"... And we're his bodyguards who are specifically supposed to eliminate any threats to the Boss's well being," Nunzio snaps back. "While I don't doubt your sincerity or the reliability of your toys, Massha, whackin' somebody takes experience ... and Guido and I are the only ones on the team with experience in that area."
"Aren't you forgetting something, boys?" Tananda purrs, breakin' into the argument.
"What's that, Tananda?"
"While you two may be trained and experienced as generalists in controlled violence, part of my background is specifically as an assassin. By your own logic, then, it looks like the unpleasant task falls to me."
"Not to spoil your fun, little sister," Chumley sez, "but I was rather counting on giving it a go myself."
"You?" Tananda laughs. "Come on, big brother, you've still got your arm in a sling."
"What ... this?" the troll sez, glancin' down at his arm. "It's hardly worth mentioning, really."
He pulls his arm out of the sling and wiggles his fingers, then sets his elbow on the table beside him.
"Do any of you want to try arm wrestling with me? Or will you concede the point?"
"Really, Chumley," Tananda sez, ignorin' the challenge, "just because that thick hide of yours is hard to get through ..."
"... Is the exact reason why I'm the logical choice for the assignment," the troll finishes with a smile.
"... Except for the minor detail of your appearance." Massha adds. "Sorry, Chumley, but you're the last of us I'd figure for the assignment. Any of the rest of us could pass for natives, but you'd stand out like a sore thumb without a disguise spell."
"So I borrow little sister's makeup mirror."
"Not a chance," Tananda sez, stubborn-like.
"... Or I simply borrow a hooded cloak or something for a disguise," Chumley continues smoothly as if she hasn't spoken. "How about it, Big Julie? Have you got anything lying around in an extra-extra large?"
"As a matter of fact," the retired general sez, "I was thinking of doing the job myself."
"What?"
"You?"
"That's ..."
"... BECAUSE," Big Julie continues, silencing us all with the simple technique of raisin' that voice of his to an authoritative level, "because I'm an old man and therefore the most expendable."
We all sink back into our chairs, too embarrassed to look at each other. With these few words, he has gotten to the heart of what was prompting our apparently bloodthirsty argument.
"I've been listening to all of you," he sez, takin' advantage of our uneasy silence, "and what nobody seems to want to say out loud is that trying to assassinate the queen is pretty much a suicide mission. Political leaders ... and particularly royalty ... are the best guarded folks in any nation. Even if you can get to them, which is uncertain at best, the odds of getting away afterward are so small they aren't even worth considering."
He looks around the gatherin'.
"Of course, I don't have to tell you this because you all know it already. That's why each of you is so eager to take the job ... to let the others off the hook by nobly sacrificing yourself. Well, my advice, as your tactical advisor, is to forget the whole thing and go home ... since I don't believe Skeeve ever intended for things to go this far ... or, if you're determined to have the queen killed, then to let me do it. Like I said before, I'm an old man who's doing nothing but idling away my retirement with petty self-indulgences. All of you are contributing more to life, and are therefore more valuable, than I am. Besides," he lets a little grin play across his face, "it might be kinda fun to see a little action just one more time. I never really figured on dying in bed."
"That's sweet of you, Big Julie," Tananda sez, "but it's totally out of the question. Even though you've worked with us as an advisor, you're not really part of the team ... and I'm sure this is one job Skeeve wouldn't want us to subcontract."
"I think we're agreed at least on that," Massha sez, glancin' around our assemblage. "If it's going to be done, it's going to be done by one of us."
"Then you still figure to try for Hemlock?" the ex-general frowns.
"I think," Chumley announces, standin' up and stretchin', "I think that we're all too tired and have been drinking far too much to make a rational decision. I suggest we all retire for now and pick up this discussion in the morning when our heads are clearer."
"You know, that's the first sensible idea I've heard in the last half hour," Tananda sez, stretchin' a bit herself ... which would be fun to watch if I wasn't still thinkin' about the problem at hand.
"Good thinking, Chumley," Nunzio sez.
"Right."
"Sounds good to me."
With everyone in agreement, the party breaks up and we all start to drift off to our rooms.
"Nunzio," I sez, as soon as the others are out of hearin' range. "Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"That we should figure on getting up a little early tomorrow?" he sez.
"... Because if anyone goes for the queen, it's gonna be us," I declare.
"... And if we leave it to the group to decide, someone else might get the job ..." he adds.
"... Whereas if we simply present them with a fait accompli, it'll be too late to argue," I finish. "Right?"
"Right," he answers.
Like I say, though Nunzio and I sometimes have our differences, we work together pretty well when the stakes are high ... which is why we are both smilin' as we wave good night to the others.
Chapter Nineteen:
"We must hurry ... it's almost over!"
-P. FOGG
As I MENTIONED, Nunzio and me have brought along a few accessories on this assignment which we stored at Big Julie's for fear the army might be less than appreciative if we showed up to enlist already equipped ... especially as our personal gear tends to be of a much better quality than that which the army issues.
Bein' true professionals, we spend considerable time sortin' through our travelin' kits for items which would be of specific use for the job at hand. The knuckle dusters, sawed-off pool cues, lead pipes and such we set aside ,...s they would normally be used for much more subtle ventures, and attemptin' to apply them in a fatal manner would be both time-consumin' and messy. Though it broke our hearts, we also decide to leave behind our lolo crossbows. While they are great in an open confrontation, they are a bit bulky to be considered as concealable weapons which counts against them as whatever we use will have to be carried in under the noses of the queen's guards. While these deletions shorten our equipment list somewhat, we are still left with a fair assortment of tools from which to make our final selection.
Nunzio finally settles on a pocket, pistol-grip crossbow and a length of piano wire ... just in case ... while I opt for a blowgun and a nice set of throwin' knives. For those of youse who may be surprised by the latter choice, I would note that while I might not be as good as Snake is, I am still no slouch when it comes to shivs. Unfortunately I cannot provide youse with references to this fact, as those who would be in a position to testify on the degree of my skill from firsthand experience are, un fortuitously, no longer with us ... but I digress.
"You know, Guido," Nunzio sez, startin' to stash his gear in the spiffy civilian clothes we're now wearin' again, "there is one problem with us taking this contract on ourselves."
"What's that?"
"Well, if we get caught afterwards, which as Big Julie points out is a definite possibility if not a probability, then we are again faced with a situation where it looks like the Mob is interfering with the kingdom of Possiltum."