Chapter 14.
A Council of War
“The fact is,” said Ukridge, “if things go on as they are now, my lad, we shall be in the cart. This business wants bucking up. We don’t seem to be making headway. Why it is, I don’t know, but we are /not/ making headway. Of course, what we want is time. If only these scoundrels of tradesmen would leave us alone for a spell we could get things going properly. But we’re hampered and rattled and worried all the time. Aren’t we, Millie?”
“Yes, dear.”
“You don’t let me see the financial side of the thing enough,” I complained. “Why don’t you keep me thoroughly posted? I didn’t know we were in such a bad way. The fowls look fit enough, and Edwin hasn’t had one for a week.”
“Edwin knows as well as possible when he’s done wrong, Mr. Garnet,” said Mrs. Ukridge. “He was so sorry after he had killed those other two.”
“Yes,” said Ukridge, “I saw to that.”
“As far as I can see,” I continued, “we’re going strong. Chicken for breakfast, lunch, and dinner is a shade monotonous, perhaps, but look at the business we’re doing. We sold a whole heap of eggs last week.”
“But not enough, Garny old man. We aren’t making our presence felt. England isn’t ringing with our name. We sell a dozen eggs where we ought to be selling them by the hundred, carting them off in trucks for the London market and congesting the traffic. Harrod’s and Whiteley’s and the rest of them are beginning to get on their hind legs and talk. That’s what they’re doing. Devilish unpleasant they’re making themselves. You see, laddie, there’s no denying it—we /did/ touch them for the deuce of a lot of things on account, and they agreed to take it out in eggs. All they’ve done so far is to take it out in apologetic letters from Millie. Now, I don’t suppose there’s a woman alive who can write a better apologetic letter than her nibs, but, if you’re broad-minded and can face facts, you can’t help seeing that the juiciest apologetic letter is not an egg. I meant to say, look at it from their point of view. Harrod—or Whiteley—comes into his store in the morning, rubbing his hands expectantly. ‘Well,’ he says, ‘how many eggs from Combe Regis to-day?’ And instead of leading him off to a corner piled up with bursting crates, they show him a four-page letter telling him it’ll all come right in the future. I’ve never run a store myself, but I should think that would jar a chap. Anyhow, the blighters seem to be getting tired of waiting.”
“The last letter from Harrod’s was quite pathetic,” said Mrs. Ukridge sadly.
I had a vision of an eggless London. I seemed to see homes rendered desolate and lives embittered by the slump, and millionaires bidding against one another for the few rare specimens which Ukridge had actually managed to despatch to Brompton and Bayswater.
Ukridge, having induced himself to be broad-minded for five minutes, now began to slip back to his own personal point of view and became once more the man with a grievance. His fleeting sympathy with the wrongs of Mr. Harrod and Mr. Whiteley disappeared.
“What it all amounts to,” he said complainingly, “is that they’re infernally unreasonable. I’ve done everything possible to meet them. Nothing could have been more manly and straightforward than my attitude. I told them in my last letter but three that I proposed to let them have the eggs on the /Times/ instalment system, and they said I was frivolous. They said that to send thirteen eggs as payment for goods supplied to the value of 25 pounds 1s. 8 1/2 d. was mere trifling. Trifling, I’ll trouble you! That’s the spirit in which they meet my suggestions. It was Harrod who did that. I’ve never met Harrod personally, but I’d like to, just to ask him if that’s his idea of cementing amiable business relations. He knows just as well as anyone else that without credit commerce has no elasticity. It’s an elementary rule. I’ll bet he’d have been sick if chappies had refused to let him have tick when he was starting his store. Do you suppose Harrod, when he started in business, paid cash down on the nail for everything? Not a bit of it. He went about taking people by the coat– button and asking them to be good chaps and wait till Wednesday week. Trifling! Why, those thirteen eggs were absolutely all we had over after Mrs. Beale had taken what she wanted for the kitchen. As a matter of fact, if it’s anybody’s fault, it’s Mrs. Beale’s. That woman literally eats eggs.”
“The habit is not confined to her,” I said.
“Well, what I mean to say is, she seems to bathe in them.”
“She says she needs so many for puddings, dear,” said Mrs. Ukridge. “I spoke to her about it yesterday. And of course, we often have omelettes.”
“She can’t make omelettes without breaking eggs,” I urged.
“She can’t make them without breaking us, dammit,” said Ukridge. “One or two more omelettes, and we’re done for. No fortune on earth could stand it. We mustn’t have any more omelettes, Millie. We must economise. Millions of people get on all right without omelettes. I suppose there are families where, if you suddenly produced an omelette, the whole strength of the company would get up and cheer, led by father. Cancel the omelettes, old girl, from now onward.”
“Yes, dear. But—”
“Well?”
“I don’t /think/ Mrs. Beale would like that very much, dear. She has been complaining a good deal about chicken at every meal. She says that the omelettes are the only things that give her a chance. She says there are always possibilities in an omelette.”
“In short,” I said, “what you propose to do is deliberately to remove from this excellent lady’s life the one remaining element of poetry. You mustn’t do it. Give Mrs. Beale her omelettes, and let’s hope for a larger supply of eggs.”
“Another thing,” said Ukridge. “It isn’t only that there’s a shortage of eggs. That wouldn’t matter so much if only we kept hatching out fresh squads of chickens. I’m not saying the hens aren’t doing their best. I take off my hat to the hens. As nice a hard-working lot as I ever want to meet, full of vigour and earnestness. It’s that damned incubator that’s letting us down all the time. The rotten thing won’t work. /I/ don’t know what’s the matter with it. The long and the short of it is that it simply declines to incubate.”
“Perhaps it’s your dodge of letting down the temperature. You remember, you were telling me? I forget the details.”
“My dear old boy,” he said earnestly, “there’s nothing wrong with my figures. It’s a mathematical certainty. What’s the good of mathematics if not to help you work out that sort of thing? No, there’s something deuced wrong with the machine itself, and I shall probably make a complaint to the people I got it from. Where did we get the incubator, old girl?”
“Harrod’s, I think, dear,—yes, it was Harrod’s. It came down with the first lot of things.”
“Then,” said Ukridge, banging the table with his fist, while his glasses flashed triumph, “we’ve got ‘em. The Lord has delivered Harrod’s into our hand. Write and answer that letter of theirs to– night, Millie. Sit on them.”
“Yes, dear.”
“Tell ‘em that we’d have sent them their confounded eggs long ago, if only their rotten, twopenny-ha’penny incubator had worked with any approach to decency.” He paused. “Or would you be sarcastic, Garny, old horse? No, better put it so that they’ll understand. Say that I consider that the manufacturer of the thing ought to be in Colney Hatch—if he isn’t there already—and that they are scoundrels for palming off a groggy machine of that sort on me.”
“The ceremony of opening the morning’s letters at Harrod’s ought to be full of interest and excitement to-morrow,” I said.