Stunted as it was, Shiner's imagination had no difficulty conjuring a specter of blue-helmeted enemy soldiers poised on an advancing flotilla. He became consumed with the idea that the United States of America might be invaded at any minute, while Bode and Chub were off drinking beer.
Acting against orders, Shiner got the AR-15 out of Chub's mobile home and climbed a trellis to the flimsy roof. There, in his moldy bush hat and new camouflage parka, he waited. And while he couldn't see as far as the Bahama Islands, he had an excellent view of the dirt road and the farm canal.
By land or by sea, Shiner thought, let the fuckers try.
The rifle felt grand in his hands; it took the edge off his nerves. He wondered what types of guns the NATO communists were carrying. Russian, Bode Gazzer had speculated, or North Korean. Shiner decided to swipe one off the first soldier he shot, for a souvenir. Maybe he'd chop off an ear, too he'd heard of such grisly customs during his three weeks in the army, from a drill sergeant who'tl been to Nam. Shiner didn't know what he would do with a severed NATO ear, but he'd surely put it someplace where his Ma wouldn't find it. Same with the guns. Ever since she'd found the Road-Stain Jesus, his mother had been down on guns.
After an hour on the roof, Shiner was overcome by a stabbing hunger. Stealthily he climbed down and foraged in Chub's refrigerator, where he located two leathery slices of pepperoni pizza and a tin of boneless sardines. These Shiner carried back to his sentry post. He forced himself to eat slowly and savor each bite once the invasion began there'd be no more pizza for a long, long time.
On two occasions Shiner fired the AR-15 at suspicious noises. The first turned out to be a clumsy opossum (not an enemy sapper) that knocked over Chub's garbage can, just as the second turned out to be a mud hen (not a scuba-diving commando) splashing in the lily pads.
Better safe than sorry, Shiner thought.
After a while he drifted off, one cheek pressed against the cool stock of the rifle. He dreamed he was back in boot camp, trying to do push-ups while a brawny black sergeant stood over him, calling him a faggot, a pussy, a dickless wonder. In the dream, Shiner wasn't much better at push-ups than he was in real life, so the sergeant's yelling grew louder and louder. Suddenly he drew his sidearm and told Shiner he'd shoot him in the ass if his knees touched the ground once more, which of course happened on the very next push-up. In a rage, the sergeant simultaneously placed a heavy boot on Shiner's back and the gun barrel against Shiner's tremulous buttocks, and fired
At the concussion, Shiner bolted awake, clutching the AR-15 to his chest. Then he heard it again not a gunshot but more like a door slamming. He realized it wasn't part of the dream; it was real. Somebody was out there, in the buzzing night. Maybe it was the NATO soldiers. Maybe what Shiner had heard slamming was the turret door of a Soviet tank.
As they stepped toward the trailer, Bodean Gazzer and Chub were startled by the raw, strung-out cry that came from the roof: "Who goes! Who goes there!"
They were about to answer when the darkness exploded in orange and blue sparks. The spray of automatic rifle fire sent them diving under the pickup truck, where they cursed and cowered and covered their ears until Shiner was done.
Then Chub called out: "It's us, dickface!"
"Us who?" demanded the voice from the roof. "Who goes?"
"Us! Us!"
" 'Dentify you selves!"
Bode Gazzer spoke up: "The White Clarion Aryans. Your brothers."
After a significant pause, they heard: "Aw, fuck. Come on out."
Squirming from beneath the truck, Chub said: "What we got here's one brain-dead skinhead."
"Hush," Bode said. "You hear that?"
"Jesus Willy Christ."
Another car on the dirt road driving away, fast.
Chub groped for his pistol. "What do we do?"
"We chase after the bastards," Bode said, "soon as we get John Wayne Jr. off the roof."
12
Tom Krome's chest tightened when the headlights appeared in the rearview. JoLayne Lucks turned to see. "Just like in the movies," she said. Krome told her to hang on. Without touching the brakes, he guided the car off the farm road, over a dirt berm. They jounced and shimmied to a halt in a stand of thin Australian pines.
"Unlock your door," he said, "but don't get out till I tell you."
They ducked in the front seat, their faces inches apart. They heard the pickup truck coming, the rumble of the oversized tires on the packed dirt.
Out of nowhere, JoLayne said, "I wonder what Martha Stewart would do in a spot like this."
Krome thought: OK, she's delirious.
"Seriously," said JoLayne. "There's a woman who'd be completely useless right about now, unless you were in a hurry for a macrame or a flower box. Ever see ole Martha on TV? Planting those bulbs and bakin' them pies."
Krome said, "Get a grip." He lifted his head to peer out.
"Me, I'm all thumbs when it comes to crafts. A total klutz. However, I canuse a gun "
"Quiet," Krome told her.
" which we happen to have in our possession."
"JoLayne, get ready!"
"A perfectly good shotgun."
In the darkness Krome sensed her edging closer. Her cheek touched his, and he astonished himself by kissing her. No big deal; a light brotherly kiss meant only to calm. That's what he told himself.
JoLayne turned her face but said nothing. The pickup truck was approaching rapidly. Krome felt her arm brush his shoulder, as if she were reaching out for him.
She wasn't. She was going for his car keys, which she adroitly plucked from the ignition. In an instant she flung open her door and rolled out.
"No!" Krome shouted, but JoLayne was already at the trunk. By the time he got there, the Remington was in her hands.
Nearby, the roadbed brightened; insects swirled in the white beams of the truck's lights. Hurriedly Krome pulled JoLayne Lucks behind a pine tree. He wrapped his arms around her, pinning the shotgun awkwardly between them.
"Lemme go," she said.
"You got the safety on?"
"Don't be a jerk, Tom."
"Sshhh."
As the pickup passed, they heard the sound of men's voices raised in excitement. Tom Krome didn't relax his hold on JoLayne until the truck was gone and the night was utterly still.
He said, "That was close."
JoLayne laid the shotgun in the trunk, and not gently. "Macrame, my ass," she said.
Demencio was still basking in the praise of the Reverend Joshua Moody, who before departing had turned to his curious flock and proclaimed:
"In thirty-three years of touring miracles, this is one of the most astounding things I've ever seen!"
He was speaking of the apostolic cooters.
Later, after the Christian pilgrims from West Virginia had keened and swooned and ultimately placed in Trish's wicker collection basket the sum of $211 (not including what was spent on soft drinks, T-shirts, angel food snacks and sunblock), Reverend Moody had pulled Demencio aside: "You gotta tell me exactly where this came from."
"It's like I said."
"Hey, I been doin' this since before you were born." The preacher, arching one of his snowy-white eyebrows. "Come on, son, I won't give it away."
Demencio had coolly stuck to his spiel. "One day the turtles are normal. The next day I look in the aquarium and there's the apostles. All twelve of 'em."
"Sure, sure." With an impatient sigh, Reverend Moody had turned Demencio loose. "Of all the places for a holy apparition on a cooter's shell, I swear to God, boy."
"Not an apparition," Demencio had said coyly, "just a likeness." The concept of using turtles is what had intrigued Reverend Moody how had a mere layman such as Demencio dreamed up something so original? The man simply wouldn't say. So, out of professional courtesy, the preacher had backed off. Amiably he'd pumped Demencio's hand and told him: "You are one brilliant bastard." Then he'd shepherded the pilgrims back onto the bus.