He paused for breath. I heard myself say something in a tiny, child’s voice that even I could barely hear.
“You thought I loved you?” he said. He started to laugh and then stopped abruptly. “Of course not, don’t be ridiculous. You’re not capable of being loved.”
I think we’d both forgotten Jessica. She took another step forward, further into the light. She was looking at Matt with an odd expression on her face.
“You know what I think?” he said. “I mean, what I really think – I’m not just saying this to hurt you, although Christ knows you deserve it. I think you killed Jessica. I don’t know why and I don’t know why you can’t remember it, but that’s what I think. That’s what you’ve not been facing for the rest of your life.”
“That’s not true!” I said, horrified. “That’s a lie.”
“Is it?” said Matt, sneering. “Well, you’d know all about that. You’re the liar, Maudie. You lie all the time, you lie and lie and lie. Do you even know you’re doing it? How can anyone trust anything that comes out of your mouth? You’re not even that good at it, did you realise? Do you really think I had no idea about your drinking? You’re so thick you judge everyone by your own pathetic standards. It’s a fucking insult. All this guff you’ve made up about your father, Christ, a child could see through it. I don’t know why you bothered.” He laughed at my expression. “It’s been like living with a child, a particularly moronic child. I’ve earned that fucking money, that’s for sure. I’ve fucking earned it ten times over.”
Something was rising up inside me. I gripped my legs, trying to control the shaking of my hands. The second he’d uttered the word ‘money’ I knew the truth – it was heading up within me, grabbing me in the throat, sending my blood thundering. My skin prickled with the knowledge. I looked at Jessica and said her name. She didn’t answer. I said it again.
“Jessica.”
Slowly, her eyes went from Matt’s face to mine.
“What’s your real name?” I said. “Because you’re not Jessica, are you?”
Her face twitched. “I can’t tell you that,” she said.
“Why not?”
“I just can’t.”
I hadn’t taken my eyes from her face. “Why did you come here?” I whispered.
She looked at me, her hand still up to her throat. I thought for a second she wasn’t going to answer.
“I was worried,” she said, again.
"You were worried?" said Matt, and the sound of his voice made us both start. "You? You, with your well-tuned moral sense? What a fine upstanding person you are! You must be really proud of yourself!"
She looked at him. I saw comprehension dawning slowly on her face; she looked dazzled, as if she'd just woken from a not particularly pleasant dream. She looked at him the way I was looking at him; as a person never seen before. She didn't bother to reply.
"Tell me," I said, to her alone.
"Don't tell her," said Matt.
She looked at him with what looked like irritation. “It hardly matters now,” she said. “Does it?”
"Just shut up, would you?" said Matt. He was sweating; I could see his top lip shining even in the dim light.
I looked back at Jessica. “What’s your real name?” I said. “What are you really called?”
She just shook her head.
"I'm not mad," I said, trying out the sound of the words. Then I said it to Matt. "I'm not mad. You tried to make me think I was."
"No I didn't," said Matt, "You know you are. You’re not normal. You just don't want to admit it." He bent down and picked up the brandy glass and held it out to me. "Go on, drink this down. You'll feel much better about things afterwards. You know you always do, when you drink."
It would be the easiest thing in the world to capitulate. To give in. To keep the peace. My hand moved forward and then something stopped it; I could feel something snapping shut, like a trap within me.
I looked him in the eye. “I don’t think I will.”
My blood was up and humming. I was darting little glances at the open door to the hallway. What was the chance that I’d be able to get past him and out the door? I thought for a moment of shouting for help but it was an old building; the walls were thick, the ceilings high. No one would hear me.
I thought faster than I’d ever had in my life. I was in danger here. I looked at my husband. He looked like Matt, he sounded exactly like Matt, but he’d been body snatched. He’d been possessed by someone I didn’t know at all.
“Why–” my voice cracked for a second. I tried again. “Why did you do this?”
Matt rolled his eyes.
“Was it just for the money?” I said. I had that horrible, sweaty feeling you get when you’re about to vomit. I swallowed hard. “Was that all it was about? How could you – how could you be so cruel?”
He didn’t answer.
“You were trying to drive me mad,” I said. The full meaning of the words hit me for a second and I almost gagged. “Were you going to have me locked away? Was that the plan? You wanted the money for yourself, all of it? You couldn’t bear to share it with me?”
“Oh Maudie,” he said. He was trying for a bored, incredulous tone, I could tell, but he couldn’t quite pin it down. “What are you saying? You’re totally insane.”
“But that wasn't it, was it Matt?" I said. I could hardly speak, my mouth was so dry. "That wasn't what you had planned at all, was it?" I thought back to the sleeping pills he'd reminded me to get. I thought of how bitter the brandy he’d brought me had tasted.
"Were you trying to get me sectioned? Or was it more than that, were you trying to make me kill myself? Or were you going to do it for me?”
“Oh God, would you just listen to yourself?” said Matt. I could see beads of sweat caught like pearls in his stubble. “You’re completely insane, you’re mad.”
Jessica was looking back and forth, from Matt's face to mine.
“I’m not,” I said again. “If I’m mad, who’s that?” I gestured at Jessica. “Who’s that, then?”
Matt’s face flickered. “Who’s who?” he said, quietly. “Maudie, there’s no one there.”
I blinked. For a moment, I thought I’d misheard him.
“Don’t be stupid,” I said after a moment. “Don’t try that. You know she’s there. She’s there.”
He was looking at me quite steadily. “Who’s she?” he said. I could see Jessica’s head whipping back and forth as she switched her gaze between our faces. “There’s no one there.”
“You just talked to her! You just looked at her! You told her not to come here.”
“Maudie, for God’s sake,” he said. He was holding both hands up as if he were warding something off. “You’re frightening me now.”
“Stop it,” I said, my voice trembling. “I know what you’re trying to do.”
“Stop what?” he said. His voice had got suddenly gentler. “Maudie, you need help. You’re seeing things. There’s no one there.”
“There is!” I said, in what was not quite a shout. The sound made me start to cry, properly, and I heard myself sob with helpless fury. “She’s there, she’s right there, you were just talking to her, she’s there...”
Matt was shaking his head, quite slowly. The disgust was gone from his face: now he simply looked sad. He held out the brandy glass to me again. “Drink this,” he said. “You need to drink this. Don’t struggle anymore.”
I turned to Jessica. “I know you’re there,” I said, my voice vibrating so much I could barely understand myself. “This is just part of his plot, that’s all. You know that.”
"I’m here," she said. “You’re not wrong.”
I looked her, full in the face. I had to make her understand.