He called up Isabel and I listened to their conversation blatantly, mainly because I didn’t understand any of it. There were a few tense moments, the heel of Mateo’s hand pressed to his forehead, his eyes squeezed shut. Finally, it seemed she acquiesced and he let out a sigh of relief.
I, however, was a bundle of raw nerves. This was his daughter we were talking about. And I knew she had no idea who I was. Mateo had told me that though Isabel knew there was another woman he met at Las Palabras, she didn’t know I was here, living with him, so Chloe Ann definitely didn’t know about me.
“What are you going to say to her?” I asked later as he was grabbing his keys off the hook on the wall, about to leave. “Who will you tell Chloe Ann I am?”
He gave me a soft look. “I will tell her you are a friend of mine from another country, Canada, and that you are very nice.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and folded my arms. “That’s it? I mean, don’t you think she’ll tell Isabel about me? Don’t you think that maybe you should tell her about me anyway? I mean, the thing with Sonia…it’ll happen again, don’t you think?”
He nodded and exhaled, his shoulders slumping slightly. He looked defeated. He stared at his feet for a moment before he looked back at me, a quiet desperation on his brow. “Vera, I just want you to see Chloe Ann. I want her to see you. You’re the most important girls in my life. So…I will ask a favor from you. Will you do me a favor?”
I couldn’t say no to him. “What?”
“Today, when I bring her back here, can you cover up your tattoos? Put your hair up. And I will call you Estrella.”
I felt my stomach freefall. I frowned, feeling disturbed. “You want me to hide who I am? Pretend to be someone else?”
His lips curved into a sympathetic smile. “No, Vera. Just…you are so lovely, so full of life. You’re distinctive. You’re right, I need to tell Isabel about you. But I also want you to see Chloe Ann, and I don’t want Isabel to hear it from her.”
“I don’t think I like this.”
“Please? Just this once.”
“She’ll still probably say she met Daddy’s friend Estrella, what’s the difference?”
“Please.”
I sighed, running my hand through my hair in frustration. “Fine.”
He came over and held me tight, a quick embrace. “Thank you. I’ll be back soon.”
And then he left.
I leaned back against the hallway wall, my legs splayed in front of me, barely keeping me up. This was getting so complicated, and it would only continue to be complicated until…well, I didn’t know when it would end. Things never got tidied up the minute a couple got divorced. It seemed, from what I’d seen, that the divorce itself was the easiest part and all the real shit is what came afterward, shit that went on for years.
And then I understood why Mateo wanted to keep me so hidden, so under wraps. Lucia had said that being with me wouldn’t reflect poorly on him to a judge, and while that may or may not be true, it obviously wasn’t what Mateo thought. He feared that if Isabel knew I was living with him, that it would affect his chances of getting joint custody of Chloe Ann. And I knew that if I was just some other woman, it probably wouldn’t be as much of a problem.
But I was me. I had all the tattoos, the piercings, the way I dressed, the way I was, the fact that I was fifteen years younger. I was sure that Isabel could spin me into anything she wanted; all she’d have to do was point to me and call me dangerous, a delinquent, a threat to her child.
For the first time in my entire life, I felt a cut of regret at all my tattoos.
But Mateo loves you for you, I told myself. Because of all those things that make you who you are.
I knew I was right. I knew that had I been someone else, someone older, no ink, someone prudish and classy and demure, that Mateo wouldn’t have fallen in love.
It was just such a shame that the reasons Mateo fell in love with me were the very same ones that could be used to rip his life apart.
With that heaviness weighing down on my heart, I went into the bedroom and changed into skinny jeans and my Freddie Mercury long-sleeved tee. I brushed my hair back and knotted it in a bun at the back. I took my dark eye makeup down a touch, but unfortunately that only highlighted my age. There was really nothing that could be done about that. Thankfully to a five-year-old, every adult looked the same—old.
While I was waiting for him to come back, I started pacing the apartment, trying to take my mind off of things, this terrible feeling of dread that had started building up in my gut after we saw Sonia last night, like the week of sex and fun was over and now things had to get very real and very serious. I’d only spoken to Josh once since I got here, but I had a feeling I was going to need his advice again. I couldn’t burden Mateo with this exact thing. He already had enough to worry about.
Suddenly my cell rang, jolting me out of my thoughts. It was Mateo.
“Hey, where are you?” I asked.
“I’m sorry,” he said in a whisper. “Do you mind coming to meet me at the zoo instead?”
The fuck was going on? “What? Why?”
“Please,” he said. “It will work better this way. Trust me.”
I exhaled sharply through my nose. “Fine. How do I get there?”
He gave me directions that sounded far more complicated than I wanted to deal with. I grabbed my purse and headed out the door.
Nearly an hour later, after I’d gotten off at the wrong Metro stop, I slogged my way through the heat up to the zoo, which was set in a beautiful park. After I paid my way in, I watched the signs to the Panda exhibit. Apparently it was one of the more popular attractions and Chloe Ann was obsessed with pandas. I was tempted to snatch up one of the stuffed ones I saw for sale in the kiosks, but thought that would probably come across as a bit creepy, a random lady giving a child a toy.
I kept my eyes peeled for them, taking in the sights, the smells, the screaming children, the families. It was kind of weird to be in this atmosphere, so wholesome and normal.
Eventually I spotted Mateo in the crowd. With Chloe Ann up on his shoulders, it wasn’t hard. I stood there, watching, unseen, just wanting to observe him and his daughter together.
She was certainly a precious little thing. She had on blue leggings, a white t-shirt that already seemed to have some sort of stain on it, and little blue running shoes on her feet. Her profile was dainty and cute—she got Isabel’s delicate nose and Mateo’s full lips—and she had long sandy brown hair that waved and shimmered in the sun. I was surprised at how at ease she seemed with Mateo, holding on to his head and occasionally smacking him playfully in the face over something. Sometimes she’d kick her heels into his chest, like he was a horse, and he’d try and take her closer. Unfortunately, the crowd in front of the pandas was so thick that even I couldn’t see what they were all staring at.
While they stood there, she talked to him, nearly non-stop, always smiling. In turn, Mateo was smiling too, a big, beautiful smile that made his face glow. It was almost heartbreaking to know what was going on outside of this picture, and once again the guilt started eating away at me.
I didn’t know how long I was planning on being a stalker but eventually Mateo’s sixth sense kicked in. He swivelled his head and his dark eyes came right to me.
I lifted my hand up quickly in a soft wave. He smiled back and then said something to Chloe Ann. The girl scrunched up her face, not happy about this no more panda thing, and he brought her over to me.
I didn’t know what to do or say, how to act, how to stand, so I just stared at him while he stopped right in front of me. Chloe Ann’s eyes were not noticing me at all—they were looking in the distance at what other animals lurked out there.