This felt like her heart would implode. She hadn’t taken Rafe’s breath from his body, but she left him open and defenseless. In her heart, she knew he’d died because of her.
Died loving her.
“Take me, Matthias. Mark me. Please, do it.”
He shook his head. “Please don’t ask this of me.”
“You have to. You can do this for me. I’m giving myself to you.”
Taz stopped short of forcing him. Matthias closed his eyes, touched his forehead to hers, and she felt him search through her mind.
“Are you sure? I cannot undo this once it’s done.”
“Please! I can’t stand this,” she sobbed. “Please do it. Rafe is dead because of me.”
He took her pain away. There was a blinding light in her mind and his voice—
“Sleep, my love.”
Her body went limp in his arms. He picked her up and carried her back to their cabin.
Matthias closed the door. She was asleep on their bed, would hopefully sleep until morning.
“I cannot believe you did that!” Robertson protested in low tones outside the cabin when Matthias returned. “I don’t care that she begged. You had no right! She didn’t understand the full ramifications of what it means.”
“You didn’t feel how desperate she was, how close to breaking. She holds herself personally responsible for his death. What was I to do, let her suffer? Let her blame herself?”
“Bloody hell, it was just a kiss, Matthias! Jesus Christ, Rafael was a flirt. He did stuff like that all the time, you know that.”
Matthias fixed Tim with his gaze. “Matthias, what happened?”
Matthias shook his head. “She wouldn’t want me to tell anyone. Not even you. Let’s just say she got a taste of how powerful she is, and it got away from her. She thinks what she did caused a breach in Rafael’s defenses and allowed the demons access, and she feels very guilty and ashamed.”
Looking stunned, Albert asked, “Did she?”
“There is a chance she’s right.”
Tim fought to keep his voice low. “You took her free will, Matthias. There is no excusing that.” For the first time in the centuries he’d known him, Tim hated Matthias, regretted letting him meet Anastazia. “For all the promises you gave me of letting her get to know you and make her own decisions, then you go and mark her? How could you do that?”
“I didn’t.”
“What?”
Matthias studied the ground. “I didn’t mark her.”
He grabbed Matthias by the arm and pulled him farther from the cabin. “She begged you. We all heard it. We were standing right there.”
Albert followed the conversation, obviously listening, but staying out of it.
Matthias looked at them. “I didn’t do what she asked.”
“Then what did you do?”
He looked down. “She was upset and didn’t realize what I was doing. Wasn’t doing. She’s so strong, she thought I would have to do what she wanted, but she was not forcing me. I never could have done it otherwise. I simply made her to go to sleep.”
Matthias fought his own tears. He’d glimpsed something in her mind, a suspicion, a fleeting idea that if true, made Rafael’s death all the more poignant. But now, in this life, Anastazia loved him—Matthias saw the depths of it in her thoughts, despite her feelings for Rafe. He saw how remorseful she was and how she’d come to him in the night after leaving Rafe.
She hurt so much, was in so much pain. And now he bore his own guilt for bringing her into a life she wasn’t yet ready for. If anyone was to blame, it was him.
Albert found his voice first. “She can still—”
Matthias looked at them, anger painted on his face. “I don’t want her if she doesn’t choose me willingly. What’s the point of having someone who can’t choose freedom? I want to be her husband, not her jailer. I had to do something, but I refuse to mark her.”
Tim clasped Matthias’ arm, and shook his head in amazement. “You’re bloody brilliant, you know that? I was sure you’d marked her. She practically ordered you to do it.”
Albert reached out to his friend, touched his arm. “Matthias, are you okay?”
“Rafe knew the risks. I understand her pain. I’m responsible for his death because he was here at my request.” His face darkened, and his voice dropped. “I will avenge him.”
“How will you keep this from her?” Tim gently asked. “You’ve given her full access. You will have to block her from your mind, at least from that part of it. What is she going to think when she finds out that you didn’t mark her? You know she’s stronger than you. It’s only a matter of time.”
Matthias shook his head. “I don’t know. I’m hoping she doesn’t notice until later, when she has learned enough and can accept she’s not to blame. If she does, I won’t lie to her.” He looked at them both. “But she’s not ready. You’re right that she didn’t understand what she asked. She thought she did, but she was only thinking of her pain. Her grief is so strong. She was near breaking. And I need her focused on her survival. Rafe would want that.”
The other two nodded in agreement.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Matthias didn’t sleep. He sat next to Taz in their bed, propped up with several pillows, watching her. Her pain was now his. He couldn’t blame her for what she did any more than he could blame a two-year-old for coloring on the walls. And that guilt was his. Alone.
Before dawn she rolled over in bed, and her hand touched his leg. She stirred, looked up at him, smiled.
He smiled back. “Did you sleep well?”
Taz nodded, stretched, started to speak, and then saw Rafael’s ring on her hand. She looked Matthias in the eye. Her face froze, and then a look of horror washed over her.
“What? Anastazia, what’s wrong?”
She sat up. “You didn’t—you didn’t mark me.”
He didn’t know what to say. He honestly hadn’t expected her to figure it out that soon. He shook his head.
She turned away from him. “Rafe—”
Matthias grabbed her, turned her to face him. “Listen to me. You did not kill Rafael.”
“How can you say that?”
He gently shook her. “You did not kill him. Those creatures killed him.”
“Matthias, he couldn’t keep me out if he tried. He died because of me, what I did.” He felt the curtain of despair settle around her, black and suffocating.
Matthias roughly pulled her to him. He kissed her hard, and she eventually responded. Once he knew he had her attention, he released her. “You did not kill Rafael.”
She started to shake her head. He placed his hands on her cheeks, forcing her to look at him. “I didn’t understand, at first. When you held the demon’s mind for me, I saw what happened to Rafael. He thought it was you coming back, and he welcomed you in. It was someone working with them, I’m still not sure who, and then they took him over. He was in control of his mind when it happened, not you. I didn’t understand everything until you showed me the rest.”
Tears rolled down her face. He felt her mind reaching for his. He opened himself to her, letting her explore, and she saw for herself. And understood.
He put his arms around her, and she collapsed against him. “I’m so sorry, Matthias. I’m so, so sorry. I understand now. I know what you meant.”
“I know you do. I’m sorry you had to learn like this. I tried to make it stop hurting.” He rocked her, stroking her hair, caressing her mind. “Rafe was here, willingly, helping us. He knew the risks.”