2 The day-to-day diary entry of February 24, 1945, refers to “the twins”; these were probably Jeff and Curly.
[* Not his real name.] [† Not his real name.] [‡ Not his real name.]
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Lost Years
more “the man of the family”; he was the good-looking one, he worked at an outdoor job (it was either landscape gardening or a nursery garden), he was butch (though not excessively). Kelley (I have forgotten what his job was) made most of the decisions and was altogether more practical; later, when Bo became somewhat
[unwell], Kelley looked after him. I don’t know how long they had already been together––I think they had both been in the service; but you felt that they would never part. They were both full of fun and gossip and took great interest in everything to do with show business.
They both loved to get into drag.
February 4: “Swami had lumbago, van Druten lectured. With Bill to Beesleys’. They went to see house. Van Druten to supper. Said goodbye to Bill.”
John van Druten’s lecture at the Vedanta temple that Sunday
morning was probably a version of the article by him called “One Element” which later appeared in our magazine Vedanta and the West and was then reprinted in our anthology Vedanta for Modern Man. I remember that John wanted to quote directly from Androcles and the Lion and wrote to the Shaw estate for permission to do so. This permission was refused; so, in the article, he has been obliged to paraphrase Shaw’s dialogue.
Since this was Christopher’s last day with Bill Harris, the Beesleys found an excuse to leave them alone together after lunch. This is the significance of, “They went to see house.” (The Beesleys really were about to move, however; their house hunting wasn’t fictitious.) It was one of those warm California winter days, and Bill and Christopher were able to have sex out on the lawn, near the swimming pool.
Thus their affair ended. When they met again, it was as
friends––by which I mean chiefly that their relationship had ceased to be tense, reproachful, embarrassing. Had they ever been lovers?
Not really. I much doubt that Bill was ever anything but friendly in his feelings toward Christopher; also a bit flattered, perhaps, by all the fuss Christopher made over him. He found Christopher sufficiently attractive, sexually––but then, he found all manner of people sufficiently attractive. I don’t think he was really turned on by anyone who wasn’t taller than himself.
As for Christopher, I don’t think he was in love with Bill. I think what Christopher felt was a sort of compulsive craze. While
Christopher was still intending to become a monk, Bill represented The Forbidden. Also, he was The Blond, an important myth figure in Christopher’s life––Christopher had a strong belief that he was, or ought to be, automatically attracted to spectacular blonds. (No ¾ 1945 ¾
19
reason for this occurs to me at the moment; if I think of one, later, I’ll insert it as a footnote [below].)1 Also––and this is very important––Bill was introduced to Christopher by Denny. For
Denny was another myth figure at that period; he was Satan, the tempter, the easy-as-an-old shoe friend who is so comfortable to be with because he knows the worst there is to know about you; the captive audience which holds its entertainers captive, demanding relentlessly to be surprised and amused. Christopher’s Satan held Christopher in his power by provoking Christopher to indiscretion.
Having dared Christopher to start an affair with someone––“I bet you can’t get him,” Satan says––he wheedles and flatters Christopher into talking about the new lover. So Christopher finds himself giving a blow-by-blow and word-for-word description of their affair; and thus the affair turns into a theatrical performance. (When the other person involved knows that this is going on, he will object violently 1 May 14, 1973. An explanation has just occurred to me. It sounds ridiculous, but then psychological insights often do, according to the psychologists. (I realize it’s possible that I got this out of one of their books and have chosen to forget that I did.)
Is The Blond maybe an archetype peculiar to the British Collective Unconscious? (I’m not using “archetype” in its strict Jungian sense, of course, because the Jungian archetype “can . . . manifest itself [spontaneously]
anywhere, at any time.” [“A Psychological View of Conscience,” Civilization in Transition, Collected Works, volume 10.] But it’s the most descriptive word I can think of.) The Blond, in relation to a primitive Briton, would be the blond Norseman or Saxon invader of his homeland. The Blond conquers, plunders, rapes. He is the masculine yang to Britain’s feminine yin. As an individual Briton, you are free to deny that you are feminine, to fight him and get killed––but that’s your own affair. The Blond is unalterably yang. As for Christopher, he was quite ready to be yin.
So much for the archetype theory. It may account for Christopher’s feelings about blonds as a group. But the fact remains that many of the blonds in Christopher’s life were definitely un-yang––pretty, feminine boys who wanted to be fucked. This compels me to theorize further: maybe Christopher unconsciously took over the role of Invader when he went to live in Germany and later in the States? He couldn’t become The Blond (though he did, occasionally, dip his forelock in the peroxide bottle) but, as The Invader, he could fuck yin boys even if they happened to be blonds. If the blond boy was yang, Christopher merely had to stop being an invader and think of himself as a yin Briton!
Still, I can’t believe that Christopher literally thought of himself as an invader––that is such a Jewish fantasy. Certainly, he wanted to “possess”
Germany and the United States; not by conquering them, however, but by exploring them and learning to love them. He tried to do this by looking for an ideal German and later an ideal American Boy, through whom he could explore and love these countries.
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Lost Years
––if he really cares for Christopher. Bill did know and didn’t object.) But why did Christopher need a Satan in his life? The answer can only be that the affair in itself didn’t satisfy him; he could neither enjoy it nor even believe in it until his Satan had helped him turn it into a theatrical performance. On the rare occasions when
Christopher did become seriously involved, he lost the desire to talk about it, even to a Satan. So the expected performance was cancelled, and Satan’s feelings were hurt. (This happened to Denny, when Christopher met Bill Caskey.)
I even suspect that Christopher wasn’t greatly attracted to Bill Harris sexually. From Christopher’s point of view, The Blond had to be possessed “because he was there.” His possession was a status symbol, like owning a Cadillac. And the mere fact that a lot of people envied you––or so you liked to believe––was in itself sexually exciting, up to a point. Nevertheless, The Blond, if he was a perfect example, was too beautiful to excite Christopher for long. Christopher was like a Cadillac owner who really wanted a quite different make of car but wouldn’t admit it to himself. (Vernon Old continued to excite Christopher partly because his figure wasn’t perfect.)
Furthermore, Bill Harris was too feminine for Christopher’s taste.
I write the word and reject it immediately. “Too smooth” suggests itself as an alternative, but that doesn’t explain what I mean. Let me put it that Christopher was certainly able to feel violent lust for a feminine type of boy, provided that he had also a certain grossness, coarseness about him––thick curly hair on his chest and belly, for instance; even a roll of fat could be exciting. . . . Enough about this for the present; the subject will keep coming up.
Auden says that it’s important, in considering a sex relationship, to say exactly what the partners did in bed. Christopher used to fuck Bill, belly downwards. Bill never fucked him. (In general Bill only liked to be fucked––but on one occasion at least he made an