I remember what happened in Sabine’s room, and her part in everything, how she’s pulled the strings and controlled Dare, and all she cares about is fulfilling some strange Roma prophecy and Finn is supposed to die because I’m supposed to betray him and let it happen.
Dare bursts through the door like I knew he would, and he’s alive.
He’s alive.
“We’ve got to go, Calla,” he says and I go with him this time. There is guilt in his eyes and in his heart, but I don’t care. I go with him anyway. Because he’s a pawn and I’m a pawn, and we’ll be pawns together.
He pulls me to the door and Sabine clings to me and her eyes her eyes they burn me.
“You can’t get away,” she tells us as she falls behind. “The die has been cast. Know this, child. Your brother was meant to die long ago. You were brought into the world on purpose, as a descendent of Judas. You were meant to offer your brother, to betray him. But you haven’t. Over and over, you’ve betrayed the universe instead and saved your brother. Death wants your brother, and you can’t stop it.”
Dare pulls me along, through the halls, and through the dark and his hand is warm and I’m so scared.
“We’re lost,” I tell him, because it seems to be true.
“No, we aren’t,” he argues. “I’d die for you, Cal. I’ll do it.”
But God, my heart pounds at the thought of that.
“I can’t be without you again,” I tell him, and it’s true. And it’s also true that I can’t be without Finn. And Sabine says one of us must die, and that Finn is supposed to be dead already.
“The die has been cast,” I add, and that sounds so bleak.
Because it is.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“I don’t understand how this is happening,” I say as we race through Whitley, through the halls, through the rooms.
“No one does,” Dare says as we burst into Finn’s room. “Romani ways are mysterious. Your mother knew, though. Even though you kept changing things, she knew in the beginning, and she did try to change things by running to America. But it didn’t work. Fate had a plan.”
“I really change things?” I ask, and Finn wakes up and I hold his hand.
“At night, your mind is free,” Dare explains. “That’s what I’ve figured out so far. “You and Finn. Your minds wander in sleep, and for whatever reason, you can change things without even trying, or without knowing how. Something happened to you that night so long ago in Sabine’s room. She tried to sacrifice you, but something went wrong. It must have something to do with Cain and Abel’s blood.”
I think about this. How Finn has died several times, and each time I went to sleep wanting him back. And each time, when I woke he was there.
“We’re stuck in a loop,” Dare says and the words sound crazy, but crazy is my life and it’s the only thing that makes sense. “We’re in a loop, reliving different scenarios until the right one happens. The one where the cycle ends, and Finn is accepted as the sacrifice, because Cain’s sacrifice was rejected so long ago. Sabine can’t affect the changes,” he finishes. “Only you, or Finn. I don’t know why.”
Finn stares at us and he acts like he knows.
“You knew?” I whisper.
“I did,” he answers. “But then I thought I was crazy, because all of the déjà vu and things happened over and over, and my memories didn’t seem real.”
“Maybe we’re all crazy,” I say, and Dare shakes his head.
“No. They think we are, because it doesn’t seem plausible. But we’re not. Sabine knows the truth, but she’s been using their perceptions against us. They’re making people think that we’re sick, that we are insane. But we’re not.”
“What do we do?” I ask and the future seems bleak. “The past is a prison.”
And we’ll never break free.
“We have to stick together,” Dare says, and he’s resolute. “We’ll get this sorted. We’ll figure out what to do. Sabine needs us. We just have to control our dreams. That’s how we spin out of the moment and into another.”
“But how can we control dreams?” Finn asks doubtfully.
It’s an excellent question.
“We’ll have to figure it out,” Dare says, and he’s tired. “My mother died, and I don’t agree with Sabine that it was a mistake. I think things happen for a reason and if we try and change it, that is the mistake.”
I agree.
Dreams aren’t real. They’re only real if we make them that way.
“I need to talk to you,” I tell Dare, and he knows what I need to say. He’s hesitant but he walks with me through the gardens, away from the house, away from people who can hear us.
“You betrayed me,” I tell him and my whisper is broken with sadness.
“I tried to tell you,” he says sadly, and I know I know I know when it was. The night my mother was killed, one of the many times I re-lived that moment. “You tried to tell me, but we spun. It changed.”
Dare nods and his eyes glisten and my heart breaks.
“I love you, Calla. I couldn’t bear to lose you. I thought it was hopeless. Sabine let me believe that it had to be you or Finn, and she convinced me that Finn was already lost. He was supposed to die when he was small.”
He was, I know that’s true. “But I can’t live without him,” I manage to utter, and my words are hot, my eyes are hot.
Dare nods. “I know that now. I know.”
My heart freezes in pain, frozen at the mere thought.
“I’ll die without Finn, Dare.”
“I know. I’ll sacrifice myself. Perhaps that will work.”
“No,” I almost scream, because the panic the panic the panic. “No. I can’t lose you, and they say it has to be Finn. So your sacrifice would be for nothing, just like your mother’s. There has to be another way. I’ll change it in my dreams. We’ll do something.”
“I don’t think that will work,” he says doubtfully. “It’s going to take a sacrifice from Cain’s blood to finally make this stop. You’re not of Cain. You’re of Abel.”
“Please promise me,” I beg, clutching at his shirt. “It won’t be you. It won’t be Finn. We won’t give up.”
He’s wordless as we enter the secret garden,
Our place.
The angels stare at us with empty eyes, and I sag into Dare.
He’s so warm,
So strong, so strong,
So real.
“Is this really happening?” I ask him. “Because sometimes, I can’t tell the difference.”
He tilts my head back with his thumb, lifting my face to the sky. His eyes claim me, stroke me, ignite me.
I fold into his palms,
And he holds me up.
“I’m real,” he says into my hair. “You’re real.”
We’re standing in the moonlight,
There’s no reason to be afraid.
Right?
Dare kisses me and his lips are sunlight. He touches me and his fingers are the moon. It’s night somewhere, and by night we are free.
We come together like the stars,
Beneath the shelter of the gazebo.
Away from sight,
Away from everything.
Just us.
Our skin is hot,
Our mouths are needy.
We are alone.
But for the godforsaken angels.
“The angels scare me,” I whisper to Dare, and I clutch him close.
He holds me tight.
“I know,” he says. “Why is that?”
“I don’t know,” I answer, and it’s the truth. “Maybe it’s their eyes. They see me.”
“I see you,” he reminds me, and his eyes are black.
Black, black,
Black as night.
“Will you always?” I murmur, and his neck tastes like salt. My fingers find his LIVE FREE.
“Yes,” he promises.
“Repromissionem,” I tell him. “It’s Latin.”
“I know.”
That night, I sleep in my room and Finn sleeps with me.
“Have I died in your memories?” he asks me suddenly, just when I’m slipping into sleep. I’m hesitant, but I nod.
“Yeah.”
“More than once?”
“Yeah. How about me… in your memories, I mean?”