“There’s something I’ve never told anyone. It’s been slowly eating away at me, and I’m not going to be the father your baby deserves unless I deal with it.”
I open my mouth to tell him it’s our baby, but he cuts me off. “The day I lost Aly, I lost a baby too. One I didn’t even know she was carrying.”
My mouth gapes. I never thought … I never would have thought. “How did you find out?” I whisper, quietly standing behind him. I want so badly to wrap my arms around him.
“The doctor told me after her autopsy. He guessed she was about eight weeks along.”
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“Do you think she knew?”
I can’t take it anymore. I wrap my arms around his waist. I’m not sure where this is going … where we’re going, but he shouldn’t go through this alone. “That she was pregnant?”
“Yeah,” he whispers.
My cheek rests on his warm T-shirt, feeling how fast his heart beats. “No, I don’t think she knew. It’s hard to describe, but after only a few days, I already love my little bean. I want to do everything right by him or her. I couldn’t imagine … I couldn’t.”
He inhales a deep breath. “She used to talk about having kids. I wasn’t ready and didn’t think it would be good for her. After she died, I thought—” he chokes up, his breaths coming faster.
“It’s okay. You don’t need to tell me.” Tears stream down my cheeks. His pain is mine. It has been since he stole my heart all those months ago.
His hand covers mine. “No, I do. I’ve kept it in for so long. After she died, I thought she did it because she didn’t want to disappoint me. That maybe she knew, and didn’t want to tell me. That maybe she thought I’d leave her.”
“It’s not your fault,” I cry, pressing a kiss to his spine. So much of what’s happened over the last week makes sense now. He wasn’t running from me; he was running from the memories.
“Do you believe in God?” he asks out of the blue.
“Yes. He’s given me more than I think I can handle a few times, but I’ve always gotten through with his help.”
“I used to, but after everything that happened with Aly, I couldn’t. Why did he let her get to that point? Why would he let an innocent baby die in the process? Why didn’t he give me a reason to stay that night?”
“She was sick, Blake. She may not be here anymore, and there may be a baby you never got to meet, but God made them angels. They’re watching over you, and they’d want you to be happy. I know she’d want you to be happy.”
His whole body shakes. I loosen my grip and move around to face him. I thought my heart broke when Derek ended our relationship. I thought it shattered when Blake left on Christmas Day. Those were merely cracks compared to what I’m feeling now staring up at Blake. I’ve never seen a person look so defeated—the wet lines down his cheeks, the way his shoulders curl over his chest, clenched jaw, skin bunched around his eyes in a pained stare.
“She left a note.” His voice shakes.
My hands move up and down his arms, trying to comfort him, but I can’t take my eyes from his face. No matter how much it hurts, I can’t.
“She said she thought I’d be better off without her. She said I’d be able to move on with my life without having to worry about her. She said she loved me … that she’d always love me.” He pauses, taking a deep breath. “Maybe she just didn’t know how much I loved her. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for her.”
Holding his face in my hands, I force him to look at me. “That tells me she knew you loved her so much you’d never give up on her. She was tired, Blake, and she didn’t want you to live that way. You were never going to give up on her.”
I swipe my thumbs under his eyes, trying to wipe some of the tears away.
“She was pregnant in the picture I painted of her,” he says after a couple minutes pass. “She was going to be a mom and didn’t even know it.”
“You’ll have that—the painting and the memory.”
He nods against my palms. “I’m starting to believe in God again.”
“Yeah?”
His eyes find mine for the first time since we’ve been out here. “I didn’t want to fall in love with you, but you changed that because … because you’re you. I never wanted to come back after I left, but you were all I could think about no matter how much I tried not to. You’re stuck in me, or I’m stuck in you. Fate didn’t put us in that apartment together; I think God did. He handed me what I needed when he gave me you.”
I stand on my tiptoes, kissing his salty lips. “You’re my super glue, too, Blake. Until I met you, I was falling apart. Our love isn’t easy. We’ve had to fight for it, but it makes us stronger.”
“The night you told me you were pregnant, I left because it brought back too many memories. I needed some time to sort out my feelings, but I want this baby with you. I do, Lila.”
