'I couldn't say,' he said brusquely 'Soldiers generally sleep with any girl who happens to be willing.'
'So you think soldiers sleep with any girl,' she repeated.
'But she was on formal terms with him,' he recalled. 'I expect they met for the first time down there in the pub.'
She was drawing the curtains. 'He told me he works in films. In "civvy street". As a lighting technician.'
'They all work in films,' he said.
'So you think everyone works in films these days?' Only now did she look around the room. 'It's awfully cold in this room, don't you think?'
'It's a perfectly adequate room for our purposes.'
'What purposes?' she asked.
He didn't reply. He was used to not listening to her, not paying attention to her when he didn't feel like it. He just felt the distance between them.
'Are you cross, darling?' she asked.
'No,' he assured her.
'What shall we do now?' she asked.
'I don't know,' he said. 'I really don't know. I'd say it's too late for the cinema, assuming they've got a cinema here.'
'We ought to do something special,' she suggested. 'Seeing we're on our honeymoon.' She sat down on the bed. 'Tell me something. Tell me something special at least.'
'Once' — this was how he used to start stories to his children — 'when I was your age. .'
'No,' she said, interrupting him, 'that's not what I meant. Do you love me?'
'Yes,' he replied quickly. 'You know I love you more than I've ever loved anyone.'
She said nothing. She leaned back on the pillow and half closed her eyes.
'You're my only and my last love.'
He kissed her. 'Sister of my dreams,' he said. 'Sometimes I used to wake up in the middle of the night and be afraid I'd never meet you.'
'Did you know me already?'
'No, I didn't. I wished for you. I wished for you whenever I walked down the street, whenever I got into my car, whenever I drove through a landscape I found special, nostalgic or even beautiful. And then every time I went into a hotel reception and opened the door of an empty room, every time I caught sight of a couple kissing. And I wished for you most of all when I was coming home in the summer late at night. .'
'Hold on,' she stopped him, 'that's what you always tell me.'
'I've never told you that before!'
'I know, I know. But things like that.'
He said nothing.
Are you cross?' she asked. 'I love it,' she said quickly. 'I love it when you say things like that to me. . It's just that today, seeing as we're on our honeymoon. .'
He said nothing.
'Darling,' she said, 'don't let's stay here. This is the sort of room we're always in. All we can do in it is what we always do.'
'For heaven s sake, 'we're planning to do what we always do, aren't we?'
'Yes. . but today. . today we ought to. .' She went over to the window and drew back the curtain. Against the dark sky loomed the even darker outline of the ruined castle.
3
They could now see the hill and its castle from the other side. The dilapidated battlements were bathed in moonlight and looked majestic and threatening in the night.
He stopped the car and switched off the lights. 'Where to now?' he asked.
The night was chilly and the autumnal grass, leaves and mist gave off a scent that was almost nostalgic. It would have been quite pleasant to walk with her along this footpath through the meadow if he had felt like walking.
'The light here is weird,' she remarked. They were walking along some path that was really no more than trampled grass, his arm round her shoulders. He longed for her and hated her for it.
'Do you remember that night when we were travelling in France?' she asked.
'It was raining,' he said. 'And the path was almost impossible to walk along.'
'Yes. The rain drummed on the roof of the car.' She shivered with cold. Then she started telling a story out of the blue. 'When I was about four years old I used to pretend I had a dog. I took him on walks with a lead, as if he really existed. I would wait while he peed against a tree and I'd always put something from my dinner plate into a bowl for him. I used to make up a bed for him out of a cushion beside my own bed and pretend he was lying there. And every night before I went to sleep I would talk to him. I never gave him a name, I just used to call him "my dog".' She sighed. 'I don't think I ever loved anyone as much as that dog.'
They had reached a wooden hut in the middle of the meadow. From within came the scent of hay.
'Come on, darling,' she said, 'let's make love now.'
He helped her climb up.
The space inside was half filled with hay and the air was stiflingly thick with hay dust.
'Darling,' she whispered, 'do you like it here?'
'I don't care where I am when I'm with you,' he said.
'Yes, I know,' she said, quickly undressing, 'but it couldn't have been in a bedroom today. You're not cross with me because of it, are you?' She pressed herself to him. He put his arms around her. With every movement they sunk deeper into the soft stuff beneath them and the stalks tickled and pricked their naked bodies.
'Darling,' she whispered.
From outside came the sound of footsteps. He raised himself and made out a familiar shape.
'So this is the place, then?' the soldier asked after they had climbed up.
'If you like it here,' the girl whispered. Her face and even her hairstyle were now hidden in the darkness. The soldier had laid his belt aside ceremoniously the moment he arrived as if loath to make any unnecessary movements.
You're so handsome,' the girl whispered.
He seemed to be kissing her. All they could hear were short breaths, drunken wheezing, the sound of groping hands, the crackle of the straw and then the girl's moaning whisper, 'Don't worry about me, don't worry about me, just so long as you're satisfied.'
A few minutes later, as silence suddenly fell, the soldier stood up and tried to read the time from his watch by the light of the moon.
'Do you want to go already?' the girl whispered.
'It's almost midnight,' the soldier said ruefully. 'Why didn't you tell me earlier about this hayloft?' He spat. Maybe it was only to spit out straw from his mouth. He snapped his belt on again and the two of them climbed down into the darkness almost without a sound.
'Darling,' she whispered when they were alone once more, 'do you love me?'
He tried to make out her face in the dark, but it was so indistinct it could have been any face. Moreover, the scent of her body was smothered by the irritating stench of hay.
'No,' he said. And he thought to himself, I hate you. Because you make a game out of what for me is love and because you are my only and final future while for you I am simply a moment that's already passing.
'No,' she repeated after him. 'He doesn't love me.'
He remained silent. If only he were fifteen years younger.
'He simply doesn't love me any more,' she said. 'Why?'
'Because you're. .' but he didn't continue.
'Because I'm a whore?' she asked.
He said nothing.
'So you went off on a honeymoon with a whore?' She cuddled up to him. 'My love,' she kissed him. He held her in his arms.
'At last, at last,' she whispered. 'At last.'
'I love you,' he said. 'I love you madly and I'd give everything, absolutely everything for this moment with you.'
'I know,' she whispered. 'I know. Dog,' she then said quietly 'My dog!'
(1969)
INTIMATE CONVERSATIONS
LONG-DISTANCE CONVERSATIONS
'This is Wellington, New Zealand. Is that Prague? Hold