Lullaby

Hoping she was right. Not wanting to look at her watch.

'Twenty minutes, anyway,' Karin said.

Christ, that long?.

'I'll give you a word, and you give me the first word that pops into your head, okay?'

'You know,' Eileen said, 'I really don't enjoy playing games. I'm a grown woman.'

'Yes, so am I.'

'So why don't we just skip it, okay?'

'Sure. We can skip the whole damn thing, if you like.'

Eileen looked at her.

'I think we're wasting each other's time,' Karin said flatly. 'You have nothing to say to me, and if you don't say anything, then I can't help you. So maybe we ought to . . .'

'The only help I need . . .'

'Yes, I know. Is quitting the force.'

'Yes.'

'Well, I don't think I can help you do that.'

'Why not?'

'Because I don't think it's what you really want.'

'Then why the hell am I here?'

'You tell me.'

Eileen folded her arms across her chest.

'Here comes the body posture again,' Karin said. 'Look, I really don't think you're ready for this. I don't know why you came to me in the first place ...'

'I told you. Sam Grossman sugg . . .'

'Yes, and you thought it was a good idea. So here you are, and you have nothing to tell me. So why don't we call it a day, huh?'

'You want to quit, huh?'

'Just for now, yes. If you change your mind later . . .'

'Too bad I can't quit just for now, huh?'

'What do you mean?'

'The force. Leaving police work is forever.'

'Why do you say that?'

'Come on, willya?'

'I really don't know why you feel . . .'

'Don't you ever talk to cops? What do you do here? Talk to architects? Bankers? I mean, for Christ's sake, don't you know how cops think?

'How do they think, Eileen? Tell me.'

'If I quit now . . .' She shook her head.

'Yes?'

'Never mind, fuck it.'

'Okay,' Karin said, and looked at her watch. 'We've got fifteen minutes left. Have you seen any good movies lately?'

'I just don't like having to explain the simplest goddamn things to you!'

'Like what?'

'Like what everyone would think if I quit!'

'What would they think?'

'And why it would be impossible to . . .'

'What would they think, Eileen?'

'That I'm scared, goddamn it!'

'Are you?'

'I told you I was, didn't I? How would you like to get raped?'

'I wouldn't.'

'But try to explain that to anyone.'

'Who do you mean?'

'People I've worked with. I've worked with cops all over this city.'

'Men?'

'Women, too.'

'Well, surely the women would understand why you'd be afraid of getting raped again.'

'Some of them might not. You get a certain kind of woman with a gun on her hip, she's sometimes worse than a man.'

'But most women would understand, don't you think?'

'I guess so. Well, Annie would. Annie Rawles. She'd understand.'

'Rape Squad, isn't that what you told me?'

'Annie, yeah. She's terrific'

'So who do you think might not understand? Men?'

'I've never heard of a man getting raped, have you? Except in prison? Most cops haven't been in prison.'

'Then it's cops you're worried about. Men cops. You don't think they'd understand, is that it?'

'You should work with some of these guys,' Eileen said.

'Well, if you quit, you wouldn't have to work with them anymore.'

'And they'd run all over the city saying I couldn't cut it.'

'Is that important to you?'

'I'm a good cop,' Eileen said.

'Was.'

'Well, you haven't quit yet. So you're still a cop.'

'But not a good one.'

'Has anyone said that to you?'

'Not to my face.'

'Do you think anyone has said that behind your back?'

'Who cares?'

'Well, you do, don't you?'

'Not if they think I'm scared.'

'But you are scared. You told me you were scared.'

'I know I am.'

'So what's wrong with that?'

'I'm a cop.'

'Do you think cops aren't scared?'

'Not the way I'm scared.'

'How scared are you, Eileen? Can you tell me?'

She was silent for a long time.

Then she said, 'I have nightmares. Every night.'

'About the rape?'

'Yes. About giving him my gun. He has the knife to my throat, and I give him my gun. Both guns. The thirty-eight and the little backup pistol. The Browning. I give him both guns.'

'Is that what happened in reality?'

'Yes. But he raped me, anyway. I thought . . .'

'Yes?'

'I don't know what I thought. I guess that . . . that if I ... I cooperated, then he ... he wouldn't cut me . . . wouldn't rape me. But he did.'

'Cut you. And raped you.'

'So fucking helpless? Eileen said. 'A cop!'

'What did he look like, do you remember?'

'It was dark.'

'But you saw him, didn't you?'

'And raining. It was raining.'

'But what did he look like?'

'I don't remember. He grabbed me from behind.'

'But surely, when he . . .'

'I don't remember.'

'Did you see him after that night?'

'Yes.'

'When?'

'At the trial'

'What was his name?'

'Arthur Haines. Annie made the collar.'

'Did you identify him at the trial?'

'Yes. But . . .'

'Well, what did he look like?'

'In the dream, he has no face.'

'But while he was raping you, he had a face.'

'Yes.'

'And at the trial, he had a face.'