"It seems your squad is not overly fond of filling out the supply forms required by regulations, sergeant."
"Well, sir, we've been pretty busy tryin' to learn the routine. I guess we've gotten a little behind in our reports."
"'A little behind' hardly describes it," he sez, tightenin' his lips a little. "I can't seem to find a single form from your supply depot since you took over. No matter, though. Fortunately there is sufficient cross-reporting to give me an idea of your progress."
This makes me a little uneasy, as we have figured there would be several rounds of requests and admonishments on our negligent paperwork performance before any attention was paid to the actual performance of our jobs. Still, as I am not totally unaccustomed to havin' to explain my actions to assorted authority figures, I have my alibis ready to go.
"Are you aware, sergeant, that your squad is performing at ninety-five percent efficiency?"
"Ninety-five percent?" I sez, genuinely surprised, as our one-in-ten plan should be yieldin' an even ninety percent.
"I know it sounds high," the officer sez, misunderstandin' my reaction, "especially considering that sixty-five percent is the normal efficiency rating, even for an experienced supply crew. Of course, a practiced eye can read between the lines and get a pretty good idea of what's happening."
"Sir?"
"Take this one shipment, for example," he sez, tappin' one of the sheets in front of him. "It took a shrewd eye with attention to detail to spot that this request for winter weight uniforms was actually several months old, and to realize that substituting summer weight uniforms would be more appropriate."
A small alarm started goin' off in the back of my head, but the officer was still talkin'.
"... or take this item, when you substituted cases of these propaganda leaflets for toilet paper. Everybody's heard about the morale problem of that unit, but it seems you not only had an idea about what to do, you acted on it. It's worked, incidentally ... word is, their esprit de corps is at an all-time high since receiving your shipment."
As he is speakin' I am starin' at the leaflet he has shoved across the desk. Now understand, we had sent this stuff out without openin' the cartons, so this is the first time I am seein' one of the actual leaflets. It features a large picture of Queen Hemlock, who is not a bad lookin' broad normally, but looks particularly good in this picture as she is wearin' little more than a suggestive smile. Underneath the picture in large letters is the question: WOULDN'T YOU RATHER BE ON MY SIDE? Though I do not pretend to be a sociology expert like my cousin Nunzio, I can see where this would perk up a depressed soldier.
"... But I'm getting bogged down in details," the officer is sayin'.
"In addition to your shipping efficiency, are you aware that the turnaround time for an order at your depot is less than a third the time it takes to get an order through any other depot?"
I am startin' to see the direction this interview is goin', and needless to say I am not enthused with it.
"That's mostly Private Bee's doin' sir," I sez, tryin' to get the focus off me. "He's been experimentin' with a new organization system in our warehouse ... as well as a new 'reduced paperwork' trackin' system."
"Private Bee, eh?" the officer sez, makin' a note on his pad. "Tell him I'd like to see him when you get back to your unit. I'd like a bit more information about this experimental system of his ... and speaking of experiments ..."
He looks up at me again.
"I understand you've been using civilian transports for some of your deliveries. Is that another experiment?"
"Yes, sir," I sez.
I figure he'll be upset about this, so I am willin' to take the blame. It seems, however, that once again I have misjudged the situational.
"You know, sergeant," he sez, leanin' back in his chair, "the army considered using civilian transports for the disbursement of supplies, but abandoned the idea as being too expensive. From the look of things, though, you may have just proved them wrong. Of course, you should have cleared it with me before implementing such an experiment, just as it was beyond your authority to authorize Private Bee to change established procedure, but it's hard to argue with your results. Besides, it's a rare thing these days to find a soldier, especially an enlisted man, who's not afraid to show a little initiative."
I experience a sinkin' feelin' in my stomach.
"... And if there's one thing an organization that's growing as fast as ours needs ..."
I close my eyes.
"... it's leadership. That's why it gives me such great pleasure to approve your promotion to lieutenant, and ..."
My eyes snap open.
"Wait a minute!" I sez, forgettin' all about the proper modes of addressin' a superior. "You're makin' me an officer??"
My reaction seems to take the officer by surprise.
"Well ... yes," he sez. "Normally we'd require your attending officers' school, but in this situation ..."
"That does it!" I snarl, losin' my temper completely. "I QUIT!!"
Chapter Eighteen:
"Has anybody got a plan?"
-G.A. CUSTER
To SAY THE least, our reunion with the rest of the M.Y.T.H. Inc. team at Big Julie's was somethin' less than a celebration.
Oh, we are all glad to see each other, and our host is more than generous with the wine from his vineyard, but contrary to popular belief, drinkin' does not necessarily improve one's mood. To my experience, what it does is to amplify whatever mood youse is already in ... so if youse is happy, youse gets very happy, and if youse happens to be depressed, youse gets very depressed ... and the unfortuitous circumstantial was that we was not very happy.
There is no gettin' around the fact that we have failed dismally in our efforts to stop Queen Hemlock, and while we could try to convince ourselves that it was an impossible task for five individuals and a dragon to achieve, this is the first time since we incorporated that we have failed to come through on an assignment. Realizin' that it wasn't a real job, as in one we had been commissioned for, but just a favor for the Boss didn't help much ... as, if anythin', we felt worse about lettin' the Boss down than we would about refundin' a client's fee.
"Did you have much trouble getting out of your enlistment?" Tananda was sayin' after we finish explainin' why we are back.
"Not really," Nunzio sez, refillin' his goblet from a pitcher of Big Julie's wine. "Oh, eventually we had to call in General Badaxe to approve it, but after we told him we were on a special assignment for Skeeve, he signed the papers without asking any more questions. The only problem we had was that they really wanted us to stay ... right. Lieutenant?"
He starts to grin at me, then notices from the look on my face that I am not in a mood to be kidded.
"Fortunately," he continues hastily, "the bait they kept offering was to promote us even higher ... which, to say the least, was a temptation we had no difficulty resisting."
What my cousin is carefully omittin' from his report is that the real problem we had with leavin' wasn't with the army ... it was with our crew. Speakin' for myself, I hadn't realized how much they all meant to me until our discharges had been approved and we was ready to say goodbye. I guess it wasn't until then that it hit me that I'd probably never see any of them again.
"Goodbye, Guido," Spellin' Bee had said, shakin' my hand solemnly. "I really appreciate the help you've given me with my magik. I guess I've been so caught up learning the techniques that I've never stopped to think of all the ways it can actually be applied."