"No witnesses," I say, showin' him my teeth.
"I see," the guy sez, lookin' a little nervous, which is one of the customary side effects of my smiles. "Well... lets try it this way ... are you currently wanted by the authorities?"
"No."
"Good... good," he nods, fillin' in that blank on the form in front of him.
"Okay... one final question. Do you know of any reason why you should not be allowed to enlist in the army of Possiltum?"
In the actualities of the situational, I knew of several reasons not to enlist... startin' with the fact that I didn't want to and endin' with the godawful wardrobe that I would be forced to wear as a soldier-type.
"Naw."
"Very well." he sez, pushin' the form across the table at me. "Just sign or make your mark here, please."
"Is that all?" I ask, scribbling' my name in the indicated spot.
"Is that all, sergeant," the joker smiles, pickin' up the paper and blowin' on the signature.
Another reason for not joinin' the army occurs to me.
"Is that all, sergeant?" I sez, bein' careful not to let my annoyance show.
"No. Go to the next tent now and you'll be issued a uniform. Then report back here and you'll be assigned to a group for your training."
'Training?"
This is indeed somethin' what had never occurred to me or Nunzio, and could put a serious crimp in our projected timetable. I mean, how much trainin' does it take to kill people?
"That's right... training," the sergeant sez with a tight-lipped smile.
"There's more to being a soldier than wearing a uniform, you know."
Bein' a survival oriented individual, I refrain from speculatin' out loud as to what this might entail. Fortunately, the sergeant does not seem to expect an answer or additional comment. Rather, he waves me out the door as he turns his attention to the next unfortunate.
"Name?"
"Nunzio."
Now, those of youse what have been followin' dese books all along may be wonderin' just why it is that Nunzio and me is signin' onto Possiltum's army instead of performin' our normal duties of bodyguardin' the Boss... who you probably think of as the Great Skeeve, as you is not employed by him and therefore have no reason to think of him as the Boss.
This confusion is understandable, as this book is happenin' right after the book before the last one, (M.Y.T.H. Inc. Link)... and at the same time as the one before this (Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections). Add to that the fact that this is one of the M.Y.T.H. Inc. volumes, and is therefore bein' told from my viewpoint instead of the Boss's, and it becomes clear why your eyes is perhaps crossed at this point in the narrative. The only consolin' I can offer youse, is that if youse think my life whilst workin' for the Boss is confusin' to read, youse should try livin' it for a month or five!
Actually, to be totally honest with youse, dis book is not startin' where I was the last time you saw me, so let me refer youse back to the meetin' which started us on this particular chain of events...
Chapter One:
"What do you mean my characters talk funny?"
-D. RUNYON
IT IS INDEED a privilege to be included in a war-type council, regardless of what war it is or who in specific is also attendin'. Only the very elite are involved, which is to say those who will be furthest from the actual fightin', as such gatherin's are usually concerned with which portions of one's forces are expendable, and exactly how and when they are to be expended. Since it is demoralizin' for those who are to be dropped into the meat grinder to know they have been chosen as "designated receivers," they are logically excluded from the proceeding, seein' as how if they are made aware of their roles in advance, they are apt to take it on the lam rather than dutifully expiring on schedule, thereby botchin' up many hours of plannin' on both sides of the dispute in question. From this, it is easy to see that attendin' these borin' but necessary plannin' sessions is not only an honor, it greatly improves one's chances of bein' alive at the end of the fracas. To get killed in a battle one has had a hand in settin' the strategies for is an indication that one's plannin' abilities are sorely lackin' and will count heavily against youse when bein' considered for future engagements.
In this particular circumstantial, however, it was no special honor to be included in the plannin' session, as our entire force consisted of a mere five personages ... six if you count the Boss's dragon. Needless to say, none of us was inclined to think of ourselves as fallin' into the "expendable" category. Realizin', however, that we was supposed to be trying to stop a renegade queen with a sizable mob of army-types at her disposal, one was not inclined to make book on our chances for survival... unless, of course, one was offered irresistible odds and maybe a decent point spread.
While there wasn't all that many of us, I, for one, had no complaints with the quality of our troops.
Tananda and Chumley are a sister and brother, Trollop and Troll team. While they are some of the nicest people it has ever been my pleasure to encounter, either of them is also as capable as any five knee-breakers ever employed by the Mob if they find it necessary to be unpleasant. In the Boss's absence, they have taken it on themselves to be the leaders of our expedition ... an arrangement which suits me fine.
You see, my cousin Nunzio and me is far more comfortable takin' orders than givin' them. This is a habit we have acquired workin' for the Mob, where the less you know about why an order is bein' givin', the better off you are ... particularly if at a later point you should be called upon to explain your actions under oath. (For those of youse who have failed to read about our activities in the earlier books in this series and are therefore ignorant as to our identities and modus operandi, our job description refers to us as "collection specialists"... which is a polite way of sayin' we're kneecappers.)
The fifth member of our little strike force is Massha... and if that name alone is not sufficient to summon forth an identifyin' image in your mind, then it is obvious you have not yet met this particular individual in the flesh. You see, Massha has a singularly unique appearance which is unlikely to be mistaken for anyone else, though she might, perhaps, be mistaken for some-thing else... like maybe a dinosaurous if said saurous was bein' used as a travelin' display for a make-up and jewelry trade show. What I am tryin' to say is that Massha is both very big and very colorful, but in the interest of brevity I will spare you the analogous type comparisons. What is important is that as big and as tough as she is, Massha has a heart even bigger than her dress size.
We had been holdin' the start of our meetin' until she got back from droppin' the Boss off on Perv, which she had just done, so now we are ready to commence the proceedin's.
"So you're tellin' me you think King Rodrick was whacked by Queen Hemlock? That's why Skeeve sent you all here?"
This is Big Julie talkin'. While me and Nunzio have never met this particular individual before, we have heard of his reputation from the days when he also worked for the Mob, and it seems he and the Boss are old friends and that he's one of our main sources for information and advice in this dimension. In any case, we are usin' his villa as a combination meetin' point and base of operations for this caper.
"That's right," Tananda sez. "Hemlock's always been big on world conquest, and it looks like her new husband wouldn't go along with her schemes."
"Realizing she now has the combined power of her kingdoms' money and the military might of your old army," Chumley adds, "it occurred to Skeeve that she might be tempted to try to... shall we say, expand her holdings a bit. Anyway, he asked us to pop over and see first hand what was happening."