"Then again, her performance may be influenced by her infatuation with Skeeve."
At this, Tananda lashed out with her hand at a signpost we were passing, which took on a noticeable tilt. Though she isn't as strong as yours truly, little sister still packs a wallop... especially when she's mad.
"That's the part that really grinds me," she snarled. "If she thinks she can just waltz in out of left field and take over Skeeve ... I was about to say she'd have to do it over my dead body, but it might give her ideas. I don't really want to have tasters munching on my food before I enjoy it. She's got another think coming, is all I've got to say!"
I gave her my longest innocent stare.
"Why, little sister!" I said. "You sound positively jealous. I had no idea you entertained any romantic designs on Skeeve yourself."
That slowed her pace a tad.
"Well, I don't, really. It's just that... blast it, Chumley, we helped raise Skeeve and make him what he is today. You'd think he could do better than some primping gold digger from Mobdom."
"And just what is he? Hmmm?"
Tananda shot me a look.
"I'm not sure I follow you there, big brother."
"Take a good look at what it is we've raised. Right now Skeeve is one of the hottest, most successful magician/businessmen in the Bazaar. Who exactly do you expect him to take up with for female companionship? Massha? A scullery maid? Maybe one of the vendors or come-on girls?"
"Well, no."
I had a full head of steam now. Tananda and I rarely talk seriously, and when we do it usually involves her dressing me down for some indiscretion or other. I wasn't about to let her slip away on this one.
"Of course Skeeve is going to start drawing attention from some pretty high-powered husband hunters. Whether we like it or not, the lad's growing up ... and others are bound to notice, even if you haven't. In all honesty, little sister, if you met him today for the first time instead of having known him for years, wouldn't you find him a tempting morsel?"
"He's still a little young for me, but I see your point... and I don't tumble for just anybody."
"Since when?" I said, but I said it very quietly.
Tananda gave me a hard look, and for a moment I thought she had heard me.
"To hear you talk," she frowned, "I'd almost think you were in favor of a Bunny/Skeeve match-up."
"Her or somebody like her. Face it, little sister, the lad isn't likely to tie onto some nice, polite, ‘girl-nextdoor' sort with his current life-style . .. and if he managed to, the rest of us would eat her alive in crackerjack time."
Tananda's pace slowed to almost a standstill.
"You mean that hanging around with us is ruining Skeeve's social life? Is that what you're trying to say?"
I wanted to take her by her shoulders and shake her, but even my gentlest shakes can be rather violent and I didn't want to get arrested for an attempted mugging. Instead, I settled for facing her with my sternest expression.
"Now, don't go all maudlin on me. What I'm trying to say is that Skeeve is used to associating with heavy hitters, so it's going to take a tougher-than-average lady fair to be comfortable around him, and vice versa. He'd be miserable with someone like that Luanna person."
"What's wrong with Luanna?"
I shrugged and resumed our stroll, forcing Tananda to keep up.
"Oh, she's pretty enough, I suppose. But she's a smalltime swindler who's so shortsighted she'd sell him out at the first hint of trouble. In short, she'd be an anchor around his neck who would keep him from climbing and potentially drag him down. If we're going to fix the lad up with a swindler, she should at least be a big-league swindler... like, say, a certain someone we know who has the Mob for a dowry."
That at least got a laugh out of Tananda, and I knew we had weathered the storm.
"Chumley, you're incredible! And I thought women were manipulative matchmakers. I never realized it before, but you're a bit of a snob, big brother."
"Think yew," I said in my best clipped accent. "I accept that observation with pride... when I consider the alternatives. I feel everyone would prefer to be snobs if they ever really had the choice."
"Why are we stopping?"
"Well, if we're done deciding Master Skeeve's future for the moment, I believe we have a spot of business to attend to."
She looked where I was pointing and found we were indeed standing in front of a dubious-looking establishment, embellished with a faded sign which proclaimed it to be the Suspended Sentence. The windows that weren't painted over were broken or gone completely, revealing a darkened interior. It might have been an abandoned building if it weren't for the definite sounds of conversation and laughter issuing forth from within.
Tananda started forward, then halted in her tracks.
"Wait a minute, big brother. What did you mean ‘we'?"
"Well, I thought that since I was here, I'd just..."
"Wrong," she said firmly. "This is still my assignment, Chumley, and I'm quite capable of handling it by myself."
"Oh, I wouldn't breathe a word."
"No, you'd just loom over everybody with that snaggletoothed grin of yours and intimidate them into cooperating with me. Well, you can just wait out here while I go in alone. I'll do my own intimidating, if you don't mind."
This was exactly the sort of thing I was afraid of.
"It would be less brutal if I were along," I argued weakly.
"Why, big brother," she said with a wink. "A little brutality never bothered me. I thought you knew that."
Outflanked and outmaneuvered, I had no choice but to lean against the wall and watch as she marched into the tavern.
"Oh, I know, little sister," I sighed. "Believe me, I know."
Though forbidden to take active part in the proceedings, I was understandably curious and kept one ear cocked to try to ascertain what was happening from the sound effects. I didn't have long to wait.
The undercurrent of conversation we had noted earlier ceased abruptly as Tananda made her entrance. A pregnant pause followed, then there was a murmured comment prompting a sharp bark of laughter.
I closed my eyes.
What happened next was so preordained as to be choreographed. I recognized little sister's voice raised in query, answered by another laugh. Then came the unmistakable sound of furniture breaking. No, that's not quite right. Actually, the noise indicated the furniture was being smashed, as in swung quickly and forcefully until an immovable object was encountered... like a head, for example.
The outcries were louder now, ranging from indignation to anger, punctuated by breaking glass and other such cacophonies. Years of hanging around with Tananda had trained my ear, so I amused myself by trying to catalogue the damage by its sound. That was a table going over,... Another chair,... A mirror (wonder how she missed the glasses?),... That was definitely a bone breaking,... Someone's head hitting the bar, the side, I think,... There go the glasses,... A body hurtled through the plate-glass window next to me and bounced once on the sidewalk before coming to a halt in a limp heap... a fairly good-sized one, too.
Unless I was mistaken, little sister was resorting to magic in this brawl or else she wouldn't have gotten that extra bounce on a horizontal throw. Either that or she was really annoyed! I debated whether or not to chide her for breaking our unwritten rules regarding no magic in bar-room brawls, but decided to let it slide. On the off chance that she was simply overly perturbed, such comment would only invite retaliation, and Tananda can be quite a handful even when she isn't steaming.
By this time, the din inside had ceased and an ominous stillness prevailed. I figured it was jolly well time I checked things out, so I edged my way along the wall and peeked through the door.
With the exception of one lonely chair which seemed to have escaped unscathed, the place was a wreck with everything in splinters or tatters. Bodies, limp or moaning, were strewn casually about the wreckage, giving the overall effect of a battlefield after a hard fight... which, of course, it was.