Amidst the warmth and steam I acknowledge that I’m using sex to distract me from the rapidly looming deadline. Agent Walker hasn’t emailed me again yet but it’s coming. It’s only a matter of time. Luke has definitely sensed that something is wrong but he doesn’t seem to want to delve too deeply either.
I think we’re both afraid of upsetting this delicate equilibrium we’ve reached.
Maybe if I get some work done I’ll be in a better frame of mind to come up with a plan. I get out and towel off, then dress in jeans and a T-shirt before sitting down behind my computer. After a while, I get up and put on my headphones. I’m not used to being in the apartment alone and the quiet seems so loud. Luke didn’t say what his appointment was about but he’s been gone for a long time.
Insecurity threatens and I wonder if he’s seeking space from the recent tension between us. Can I really blame him if he is? It’s been a strain on me, too. My feelings for him have me all turned around.
An hour into working on my newest game, I’m immersed in my music when I hear a loud sound. I pull my headphones off and stretch. “Luke?”
There’s no answer.
I save my progress and then close my laptop. When I open the bedroom door, I hear the shower running in the bathroom across the hall. I walk into the kitchen and then stop.
Luke’s laptop is on the counter. And he’s left it logged in.
This is the exact opportunity I’ve been waiting for. His guard is down and he thinks I’m asleep. This could all be over and I could be on the train home to New York first thing in the morning. I’d finally have everything I’ve always wanted most, Grace safe and sound with me. We’d be a family.
My laptop bag is next to the couch. I retrieve the flash drive from the side pocket and then carry it back over to the counter. Luke was looking at Facebook. The page is still open on the screen. His profile picture stares back at me. I drop the flash drive on the table and run my hands over my face.
I can’t do it.
When I started this, I thought it would be so simple. Wipe my legal slate clean and get the thing I want most in the world, custody of Grace. But that’s not the only thing I care about now. I want something for myself, too.
Luke. I want Luke.
The first sob takes me off guard, so much so that it actually startles me. I clap a hand over my mouth to hold it in and it feels like I’m holding back more than just the sound. I’m holding myself together by a string.
Then suddenly, I’m not holding myself together at all. Luke is.
He wraps his arms around me from behind and buries his face in my neck. “I knew you wouldn’t do it. I knew it.”
“Oh god.” I turn in his arms and hold on to his shirt for dear life. He hooks his elbows under my knees and lifts me, carrying me back to the bedroom. I cling to him, feeling like he’s the only thing real and true in the world. He sits on the bed, holding me securely in his arms.
No talking. No questions. Just us.
By the time the tears have run their course, I’m limp and wrung out like a dishrag. That’s about how I feel, anyway.
Finally I lift my head. “How did you know?”
He brushes my hair off my face. “I figured it out a while back. You were being so weird. Hot and then cold. Happy and then sad. I could tell you were conflicted about something. All I had to do was think back to how we met. All roads lead to the FBI.”
“I was conflicted. Tortured.”
“You think I don’t know that?” He chuckles and the sound makes me feel less panicked. I’m not sure how he can be so calm when I feel like I’m in the middle of a tempest. “What did they threaten you with?”
I sigh. “I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. For a while I took any job that paid well. Legal or not. They said all would be forgiven.”
“And?” He raises his eyebrows. “What else? I know you, Sev. You wouldn’t have even been tempted if they just threatened to arrest you. They have to be holding something big over your head for you to have even considered it.”
Is it any wonder I can’t resist him? The man doesn’t miss a thing and he knows me better than anyone.
“Grace. They said my petition for custody of Grace won’t go through if I don’t help them. They promised that they weren’t after you. Just information you might have on your father.”
“I should have known,” he says.
He leans back until he’s flat on the bed, pulling me down with him. I listen to his breathing, the steady rhythm soothing after that wrenching crying jag. Finally my heart rate feels normal again.
“I’m so sorry, Luke.” The words seem so inadequate but they’re all I have to offer. And I mean them with every part of my soul.
“So am I, baby.”
Surprised, I sit up. “What are you sorry for?”
“For not ending this sooner. I could see what it was doing to you, how it was tearing you apart. I should have told you that I knew. That’s what I’m sorry for. Letting you suffer needlessly.”
I shake my head. “I’m the one who lied. You’ve done nothing but listen to me. Take care of me. And this whole time I was plotting to hurt you.”
“Like that day in the park? Why didn’t you do it then?” he challenges.
“Because …. Well, I don’t know.”
He guffaws. “You had plenty of time to do it when I was on the phone that day. Or any one of these days when I was asleep. You’ve seen me type my password so many times you could probably figure it out with a few tries.”
I can see what he’s getting at but I’m not ready to let myself off the hook so easily. This was something I did with my eyes wide open and it was wrong. No amount of sugarcoating can change that.
“I’m a coward, apparently. I was scared of getting caught.”
“You didn’t want to. It’s as simple as that.” He kisses me on the nose.
All my resolve melts like butter. God, he’s so sweet and always in my corner. He has my back even when I don’t deserve it. Who could stay strong when faced with an opponent this cute?
“No, I didn’t want to. I never want to hurt you, Luke. I just want … to love you.”
His eyes glow and he flips us over so he’s on top. My legs fall open naturally to accept him in the cradle of my thighs. He settles against me and I can’t hold back a little moan as he grinds against me. The sound is swallowed up between us when he kisses me.
“Say it again,” he mumbles against my lips.
“I love you, Luke.”
“I love you, too.” He kisses me deeper, entwining our fingers together over our heads. My hand flexes in his as he turns me on deftly with just a few flicks of his tongue.
“Mmm, now that we’ve gotten that established we have to figure out what we’re going to do.”
I wrap my arms around him, pulling him closer. It doesn’t seem real that he shares my feelings. I want to hang on and never let go.
“What can we do? Eventually Agent Walker is going to realize I’m deleting his emails and then I’m sure I’ll be arrested. For real this time. I don’t even know what the FBI has on me.”
“Probably not much but I’m going to give them something to keep them off your back just in case. Where’s that flash drive?”
He pushes up off the bed and extends his hand to help me up. Reluctantly, I take it and then follow him up front to the living room. His laptop is still on the counter. The flash drive is right next to it.
“Whatever they told you to do to my computer, do it.”
I spin around. “What? Luke, no way! I’m not giving them access to your system.”
He covers my mouth with his until my protests turn into soft moans.