“Julia told the doctor she wasn’t going anywhere when he came in to check on me and asked why she was still there. She scrounged up some old magazines and read the articles in funny voices. She bought me a candy bar when I said I wanted something to eat and the nurse I asked said, ‘Honey, you’ll just throw it up.’ The nurse was right, but it didn’t matter. Julia at least listened to me. No one else did. And when I was able to leave, she walked with me out to my parents’ car, gave me a hug, and whispered,
‘I’m going to call Kevin the second I get home and tell him we’re never ever hanging out with that guy again. I really thought he was topping off your bottle but then, when you got so sick—I was scared, A.’ My parents were there, sure. But Julia was really there. She always was.”
And after all that, after I told Laurie about how Julia and I met and how amazing she was, this is what she said.
This is what she wanted to know.
“How did you end up in the hospital?”
I stared at her. She’d said we were going to talk about Julia, and I had. And that was what she had to 89
say? That? Hadn’t she heard a word I said, hadn’t she gotten how amazing Julia was?
She’s such a crappy shrink.
“How did you end up in the hospital?” she asked again.
I sighed. “Drank too much. Remember, the thing you usually make me talk about?”
“I know,” she said, and clicked her pen twice. “You said Julia told your parents what happened, that when she was done with her story they were relieved you were all right. What did she say?”
“That I thought I was drinking soda, but that someone had put a lot of liquor in it.”
“And they believed this?”
I laughed. “Duh. It’s my parents. Of course they did.”
She clicked her pen again. “What really happened?”
“I just told you. Weren’t you listening?”
“I’d like it if you’d elaborate a bit more. You did drink a lot, Amy, but this was the first and only time you ended up in the hospital because of it, right?”
I shrugged.
Laurie said, “I’d really like to know what happened,”
in a soft voice, like I wasn’t talking because I didn’t want to or couldn’t. It was so annoying.
“Fine. Julia and I were hanging out with Kevin and this guy he sort of knew, okay? And when I went to 90
the bathroom, the guy poured grain alcohol into my vodka.”
“Why?”
“Um, because he was an asshole.”
She clicked her pen.
“I don’t really know why—I didn’t ask him, you know, but it was probably because he got all pissed off when he tried to get me to go check out the bedrooms with him and I said ‘no way.’”
“And so then—”
“Then I came back from the bathroom and drank. I didn’t notice what he’d done until—well, I didn’t notice.
I passed out, and when Julia woke me up I started throwing up and couldn’t stop. So she took me to the ER.”
“I see. Was Julia with the boys when you went to the bathroom?”
“Guys. They weren’t eleven. God. And yeah, she was.
But she was, you know, busy with Kevin and didn’t notice.
If she’d noticed . . .”
“If she’d noticed, then what?”
“She would have said something.”
“What if she did notice?”
“What?”
“Is it possible that she knew?”
“That’s—you—” I couldn’t even talk, I was so angry.
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And what did Laurie do? More freaking pen clicking.
“I’m sorry you’re upset, but I’d like you to think about that night. What did you say before you went to the bathroom?”
“I don’t remember,” I said through clenched teeth.
But I did. I do. I was bored and not that drunk, had held back because I didn’t like the guy who’d attached himself to me. He was someone Kevin knew a little, which meant absolutely nothing to me because I thought Kevin was a jerk. Plus he had mean eyes.
After telling him for the fourth time that no, I really didn’t want to go check out the bedrooms with him, I told Julia I wanted to go home. She rolled her eyes but smiled and said, “Okay, fine, have another drink and we’ll go.”
“Fine,” I said, and did my best to ignore Mean Eyes while I had a swig and then another. And then a few more.
After a while, he put his hand on my thigh. I pushed it off and said I was going to the bathroom, knocking Julia’s shoulder as I walked by, hoping she’d get the hint. When I got back Mean Eyes was gone and Julia said, “Got rid of him for you, A. So now ten more minutes is no problem, right?”
Before I could even answer she’d gone back to making out with Kevin. I went back to drinking, and after a while 92
I remember looking at the bottle and then at my hands and wondering why I could hardly move them when I hadn’t had that much to drink. I told Julia I felt sort of sick, and after that it’s all blank.
“You’re sure you don’t remember?” Laurie said.
“No,” I said, and left. I didn’t care if time was up or not. I just wanted to go.
I found Mom in the waiting room and told her we could leave. The receptionist asked if I wanted to schedule my next appointment.
I ignored her and said, “Come on, let’s go,” when Mom tried to walk over to her.
“Amy?” Mom said, looking surprised, and I said, “I can’t come here anymore. I have to see someone else.”
Mom frowned, and then asked the receptionist if she could talk to Laurie. She went back to her office. She was gone for a long time.
When she came back out her mouth was shaking the way it does when she’s really upset.
“See?” I said, and she said, “We’re not switching ther-apists, Amy.”
I think she expected me to say something but I didn’t.
I didn’t say a word the whole way home, and when we got there I went straight to my room. I had to be by myself. I had to let silence wash away Laurie and her stupid questions.
93
I hate that she said such dumb things. I hate her stupid office and her stupid pen clicking. I hate the chair she sits in and the stupid diplomas on her wall, and I really hate her stupid questions. I can’t believe she asked me to talk about Julia and then didn’t listen to a word I said.
94
T E N
WELL, I’VE HAD my very first date. Predictably, it was a total disaster.
Also, it wasn’t a date at all.
I’d managed to block out the whole Mel thing—I mean, he didn’t even know where I lived—so when the doorbell rang tonight and Dad answered it, calling out,
“Amy?” in a weird voice, I figured—well, I thought maybe Julia’s mother had come by.
I raced into the hallway. Julia’s mother wasn’t there, but Mel was. And so was Patrick. I stared at them. Mel waved and said, “Hey, ready to go to the movies?” Patrick looked at the fl oor.
“You’re going out?” Dad said, his voice even weirder, and then Mom came in behind me and said, “Amy?
What’s going on?”
95
So then I had to ask my parents if I could go out on a date. In front of my date.
“But you didn’t tell us about this before,” Mom said at the same time Dad said, “Why didn’t you mention this earlier?”
“Well, see . . .” I didn’t know how to say, “Well, the thing is, I didn’t mean to say yes, but apparently I did.
Then I figured that since the guy didn’t know where I lived there was no way he’d show up, and so I was ready for another Friday night at home. Which should be obvious since I’m wearing jeans and a shirt with a ketchup stain.”
“I meant to,” I finally said. “I just forgot.”
“So now you want to go out with . . .” My father looked at Mel, who helpfully supplied his name again. “Who has brought along . . .” He looked at Patrick, who mumbled his name and leaned against the door like it was the only thing holding him up.