it. A bitter wind was blowing and we both hunched into our coats. We wandered into the West End. We walked aimlessly for a while and found ourselves drifting onto New Bond Street.
"Oh, my favourite boutique's up here," I said. "Do you mind if we have a quick look?"
Jessica shook her head. She was looking at the windows of the shops with an odd look on her face, a look that was blank and hungry at the same time. Daylight was fading now and the lights in the windows looked extra welcoming, a soft cosy glow illuminating the wares within. We reached the door of my favourite shop and I pressed the buzzer.
"It's Maudie Reynolds," I said to the assistant. "I'd like to have a look at your new range, if that's okay?"
Inside, the chilly saleswoman thawed and greeted me by name, something that made Jessica's eyes go wide, to my secret inner amusement. I'd shopped here so often I'd opened my own account.
"It's just so much easier," I explained, wondering if I was trying a little too hard to justify myself.
“What was that, madam?” said the saleswoman.
“Oh, nothing,” I said. I waited until she’d moved away and then rolled my eyes at Jessica, to make her giggle.
There were at least three dresses that I immediately wanted. I made a beeline for them and then hesitated. It felt odd, somehow, indelicate, to be spending money on myself in front of my best friend. She was standing by a glass-topped drawer of jewellery, necklaces and bracelets and rings in delicate, filigreed platinum, laid out in tempting rows on white velvet underneath the glass.
"Nice, aren't they?" I said, coming up beside her.
"They're lovely," she said. Then she leaned in and spoke in a murmur. Her voice stirred the hair by my ear. "A lovely price too."
"Oh well," I said, a little uncomfortably. "I suppose so."
"Nice though," said Jessica. She squeezed my arm and then went to move away.
"Do you want one?" I said, blurting out my request. It took me by surprise but the second I'd said it, I could see I'd surprised Jessica more.
"You what?"
I pointed. "Do you want one? One of those?"
She came back to the cabinet and looked down, then looked back at me. I could see both incredulity and suspicion competing for control of her face.
"What do you mean?" she said, frowning.
"I mean, do you want one?"
She looked at the cabinet again. "Well, of course," she said, "But - "
"Because I'll buy you one," I said, my words rushing over one another. "I mean, I'll buy you one. Whichever one you want."
She looked back at me. "You'd buy me one?" she said, and her tone was wondering. "You would?"
"Of course," I said. I could feel the smile stretching my face. It suddenly seemed like such a stupid little thing, a gesture I should have made a lot earlier. "Call it - call it a welcome back present."
She started to laugh then. There was still a wondering note in her voice and her eyes didn't leave my face. She was looking at me like she'd looked so intensely beforehand, when we hadn't spoken, when she'd just been a figure in the street, but the message beaming from her eyes was so different. She looked... happy.
"That's very kind of you, Maudie," she said, quite formally but with a bubble of laughter still trapped in her throat.
"You're welcome,” I said, and this time I squeezed her arm.
She drew in her breath when they put my credit card through the till reader and the price came up, but I waved her away. "It's a gift!" I said. "Don't worry about it. God knows I owe you some birthday presents- "
Even outside in the street, her hand kept straying to her pocket, where she'd put the little velvet-covered box. I was touched. I wanted to buy her something else, to see that look of happiness on her face again, but thought I'd better not. Not until next time we met, anyway.
"You're very generous, Maudie," she said.
I shrugged, a little embarrassed as I always was when people mentioned money.
"Well, I suppose it's easy to be generous when you've got money."
"Hah," said Jessica. "You'd think that would be the case, wouldn't you?”
We walked on a little further.
"Isn’t that the case?" I said.