Everything makes sense now. He’s not running from me. He runs from his memories … or to them. I guess it depends how you look at it.
His hands circle my neck, his thumbs running along my jawline. “And when I walked out of the room today, it wasn’t about you either. I felt like I was losing it. It was selfish, and I’m sorry.”
“Do you want to see the pictures?”
“You have pictures?”
I nod, smiling. “Give me your keys.”
He does, and I take off running to his car to grab my purse. I pull them out and run back as fast as my feet will let me in the tall grass. “Here,” I say, handing them over to him.
His brows furrow as he rotates the pictures around.
“You can’t see much yet, but that’s our baby right there.” I point to the little white dot. “That’s why I’m calling him or her bean.”
“And everything looks good?” he asks, running his finger along the picture.
“So far, so good. I’m due in April.”
He places his finger under my chin to bring my eyes from the picture to his. “Even if bean isn’t mine, I’m not going anywhere. I mean what the tech said—”
“It’s yours. She put me at five weeks which means the baby was conceived about three weeks ago.”
He wraps his arms around me tightly. “Oh, thank God.”
I brush my lips against his neck. “It would have been you for me either way, too.”
“Are you feeling okay?” he asks, pulling back just a bit.
“Yeah, I just need to sit down. I’m feeling kind of tired … it’s been a long day.”
“Give me a second.” He sits down on the blanket, patting the space between his legs. “Sit.”
And I do, laying my head back on his shoulder. We listen to the sounds of the water running in the creek, and the few cars that drive by in the distance. It’s the most at peace I’ve felt in a long time.
“Have you ever thought about living out here?” he asks after a few minutes.
“A few times. This is my place I come to when I need to get away from everything else just to think.”
“I like it out here,” he admits.
I try to imagine Blake on the farm working in nothing but his jeans, sweat drenching his hair and chest. It’s not a bad picture.
“When we get back to Chicago, I’m going to tell Pierce that I can’t keep working for him. It’s not fair to you, and I’m sorry.”
“What are you going to tell him?”
I shrug. “He knows about the baby. I think I’m just going to tell him I’m taking some time off to concentrate on me … us.”
His body tenses. “When did you tell him?”
“The day we went to New York. I was sick and could barely function. I needed someone to talk to. He’s the one who flew me here.”
“I hate that he’s always saving you from me. I’m done giving him reasons to save you.”
“You don’t know how happy I am to hear that. Is there anything else you want to tell me so you don’t have a reason to run anymore?”
He groans, wrapping his arms around me. “Pierce was the one who gave me your parents’ address. I called him after your text and promised him I was going to do my best by you. Took me almost twenty minutes, but the perfect ass finally gave it to me.”
That’s one thing to thank Pierce for when I talk to him. “Is there anything else?”
“Just that I love you. I’m all out of secrets.”
I push my way out of his arms, and turn around straddling his lap. Folding my arms around his neck, I kiss every inch of his handsome face ending with his lips. We kiss until I’m out of breath and numb.
“Does anyone ever come back here?” he asks between kisses.
“Just me.”
His lips brush against my throat, his hand tugging on the neck of my T-shirt to give him access to my chest. “I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving to you how much I love you.”
“Just stay,” I pant. “That’s all I need you to do … stay.”
“What else?” he asks, pulling my bra below my breast, sucking on my nipple. They may be a little tender, but he does it gently. My hormones are out of control—I either find myself wanting to cry or have my clothes ripped off. Pregnancy is going to be interesting.
I tug at the bottom of his shirt until he lifts his arms allowing me to take it off. “I need you.”
“You don’t have to ask twice,” he murmurs, his lips still exploring my skin.
Within a few seconds, he has me on my back, tugging my clothes off in record time before working the button of his jeans. He thrusts into me without hesitation keeping his eyes on me the entire time. “Have you ever been out here before like this?” he asks, pushing in then slowly pulling back out.
“No,” I answer, struggling to speak.
“I like being your first.”
The pressure builds. “You’re my first baby daddy, too.”
He thrusts all the way in, filling me completely. “I’m your only baby daddy. Now and forever; I promise you that.”
The rest is sweet bliss.
A feeling that goes beyond happiness to euphoria.
And ends in ecstasy.