Lovers for a Day

The rumble of the distant tanks did not stop. He completed the shape and laid it to one side on the glass table top. Then he got ready to start another one.

'Doc,' he heard from behind him, '-what are you up to? Why aren't you here with me?'

He started. 'It's a sort of game.' He inserted his fingers into the paper pockets and opened and closed the paper mouth.

Heaven, hell, paradise

where's your soul to go?

Into heaven, into hell

Just like so.

'Where are you now?' she asked.

He listened to the roaring from outside. He thought it was coming closer. When the soldier knocked down the door, he ought to tackle him. But the only weapon he had available was the bottle opener. 'Here,' he replied, 'with you.'

'And what about your soul?'

'I don't know if I have a soul.' When he was small he had believed he had one and that it was immortal, but he had seen too many people die since then, and little had remained of their souls after their brain cells had been eroded by old age or disease. He was going to say something more but she spoke first. 'No, yqu don't have a soul. That's why you're able to do those things so well!'

Yes, that's what he was to her — a means of pleasure. While he happened to be around. Who had been the means when he was away?

'What's hell?' she asked.

He shrugged. He knew she wasn't expecting a serious answer. None the less he said, 'I went to see a play when I was over there. There were these people shut in one room, where they were together all the time. For eternity, you understand — the same people. That was the author's idea of hell.'

'And what's yours?'

'I don't know. I think hell is different things for different people. Hell is being defenceless when someone is pointing a pistol at you and telling you he's doing it because he loves you.

Hell is suffering. Having a bad conscience. Being bored. Listening to lies. Hearing the truth. Losing your freedom. .'

'You're beating about the bush. And how about paradise? Do you know what paradise is, at least?' she asked.

It struck him that paradise was a state of innocence. Being unaware of evil. The absence of fear. He could only think of negative definitions. Paradise was the presence of God, of course, and hence the absence of death. Therefore paradise was a delusion. But there was no sense in saying any of that out loud. So all he said was, 'I would like to be with you entirely one day. And for you to be with me alone.'

'I've been entirely with you today,' she pointed out. 'Do you think I could be with you even more than that?'

'You wouldn't have to leave me for someone else, there would be just the two of us. In a secluded house with a garden.'

'Just a moment ago you were saying that was precisely what that play thought was hell.'

'But it would be possible to leave that house. And have visitors.'

'Yes. And lie out in the garden and sunbathe. In Brazil. Or Spain. Would we have a swimming pool?'

'Why not?'

'Okay. That villa could stand right by the seaside; that would be even better. And in the evenings we'd visit some little tavern or pizzeria. What would we drink?'

'Wine,' he suggested.

'Wine, naturally. But what kind?'

'That would depend on what we were eating. You'd drink the kind of wine that happened to take your fancy.' Then he remembered, 'Do you remember that little hotel by the dam? We were there all on our own and the woman in charge brought us Italian wine wearing a ball gown.'

'No,' she said, shaking her head.

'Ruffino. We drank a whole bottle of it though we weren't able to make love. There wasn't anywhere handy — you had to be home that evening.'

'No,' she said, 'I never remember things that have happened. I expect I had to get home, if you say so. You know I'm married, don't you? But now I'm with you and at this moment I'm ready to drink any old wine. What is the time, anyway?'

'I don't know. It must be fairly late. Perhaps midnight. Can you hear that rumbling? Are those tanks?'

'Is the restaurant closed already?'

'Yes, I expect so. Listen to it, for heaven's sake!'

'You promised me tomato soup!'

'Don't think about it now. It's too late. I haven't eaten today either. Not a thing.'

'But you've got a different stomach, haven't you,' she said. 'It's no consolation to me that you're hungry too. Won't you put on some music, at least?'

He turned the knob. 'They've packed up already. It's late. They've switched it off so that the hotel guests don't disturb each other. Though mind you. .' Someone's attempt to prevent him being disturbed seemed absurd at that moment. In this country. And to the sound of distant engines and caterpillar tracks.

'I'm thirsty,' she said. 'Bring me some water, at least.'

The tiles were still warm and still only the hot water worked. Once more the sound of creeping feet came from the other side of the door. Hell is fear, it struck him. And paradise is the absence of fear, the certainty of safety. The certainty of loyalty. That was why paradise was a delusion.

She drank several gulps of warm water. 'What are you standing there for? Why don't you come here, at least, seeing you

don't want to go anywhere any more? Or don't you love me now?'

'If I didn't love you I wouldn't be here.' And he had a longing, an absurd longing, for certainty, for safety, for her loyalty.

She clung to him. 'And we wanted to go to the cinema,' she said ruefully.

'We will go. We'll go often, you'll see.'

'Do you think so? I don't know that we'll ever go again. But I wanted to go today. Maybe they won't even send you to prison. Maybe you just imagined it all.'

'What did I imagine?'

'The business with that hunchback. You just imagined it. You've got nothing to worry about.'

'He was lame,' he corrected her.

'I'd be more afraid of that guy at reception. He'll tell them you're here if they ask. AU of a sudden there'll be a knock on the door and it'll be them. And I'll cop it along with you!'

'They don't know I'm here.'

'They don't know you're here?' she said in amazement. 'But they put you in the register.'

'I didn't show them my identity card. I borrowed your husband's when I was at your place. They never check the photo, they just want the document. I thought it would be better for you if I didn't sign in under my own name.'

'You borrowed his identity card and didn't even tell me? So I'm actually here with my husband. I've simply been fulfilling my conjugal duties.'

'Are you cross?'

'No. Why should I be?' she said in surprise. 'My only worry is that you won't love me so much if you think I'm just fulfilling my conjugal duties.'

'I love you. Nobody could love you more than I do.'

'That's why you came so far,' she said. 'To prove it. And you registered under his name, so it was actually him who's been showing his prowess. I love you for that.'

'I want you to love me for eternity.'

'"Eternity"? Eternity and really. You always use the funniest words. Isn't it enough that I'm here with you?'

When he woke up it was already getting light. There was someone walking up and down the corridor and it filled him with such terror that beads of sweat stood out on his forehead. He listened to the strange footsteps without moving. They went away and then came back again. Someone was standing guard outside the door. His head ached. Most likely due to the heat and the agitation, not to mention the lack of sleep and hunger, possibly.

She lay next to him, asleep. She hadn't washed last night and make-up was smeared over her eyelids and cheeks and there were droplets of sweat on her forehead. A puffy, smudgy, ordinary woman. She was the reason he'd returned. She was the reason he'd walked into a trap.