He raised his brows, looking very happy. “You ready for another round?”
I shook my head and pulled my dress down far enough to show him what I’d written.
He cocked his head to see the words, and read slowly, “Baby.”
His eyes widened, neck straightened, and he pointed at me. “Wow. You are evil.”
I held out my hand, and slowly, grudgingly, he unfastened all of his pins and gave them to me. “I hear it’s a deluxe spa package,” I taunted him. “I’m pretty stoked.”
“I know. I was going to use it to bribe you into doing me sexual favors.” He said it in a pout.
As though he needed a bribe.
It was only later, at night, as I lay in the dark that his words began to move in my head. To circle. In a crazy loop.
Here’s all you need to know about crazy: Crazy’s favorite shape is a circle.
Broken records, crazy urges on a loop. Any of this ring a bell? That’s how crazy works, and why it keeps repeating itself.
And boy was it repeating itself now.
It was all happening again. Every insane fucking bit of it was back.
The all-consuming infatuation. Back.
The tight pull in my chest every time I looked at him. Back.
Falling asleep in his arms and still dreaming about him. Back.
Insane psychotic jealousy. Back. Doubly, because we were both afflicted with it.
Public make-out sessions, as though we were teenagers. Back.
Vibrating tongue and magic hands that made me lose all brain function. Back.
The heaven and hell of being with a man I couldn’t stand to be parted from for even an hour. Back.
His smile ruining me for every other smile in the world.
The joy and the pain of being undeniably, unquestionably in love.
How could one person, who’d proven to be so inherently bad for me, so wrong, still be so utterly necessary for my happiness?
It wasn’t fair.
I wasn’t lying there thinking about Trouble. And I wasn’t even thinking of how to avoid it. I simply wanted to co-exist with it.
The question was, as well-adjusted, okay, somewhat well-adjusted adults, could we turn this crazy thing healthy a second time around?
I was trying to plot it out, trying to find a game plan that could work, because I wanted this.
I needed goals, and rules, and a clear picture of what the future could hold.
But I didn’t have a clear picture of where this could be going, not long-term. And that terrified me.
CHAPTER THIRTY
The first three times he brought it up, I changed the subject. I really didn’t think it was a good idea.
Just the thought of going to one of his performances had me thinking of old times, bringing up long forgotten memories of the days when I’d lived to see him on stage.
The fourth time, he had a ticket for me, and he didn’t seem to be taking no for an answer.
“We don’t do these very often,” he cajoled. “I want you to be there. It could be a year before we perform live again. It’s a toned down venue. It won’t be some wild audience. Everyone will be sitting down, I swear.”
“Oh Tristan.”
I was hopeless. Truly.
“Please. As a favor to me. It would mean a lot to me for you to be there. For support.”
Just hopeless.
Why had I ever pretended that I was capable of telling him no? Utter denial, that.
I thanked the usher that showed me to my seat.
I glanced around nervously. I was in the first row, right by the stage. I knew that Frankie was attending. James and Bianca, too. But I sat alone, per my request. I knew that this was going to be an emotional undertaking for me, and I preferred to experience it without company. And besides, I knew I’d see them at the after party.
It was an intimate venue, set up for an acoustic performance that I’d been told would be aired live.
Even being in the audience made me nervous. What happened if I sneezed? Would they have to reshoot a song or just kick me out? Just thinking about it made my nose start to tickle.
It was a powerful set they played.
It was rock, there was no denying that, but still they had a soulful, gritty feel that gave the music such an emotional core. It was beautiful. Moving.
They were better than they’d ever been. He was better.
He could still suck the very breath out of the crowd, in fact he was more compelling as a front man than he’d been even before. His voice was better trained and age and discipline had only helped to refine it.
I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I ate up the sight like a flower soaking up the sun.
The song had me tensing from the first note. It was slower than their usual style, with dark, haunting notes that made my breath catch.
He closed his eyes and began to sing. Even his voice, as he sang it, was different, too. So raw, so emotional.
I listened, entranced, and suddenly, in spite of the crowd, it felt like we were the only two people in the world.
Remember when you told me that I was yours and you were mine
Every heartbeat, every breath,
Our love was perfect, our vows were sacred
And, oh sweetheart, you know I tried so hard to tow that line,
But there was a poison in my heart,
And a darkness in my mind
I wasn’t there when you were drowning
Though I’d give my soul to take it back
You had to leave me behind
Looking back, over the years of empty space,
Through the harshest rearview mirror,
Remembering the things I put you through
Now left to wonder, who’s come to take my place
When I looked at you the world dissolved
My poison cured, my darkness light
I never did deserve you, sweetheart
But in your arms my wrongs were solved
My head was lowered, hands clenched, face wet with tears. And somehow, in spite of the agony of it, my body swayed gently to the music, as though it was casting some spell on me, or curing some ill. Therapy via concert. That was a new one.
Though it echoes loudest in my tortured heart
That night was not my only crime
Despite all the ways I failed
I still longed to make things right
Somehow we ran out of time
But there was a poison in my heart,
And a darkness in my mind
I wasn’t there when you were drowning
Though I’d give my soul to take it back
You had to leave me behind
Somewhere, in the great expanse of space,
There is a home where souls reside,
Yours and mine were joined together
I have not moved from that place,
God help me, I’ll never move from that place
But there was a poison in my heart,
And a darkness in my mind