The room smelled of old cigarette smoke and floor cleaner. The chairs were hard metal folding devices, the table of the cubicle some synthetic composite designed by an accountant somewhere who thought low cost was the object.
“The first question is: Are you happy mostly, somewhat, or not at all?” asked Daphne.
“I can be happy knowing Remo is doing the right thing,” said Chiun.
“Which means?”
“I am never happy,” said Chiun.
“You're always happy, Little Father. You're happy when you're bitching.”
“Put down 'never happy, ever,'” said Chiun. “Would you be happy, beautiful young lady, if you had a son who talked to you like that?”
“I don't think I would,” said Daphne. “He's your son? You don't look white.”
“I am Korean.”
“Oh, he's Korean?”
“See?” said Chiun.
“Get on with the questioning. I'm white,” said Remo.
“Even this beautiful intelligent young woman knows,” said Chiun. “Thank you, miss.”
“All right, Remo, are you happy mostly, sometimes, rarely?”
“All the time,” snapped Remo.
“You don't look happy.”
“I'm happy. Get on with it.”
“I am the one who is unhappy,” said Chiun.
“You look happy,” said Daphne.
“One must bestow joy on his surroundings. Through joy, we have joy,” said Chiun.
“That's beautiful,” said Daphne.
“Wait until he tells you about heads on the wall,” said Remo.
“Are you some Oriental religion? I love Oriental religions.”
“I am Sinanju,” said Chiun.
“That's beautiful,” said Daphne. “I love the sound.”
“Then you'd better like dead bodies,” said Remo.
“How can you be so negative?” said Daphne. “I'm putting you down for negative.”
“It's the truth,” said Remo. “Okay, when do we join? I got the money right here.”
Daphne put down the loose-leaf book. Her eyes narrowed and her back straightened. Her voice rang with conviction.
“Some people may be in this for money, but they're losing the true strength of Poweressence. I have been in Sedona, est, Scientology, Intensive Reunification, but only now have I found the one thing that has turned my life around.”
“From what?” asked Remo.
“Leave this good and beautiful girl alone,” said Chiun. “She is trying to help.”
“Thank you, sir,” said Daphne.
“Am I winning?” asked Chiun.
“With me you are, sir.”
“She is not only beautiful, she is wise.”
“Okay, is the test over? We'd like to join.”
“There are more questions,” said Daphne. “Are you ever bothered by something you can't seem to forget, something that just won't go away, some pain that recurs and you don't know why?”
“No. Can I join now?” said Remo.
“And you, sir?” Daphne asked Chiun.
Chiun nodded to Remo. “You are looking at that pain.”
“In love relationships, do things seem to go well for a while and then suddenly the person seems to be someone you don't like or who does hurtful things?”
“Ah,” said Chiun. “Wisdom and beauty are one in you, my child.”
“No,” said Remo. “Can I join now?”
“Do good opportunities seem to vanish from you when others enjoy them?”
“We can serve anyone in the world but are being held down in this madhouse going nowhere,” said Chiun.
“And you, Remo, I imagine, 'No'?”
“Right. Can we join?”
“In a minute,” snapped Daphne.
“Do you feel sometimes that the world is not a nice place to live? You, Remo, never, right? And you, Mr. Chiun?”
“To meet someone as wise as you enlightens and brightens the entire world for everyone,” said Chiun.
Daphne trembled. Her eyes watered. “That's beautiful,” she said. “We don't usually have winners and losers, Mr. Chiun, but you win. And you... you lose, Remo.”
Chiun beamed. Remo shrugged and asked if they could join now.
“You are eligible for entrance level, the adjustment to your world and how to be happier, richer, more content and powerful in ten steps. Do you want that?”
“Not really,” said Remo. “I want to join.”
“Three hundred dollars for each of you.”
Remo had it in cash. He had brought a large bankroll at Smith's suggestion. He peeled off six one-hundred-dollar bills and then asked to take the next course.
“You haven't taken the first one yet.”
“That's all right,” said Remo.
“I won't take the money,” said Daphne.
“Is there a manager?”
“He won't take it either. You have got to take the course. You have got to expand your astral relationships. You have got to get your past lives in order so that you can move on through this one unencumbered by ancient sins.”
“You speak great wisdom, child,” Chiun said in English, and then in Korean said, “Only whites would believe something this stupid.”
“A lot of Orientals believe stuff like that,” Remo answered in Korean.
“Not quite that stupid. That stupid is white,” said Chiun, and then switched back to English to tell Daphne Bloom how excited he was about taking the first level.
Remo asked if they could take the first level in ten minutes because he wanted to get on to the second level before lunch. Twelve thousand dollars later, they were at Level Seven, with Daphne Bloom suddenly discovering that she was elevated to spiritual director because of her success with these two clients.
“But I haven't coordinated all my past lives,” she told the manager.
“That's okay, honey. You're a real winner. We got live ones now. Push it over the top. You can have free courses for life and a commission.”
“I don't want commissions. I want my self-unity to unleash my power,” said Daphne.
“Better yet. You got it. You got all the past lives you can handle, honey,” said the manager of the Poweressence Miami Beach temple. “Could I interest you in some real estate too?”
Near the end of the day, Remo allowed as how he wanted to take more and more courses, hundreds of thousands of dollars' worth of courses, but he and his friend had a problem.
“We might have to go to jail. You see, there is this troublesome little court case against me and my friend and we'll have to stop now. Can't study this stuff in prison.”
“We'll mail it,” said the manager.
“No. I just really have to be out of prison to enjoy this. I hear that once you get this stuff into your system, everything works out well for you.”
“Who told you that?” asked the manager.
“A businessman I know,” said Remo, “and a rancher. And a mobster. They have a lot of faith in you.”
“Big stuff has to move through upstairs. Maybe I can arrange something.”
“That would be nice,” said Remo.
“But you've got to tell them I sent you. You've got to tell them you belong to the Miami Beach temple of Poweressence.”
“You can count on it,” said Remo.
“Do you want to join the crusade also?” asked the manager.
“What crusade?”
“The crusade for freedom of religion in America.”
“I thought anyone could believe what they wanted.”
“Not if you don't please the powers that be. Not if you are fearless in your defense of truth. Not if you are positive.”
“Are those the people who hold up signs and run at the President whenever he makes a speech?” asked Remo.
“I don't know those people but I do know our famous Kathy Bowen, who is leading the crusade. You can contribute to that.”
“Who's Kathy Bowen?”
“Famous Kathy Bowen?” asked the manager.