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"I believe you say you were struck in the face a number of times?"

"Yes."

"And that you were bleeding?"

"Yes."

"And your glasses had been knocked from you?"

In hindsight I wish I had the wherewithal to say, "None of this made me blind."

"Yes," I said.

"Did you seek any medical attention for your injuries?"

"Yes."

"When was that?"

"The same night right after I got back to the dorm, and before I arrived at the police station-I reported to the police. The police brought me to Grouse Irving Memorial Hospital and I went to the lab, where they prescribed medication for my facial cuts."

I would try and stay steady. I would give the facts.

"Were you able to find your glasses on the night of this incident?"

"The police found the glasses-"

He interrupted me.

"You didn't have them when you left the area? You did not leave with your glasses?"

"Right."

"Anything else you remember?"

"No."

I felt hushed by him now. The gloves were off.

"Can you tell me briefly what you were wearing on the night of October fifth?"

Mr. Ryan stood and corrected the date. "May eighth."

"On May eighth," Mr. Meggesto rephrased, "tell me what you were wearing."

"Calvin Klein jeans, blue work shirt, heavy beige cable-knit cardigan sweater, moccasins, and underwear." I hated this question. Knew, even on that stand, what it was all about.

"Was that cardigan sweater one that pulled on or buttoned up the front?"

"Buttons up the front."

"You didn't have to take it over your head to get it off? Is that correct?"

"Right."

I was seething. I had gotten my energy back because what my clothes had to do with why or how I was raped seemed obvious: nothing.

"I believe you testified this individual attempted to disrobe you and, failing that, ordered you to do so?"

"Right, I had a belt on. He couldn't work the belt correctly from the opposite side of me. He said, 'You do it,' so I did."

"This was the belt holding up your Calvin Klein jeans?"

He emphasized "Calvin Klein" with a sneer I was unprepared for. It had come to this.

"Yes."

"He was facing you?"

"Yes."

"Your testimony was he wasn't able to work the clasp, whatever the gimmick was, that closed that belt?"

"Umm-hmm."

"You did it on his orders?"

"Yes."

Now it was his turn to take a point. He questioned me on the rapist's knife. I had seen it only in the photos of the crime scene and in my mind's eye. I admitted to Meggesto that, though the rapist had threatened me and made gestures to retrieve it from his back pocket, because of the struggle on my part, I had never seen it.

"Is it a fair statement to say you were very frightened by all this?" Meggesto asked, moving on.

"Yes."

"When did you first become frightened?"

"As soon as I heard footsteps behind me."

"Did your pulse beat increase?"

"I imagine some, yes," I said. I didn't understand why he was asking me this.

"Do you recall?"

"No, I don't recall if my pulse beat increased."

"Do you recall becoming scared and breathing short and fast?"

"I recall becoming scared, and whatever physical things come from that, I probably had them, but I wasn't hyperventilating or anything like that."

"Do you remember anything else other than being scared?"

"Mental state?" I thought I'd say it since that's what I thought he was driving at.

"No," he said, "I mean physically. Do you remember how your body acted when you were frightened? Did you tremble, increase in pulse rate, have any change in breathing?"

"No, I don't remember any specific changes except for the fact that I was screaming. I did keep telling the rapist that I was going to vomit, because my mother gave me articles that said if you say you are going to vomit, they won't rape you."

"That was a ruse to use on this individual and might scare him off?"

"Yes."

"Did you ever learn the identity of this individual?"

"Exactly what time or-"

"Did you ever learn the identity of this individual?"

"By me, no." I wasn't quite sure of what he was asking. Interpreted him to be asking if I knew Madison's name back in May.

"Well, did you ever see this individual prior to May of 1981?"

"No."

"Did you ever see this individual after May of 1981?"

"Yes, I saw him in October."

"Did you ever see this individual between May and October of 1981?"

"No."

"Never did?"

"No."

"When did you see him after May of 1981?"

I told him of the incident on October 5. I detailed the time, location, and my sighting, at the same time, of the redheaded policeman who had turned out to be Officer Clapper. I told him I had called the police and had come back to the Public Safety Building to give a description of the rapist.

"You gave a description to whom?" he asked.

Mr. Ryan objected. "I think we have gone outside the scope of direct examination," he said. "Anything further would be for a Wade Hearing."

I had no idea what that was. The three men, Mr. Ryan, Mr. Meggesto, and Judge Anderson, debated what had been stipulated prior to the preliminary. They reached an agreement. Mr. Meggesto could continue concerning the arrest of the individual. But the judge warned that he was "going into it"-the issue of identification. The judge's last words recorded in the transcript are "Come on." Even now I hear the fatigue in them. His major motivation, I feel certain, was to wrap it up and get to lunch.

Frantic, because I had not understood the decision or even, frankly, what the hell they had been talking about, I tried to focus back on Mr. Meggesto. Whatever was said, it gave him permission to attack again.

"After you crossed the street and went to Huntington Hall, did you ever see this individual again?"

"No."

"Were you shown any photographs?"

"No." At the time I didn't know that there was no photo lineup in my case because a mug shot of Gregory Madison did not exist.

"Ever taken to a lineup?"

"No."

"You came there and made an identification at the police station?"

"Yes."

"That is after you called your mother?"

"Yes."

"And after that you were informed someone was arrested?"

"I wasn't informed that night. I was informed, I think it was this Thursday morning, by Officer Lorenz."

"So, you didn't know of your own knowledge whether or not the individual that you saw on October fifth was the individual that was arrested?"

"There was no way I could know that unless the police who arrested him-"

"The question is, yes or no, do you know whether or not the individual-"

This time when he cut me off, it made me mad.

"As they described the man, it was the man they arrested-"

"Question is, do you know?"

"I haven't seen him since he was arrested."

"You didn't see him."

"The man I described on the eighth of May and the individual on October fifth is the man that raped me."

"That is your testimony, you believe the man you saw on October fifth-"

"I know the man I saw on October fifth is the man that raped me."

"The man you say is the man who raped you is the same man you saw on October fifth?"

"Right."

"But you don't know whether that man was arrested?"

"Well, I didn't arrest him, how would I know?"

"That is my question-you don't know?"

"All right, I don't know, then." What else could I say? He had proven, very dramatically, that I was not a member of the Syracuse Police Department.

Mr. Meggesto turned to the judge. "I don't think I have anything further," he said.

But he wasn't done. I stayed in the witness stand while the judge listened, and then debated, the point of identification with him. It turned out that Ryan's purpose had been to have Madison in the court, that by Madison's having waived his right to appear, all Ryan now had to prove was that a rape had taken place on May eighth and that I had identified a man I believed to be my assailant. There was confusion. Ryan believed that in Madison waiving his right to appear, Meggesto had forfeited the question of identification. That was not Meggesto's understanding.