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I thought about that time right after you got your car.
The night we were supposed to go to Kenny Madden’s party. I didn’t want to go. I just wanted a break from it all, you know? Even when I drank I sometimes still felt too tall and stupid and too . . . me at parties.
You said, “Fine, it’ll probably suck anyway,” even though we both knew if you went you could hook up with a very hot senior who’d called earlier to make sure you were going. We stayed at your house and watched DVDs. You made fudge, and when your mother came home she didn’t even bitch about the melted chocolate that had hardened on the counter, just laughed and said she’d clean it up in the morning. It was so much fun. I had so much fun.
I thought you did too.
But you didn’t, I know you didn’t, because after I fell asleep, you snuck out your window. You came back in the morning after your mom had already gotten up, walked in as I was trying to edge out your front door and away from your mom’s furious face and accusations.
“Tell her I didn’t do anything,” I said to you. “Tell her I didn’t even know you’d left.”
“Where the hell were you?” your mother said. “Do you know how worried I was? Do you know how I felt when I looked in your room and you weren’t there?”
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“Whatever,” you said, tossing your jacket on a chair and heading upstairs. “I’m so sick of you not wanting me to have any fun.”
I never knew which one of us you were talking to.
I sat in silence till Laurie told me I could go.
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N I N E T E E N
CARO CALLED the day after we went to the university library. I wondered why until I picked up the phone and she said, “Have you done the research you said you would yet?”
“I’m working on it,” I said, and watched Mom, who’d answered the phone, wave at me and mouth, “I’ll give you some privacy,” before leaving the room, a huge smile on her face.
“Okay, good,” Caro said. “It’s just that you left kind of early, and Patrick basically bolted the second Mel and I came back again, so I was thinking that maybe you hadn’t . . .” She trailed off. I stared at the ceiling and told myself I wasn’t thinking about what Patrick had said to me.
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“I guess I’d better go,” she finally said, and we hung up. Mom came in a few minutes later, still smiling. I said,
“It was just someone about an English project,” before she could say anything, and then went back to doing my homework.
I could feel Mom watching me for a while, but she didn’t say anything.
Caro called again, and it was a repeat of before with Mom’s reaction, but after a few more calls—all the same, all about the presentation—Mom seemed to realize that my social life wasn’t about to change. I thought I’d be glad that Mom stopped looking so hopeful every time she called me to the phone, but I sort of missed her smiling like she knew something good was going to happen and that she wanted it for me.
Then Caro called last night, completely frantic about our presentation.
“Hi,” she said, when I picked up the phone. “Do you have any ideas about the role of the Mississippi in Huck Finn?”
“Well, since it was only all we talked about in class today, nope.”
“Oh crap, it was all we talked about today. I’m an obsessive freak, aren’t I?” she said, and laughed.
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The laugh surprised me. I spent my days surrounded by people who were completely unable to relax about anything even remotely school related, but Caro—at least Caro could laugh about it.
“Nah. A real obsessive wouldn’t have bothered saying hi first,” I said.
She laughed again. “Hey, I—I have to go to Millertown tomorrow afternoon to pick up something for my dad. Mom won’t let me drive to school, so I have to go home and get the car before I can go. It’s such a pain.
Do you maybe want to meet me at my house and come with?”
“What?”
“Never mind,” she said hastily. “I was just—it was a stupid idea. I’ve got a lot of homework so—”
“I’ll go.” I don’t know why I said it, but I did.
Mom and Dad were so happy when I told them I was doing something with someone after school that I was afraid they might explode.
Then Dad said, “Who’s Caro again?”
“I’m doing this thing, this presentation in English, with her,” I said. “And you guys know her. She used to come over all the time when I was little.”
“Oh, Caro,” Mom said, and Dad nodded, but I knew neither of them remembered her.
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“Well, that’s great,” Dad said. “I guess you won’t need me to pick you up tomorrow.”
“No, I will. You have to drive me to her house because Caro can’t let anyone see me and her hanging out at school.”
“I’m sure that’s not the case,” Dad said in a too-hearty voice that made even him look like he wanted to wince.
“Your father can drop you off,” Mom said, and then changed the subject to the latest company Dad was trying to work with, putting her hand on top of his.
I figured that meant all the phone calls that hadn’t led to a glittering social life let her see this wasn’t a big deal.
As usual, I was wrong.
When I got home tonight, Mom was waiting for me, and as soon as I came in she said, “So, how was it? Did you have fun?”
I shrugged.
“What did you do?”
I looked at her. “We drove to Millertown. We picked up a bowling trophy for her dad, and then we got cheese fries. Then she drove me home, and here I am. Now I’m going to go work on the presentation we have to do tomorrow.”
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I walked off before she could say anything else. I didn’t want to talk about the afternoon with her. I just—I don’t know.
It was fun. I had fun. The trophy me and Caro picked up—it was unbelievable. It was almost as tall as I am, and on top there was a guy standing with his arms in a victory V, one hand holding a bowling ball. We started laughing as soon as we saw it, and when we were eating our fries, she said, “Mom’s already made my dad swear to keep it in the basement,” and then imitated them arguing about it.
I laughed so hard my sides hurt.
We didn’t talk about school, we didn’t even talk about Beth or Mel. We just . . . we just got a stupid trophy and ate fries, nothing really, but the whole time I didn’t feel as bad as I usually do. I didn’t hate myself so much.
Mom didn’t quit, though. She came up to my room a few minutes later and said, “Well, I think it’s great you went out. And you know what? I was thinking that this weekend we could go to Oasis and get our hair cut.
Maybe we could even go to their spa, make a day of it.”
“I’m growing my hair out.” Julia always cut my hair.
She was really good at it, and I know she would have had her own salon by the time she was twenty, just like she 218
always said, and it would have been way better than Oasis.
(Even if I never have been there.)
“Oh. Well, maybe we could go to the mall or something instead.”
“I don’t think I can. And look, I have a lot of homework, and the presentation is tomorrow, like I said, and I ate already, so I—you know. I need to focus.”
Mom didn’t do anything for a moment, and then she nodded and left.
I thought maybe Mom would come back and ask me to do something with her again, but she didn’t. I went downstairs later to get a soda, and she and Dad were sitting at the kitchen table, holding hands and talking.
They didn’t even look up when I came in. They didn’t seem to notice me at all. Totally familiar territory, and exactly what I wanted. It just didn’t feel as great as I wanted it to.