Love, Again

'All that anguish and lying awake at night,' she insisted, forcing herself to remember that indeed she had done all that. (It occurred to her she had not even acknowledged, for years, that she had done all that.) 'Thank God it can never happen to me again. I tell you, getting old has its compensations.' Here she stopped. It was because of his acute examination of her. She felt at once that her voice had rung false. She was blushing — she felt hot, at any rate. He was, there was no doubt, a handsome man, or had been. He was a pretty good proposition even now. Twenty years ago perhaps… and here she smiled ironically at him, for she knew her hot cheeks were making confessions. She went on, however, actually thinking that if he could be so brave, then so could she. 'What I think now is, I was in love too often.'

'I'm not talking about the little inflammations.'

Again she had to laugh. 'Well, perhaps you are right.' Right about what? — and she could see he was finding the phrase, as she did the moment it was out, a bromide, dishonest. 'But why do we assume it always means the same thing to everyone — being in love? Perhaps "little inflammations" is accurate enough, for a lot of people. Sometimes when I see someone in love I think that a good screw would settle it.' Here she took from him, as she had expected to, a surprised and even hard look at the ugly term, which she had used deliberately. Women who are 'getting on' often have to do this. One minute (so it feels) they are using the language of our time (ugly, crude, honest), and in the next, they have become, or feel they soon will if they don't do something about it, 'little old ladies', because the younger generation have begun to censor their speech, as if to children. But, she thought, critical of herself, there is no need to take up stances with this man.

He said, after a long pause, while he examined her, 'You've simply decided to forget, that's all it is.'

She conceded, 'Very well, then, I have. Perhaps I don't want to remember. If a man had ever been everything to me — that's what you said, everything… but I did have a very good marriage. But everything… let's talk about your play, Stephen.' And she deliberately (dishonestly) let this look as if she didn't want to talk about her dead husband.

'All right,' he agreed, after a pause. 'But it's not important. I don't really mind about it. Scrap it.'

'Wait. I'm going to keep a good bit of it. The dialogue is good.' This was not tact. His dialogue in parts was better than hers. Now she knew why. 'Do you realize you have made Rémy the focus of everything? The real love? What about Paul? After all, she did run away to France with him.'

'Rémy was the love of her life. She said so herself It's in her journals.'

'But she didn't get into her stride with the journals until after Paul ditched her. Suppose we had a day-by-day record of her feelings for Paul, as we have for Rémy?' He definitely did not like this. 'You identify with Rémy — and it is your own background. Minor aristocracy?'

'Well, perhaps.'

'And you've hardly mentioned the son of her worthy printer. Julie and Robert took one look at each other and, quote, If you have a talent for the impossible, then at least recognize it. After that, she killed herself. It seems to me the printer's son could easily have been as important as Rémy.'

'It seems to me you want to make her a kind of tart, falling in love with one man after another.'

She couldn't believe her ears. 'How many women have you been in love with?'

Obviously he couldn't believe his. 'I don't really see the point of discussing the double standard.'

They were looking at each other with dislike. There was nothing for it but to laugh.

Then he insisted, 'I have been in love, seriously, with one woman.'

She waited for him to say 'my wife' — he was married — or someone else, but he meant Julie. She said, 'It's my turn to say that you have decided to forget. But that isn't the point. At the risk of being boring, art is one thing and life another. You don't seem to see the problem. In your version, her main occupation was being in love.'

'Wasn't being in love her main occupation?'

'She was in love a lot of her time. It wasn't her main occupation. But these days we cannot have a play about a woman ditched by two lovers who then commits suicide. We can't have a romantic heroine.'

Clearly she could not avoid this conversation: she reflected it was probably the tenth time in a month.

'I don't see why not. Girls are going through this kind of thing all the time. They always have.'

'Look. Couldn't we leave it to people who write theses? It's an aesthetic question. I am simply telling you what I know. Out of theatre experience. After all, even the Victorians made a comic song out of "She Was Poor but She Was Honest". But I think I know how to solve it.' Her duplicity with him would be limited to not telling him she had solved it already. 'We can leave the story exactly as you have it. But what will put the edge on it… there is something; I hope you are going to ask what.'

'Very well,' he said, and she could see that this was the moment when he finally gave up his play. With good grace. As one would expect from someone like him.

'We will use what she thought about it all… '

'Her journals!'

'Partly. Her journals. But even more, her music. There are her songs, and a lot of her music lends itself — we can use words from the journals and fit them to the music. Her story will have a commentary — her own.'

He thought about this an uncomfortably long time. 'It is astonishing — it is really extraordinary — the way Julie is always being taken away from me.' Here he looked embarrassed and said, 'All right, I know that sounds mad.'

She said, 'Oh well, we are all mad,' but, hearing her comfortable maternal voice, knew at once she was not going to be allowed to get away with it. Again she was finding his acute look hard to bear. 'I do wonder what it is you are mad about,' he remarked, with more than a flick of malice.

'Ah, but I've reached those heights of common sense. You know, the evenly lit unproblematical uplands where there are no surprises.'

'I don't believe you.'

You could say their smiles at each other, companionable but satiric, marked a stage.

The restaurant was emptying. They had come to the end of what they had to say to each other, at least for now. Both were making the small movements that indicate a need to separate.

'You don't want to hear any more of my ideas for the play?'

'No, I shall leave it to you.'

'But your name will be on it, with mine, as co-authors.'

'That would be more than generous.'

They left the restaurant, slowly. At this very last moment, it seemed they did not want to part. They said goodbye and walked away from each other. Only then did they remember they had been together for nearly three hours, talking like intimates, had told each other things seldom said even to intimates. This idea stopped them both, and turned them around at the same moment on the pavement of St Martin's Lane. They stood examining each other's faces with curiosity, just as if they had not been sitting a few feet apart, for so long, talking. Their smiles confessed surprise, pleasure, and a certain disbelief, which latter emotion — or refusal of it — was confirmed when he shrugged and she made a spreading gesture with her hands which said, Well, it's all too much for me! At which they actually laughed, at the way they echoed, or mirrored, each other. Then they turned and walked energetically away, he to his life, she to hers.

In the office, Sarah found Mary Ford making a collage of photographs for publicity, while Sonia stood over her, hands on her hips, in fact learning, but making it look as if she was casually interested.