He knew he should have done it, but he couldn't.
He couldn't look down into that beautiful battered face and tell her he didn't love her, when he loved her more than life. But he couldn't give her what she deserved either.
«I can't give you the kind of life you deserve.»
«I deserve to have the man I love.»
«I live in the swamp,» he said. «I can't tolerate people. I'm lucky if I get through a day without comin' half unglued. What kind of future can I give you? What do I have to offer you, Serena?»
Her answer was simple and devastating. «Your heart.»
Lucky closed his eyes like a man in pain.
«Don't try to tell me you don't have one. You're just afraid to give it,» Serena said, tears rising again to tighten her throat and sting the backs of her eyes. «I know what it is to be afraid, Lucky,» she whispered.
He shook his head, refusing to look at her, the muscles of his jaw working.
«Yes,» Serena insisted. She stared up at him earnestly, her heart in her eyes. «I know how it feels. I know what it's like to feel it take hold and let it control you. I also know I could help you conquer it-not because I'm a psychologist, but because I'm the woman who loves you.»
«I've got to go,» he muttered, looking away, his face a taut, unreadable mask.
Serena felt futility pull down on her like a weight. He wasn't going to give in. He was going to withdraw into himself and close the door on her as he had countless times in the past few days, and none of the tools of her trade would be able to pry it open. Her love was the only key she had, and Lucky was making it clear not even that would unlock the chains that bound him in his past.
«Hiding isn't the answer, Lucky,» she said sadly. «You're a good man, a strong man, a man with talents. You've got so much to offer if you'll only stop running from who you really are.»
«Let me go, Serena,» he said softly. «You'll be better off.»
She stepped back from him, lifting her chin defiantly as she tried to sniff back her tears. «You think you're doing this for me? Your nobility is sadly misplaced. I don't want it. I want a future with you. We could have so much more than you're willing to give us, Lucky. You let me know when you're ready to accept that. I'll be here waiting.»
Lucky's gaze sharpened on her. «You're not goin' back to Charleston?»
«No.» Serena hadn't been certain of an answer until that very second, but it came out strong and sure, the only decision she could have made. «I'll have to go back to settle my affairs, but that's all. Chanson du Terre is my home. I have responsibilities here, and roots. It's time I faced that and accepted myself for who I am inside instead of who I am in Charleston. I'm all through being a coward. You let me know when you are.»
She gave him one last long look, then started for the door.
A deputy stuck his head in the open doorway. «Hey, Lucky, the boat's here. You ready to go?»
Serena stopped and stood there, waiting to hear his answer as if it were the answer to the question in her heart. The silence dragged on.
«Yeah,» he said at last, his voice soft and heavy. «Let's get outta here.»
CHAPTER 20
«SERENA? IS THAT YOU?» GIFFORD BELLOWED FROM the depths of his study.
Serena paused outside the open door, suitcases in hand. «Yes, Giff, it's me,» she called back wearily.
«Hey, Miz 'Rena,» Pepper called, grinning at her from his position in a leather wing chair. He lifted his coffee cup to her in salute. «Mighty good to have you back.»
«Thanks, Pepper.» She wished she could have said it felt good to be back, but all she felt at the moment was exhausted. She thought she could have just laid down on the old Oriental rug between the two blue tick hounds and slept for a week or three. The hounds looked up at her with woeful expressions. One mustered the ambition to woof softly, then fell over on his side, exhausted from his effort.
Gifford abandoned the blueprints on his desk and strode across the room toward her. He looked as vibrant and healthy and cantankerous as ever. There was a flush of color on his high cheekbones. His eyes gleamed with a fierce intelligence. His white hair was in a state of disarray that told of numerous finger combings.
«Where the hell have you been?» he demanded to know. «You were due back two hours ago. Odille waited supper as long as she could.»
«I'm sorry. My flight was delayed.»
«They don't have telephones up in Charleston?» Gifford said with characteristic sarcasm. He gave her an admonishing glare, took her suitcases away from her, and started down the hall with them.
Serena had all she could do to dredge up the energy to catch up with him. The man was nearly eighty and she thought he could probably work her right into the ground on his worst day. He was amazing.
He stopped at the door to her room and set her luggage down. «You had an old man worried he might have scared you off for good,» he said gruffly as he straightened and looked her in the eye. The glare had softened grudgingly with lights of love and unspoken apology.
«No,» Serena said with a weary smile. «You can't scare me, you old goat. I'm no coward.»
«Damn right you're not.» Gifford's shoulders straightened with pride. «You're a Sheridan, by God.»
He looked at her for a long moment then, and sighed, all the bluster going out of him. He raised his weathered old hands and cupped her shoulders gently. «I'm glad you're back, Serena. I know I pushed and bullied you into it, but you still could have said no in the end. I'm glad you didn't.»
Serena slid her arms around his lean, hard waist and hugged him. What had happened had their relationship and complicated it, but when all that was stripped away, the most important fact remained. «I love you,» she whispered, pulling back. Gifford reddened and looked at his feet, grumbling, uncomfortable with voicing such feelings to a person's face.
«You gonna go after that «big Cajun?» he asked suddenly.
The question took Serena by surprise, hitting her too suddenly for her to give a controlled response. She shook her head and looked at the floor, afraid of what her grandfather might pick up from her unguarded expression.
«What's the matter? He's not good enough for you 'cause he doesn't wear silk suits and read The Wall Street Journal?»
That brought Serena's chin back up. She glared at Gifford, realizing belatedly that he was once again playing her like a finely tuned fiddle. «That's not it and you know it,» she said evenly.
«He's had some rough times, but Lucky's a good man,» Gifford said gruffly.
«I know he is. Maybe someday he'll figure that out for himself. I can't push him into believing it.»
«Do you love him?»
«Yes.»
Gifford frowned, his bushy white brows pulling together in a V of disapproval above his dark eyes. «You want him, but you're not going after him?»
«We're talking about a relationship, not a big-game hunt,» Serena said dryly. «I can't go out in the swamp with a dart gun and bring him back to live in captivity. I can't drag him back here and force him to love me. Lucky has a lot of things from his past he needs to work out for himself. When he does-if he does-then maybe he'll see what we could have together.»
«Well, I hope so.» Gifford's frown softened, and he rubbed his chin. «I sure as hell don't want to think I dumped you on his doorstep just to get your heart broken. I was counting on getting some great-grandchildren out the deal.»