"And there's no aftertaste of the rest of the meal?"
She nodded.
"I'm different now," Rahl prompted her. "That's what you were saying."
"You think you love me. That's obvious, and I can't tell you how flattering it is to have someone as talented and handsome as you are in love with me. But… it won't work out."
Rahl could sense the turmoil within her. What could he say? "I'm not asking that. I'm only telling you what I feel."
"Rahl… I told you I had to spend time as a healer in Hamor. I was in Atla. I can't tell you how unhappy I was. I kept counting the eightdays, and I almost ran to the ship that took me back to Nylan. You… you're strong. I'm not. I know I'm not. I'm not worthy of you." Her eyes were bright in the dimming light of the dining chamber.
"You're more than worthy of anyone. Not feeling comfortable in a strange land when you're young isn't exactly weakness. I didn't feel at all comfortable in Swartheld for the whole time I was first there." He offered a smile. "Besides, you feel something for me."
"I always have." She looked down for a moment. "That doesn't change anything. You won't come back to Nylan, and I can't live in Hamor."
"Healers are always welcome there," he said mildly.
"I don't feel welcome there." Her smile was strained. "Can we leave it at that?"
"Until after the orange cake." Rahl forced a smile.
"You don't deceive any better than I do." An unsteady laugh followed her words.
"I'm not trying to deceive anyone. I couldn't come here and not tell you how I feel. The letter… I didn't want to say too much, or not enough…" He shook his head.
"You said enough."
"Too much?"
Deybri was the one to shake her head. "If you were an engineer here, even a stevedore on the docks, I wouldn't hesitate a moment to consort you."
Rahl could sense the cost of the admission. "But I'm not, and you're not someone who can do things halfway or partway or with an ocean between us."
"No. I can't. I just can't… and I hate myself for that weakness… but I can't."
Rahl considered her words. Her ability to recognize where she was weak was another strength, and held an honesty he had not considered.
Kysant reappeared with two small plates. "Would you like a brandy or something hot, as well?"
Rahl looked to Deybri, catching the slightest shake of her head before replying. "No, thank you."
Neither Rahl nor Deybri said anything as they slowly ate.
"The cake is better than the khouros, I think," Rahl said after finishing the last moist crumbs on his plate.
Deybri smiled. "I think so, too, but Uncle Thorl doesn't. But he's never liked oranges. That might be because his father had an orchard, and Thorl's job was to take care of the spoiled and rotten ones."
"I can see that might give him less liking for oranges," replied Rahl with a laugh.
"That's just the excuse he gives." She paused just slightly. "He does ask if I hear from you. He said you were one of his best students, that you had the gift for languages."
"He has the gift of teaching them."
"He's never asked about anyone else."
"That's because he's never had another student in love with his niece," Rahl answered lightly.
"Please… Rahl. No more. Not now."
"For now. How is Aleasha?"
"She's close to becoming an arms magistra, I think. Before she does, though, she'll have to learn more about order and how it affects weapons."
"Has she started building that house yet?"
"Not so far…"
In the end, the dinner cost three silvers, with a tip, and Rahl felt strange keeping the seven, but he'd return them to Taryl the next day.
He did offer Deybri his arm once they left the restaurant, and she took it, gently. They walked through the early evening, uphill toward her small dwelling. Rahl tried to keep his words away from what he really felt.
"… never realized how small Recluce is… almost as far from just Swartheld to Cigoerne as it is from Land's End to Feyn.. "
Deybri fell silent, and Rahl quickly went on. "I saw my first Kaordist Temple in Swartheld… all the words about twinners suddenly made sense. You know that they have twin spires, one that's twisted and strange… and that's the female one…"
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" She shook her head.
"Men think of women as chaotic everywhere, you think?"
"In most places, from what I've heard and seen."
"I don't."
"You're one of the few," she said dryly.
All too soon, they reached the low stoop before her front door.
Deybri let go of Rahl's arm and stepped back. "I know I must be a disappointment to you. You've crossed an ocean and laid your heart at my feet. But…"
Rahl could sense the unshed tears as he looked at her standing before the doorway… so strong, and yet, in ways, so fragile. "Thank you for this afternoon and tonight." What else could he say? That there would be no one else? That sounded stupid. That without her, life seemed empty. True as it felt, that was almost as bad. He swallowed, then took her hands in his hoping, that she would not mind. "You know how I feel…"
"Rahl… I can't… I can't do this." Tears streamed down her face. "When will I see you again? A year from now? Five? Ten?"
He had no answer to that. Mage-guards, even senior ones, had neither the time nor the coins to make personal voyages across the Eastern Ocean. And-after having seen Tamryn's reaction to his presence-he doubted that he would ever meet the magisters' criteria for returning permanently to Recluce. Yet… how could he leave Deybri?
He wanted to shake his head. He knew she had some feeling for him, more than just some feeling, or she would not be crying, but…
She raised her hand, and her fingers touched the side of his face and then his cheek. "I told you before…"
"You did." His voice was ragged. "But… it didn't help much. Not to forget you. When I was in Luba, even before I remembered who I was, I had dreams of you." He forced a laugh, but the sound was shaky. "I kept hearing and seeing you say that the past had no hold on me, and it was so strange because you were all I could remember of the past."
Abruptly, her arms were around him. "Hold me. Just hold me."
He did.
In the end, that night, it was all he did, except mingle tears with her, before he finally left and walked the long and lonely way back to the Ascadya.
IV
Although Rahl took a long time to fall asleep in the small ship's cabin he had to himself, he did not sleep well and was up close to dawn. He washed up, dressed in his everyday uniform, and made his way to the bridge, to watch as Captain Jaracyn readied the frigate for departure from Nylan. A faint mist lay on the harbor's surface, but it ended only a cubit or so above the water, and there was no sign of fog or mist out in the Gulf of Candar west of the harbor.
As the gangway was hoisted aboard and smoke began to issue from the funnels, Rahl lifted his eyes from the ship and the piers to the black city, lit by the orangish first rays of the sun. The expanses of green between the black-stone roads and buildings seemed more vivid in the early light, and the shadows somehow both darker and more indistinct. From where he stood, he could not see Deybri's small cottage, a dwelling he had never even entered.
He could understand how she felt. His first eightdays in Swartheld had been difficult, and they hadn't gotten any easier for almost a year, no thanks to the magisters in both Land's End and Nylan. In one respect, both sets of Recluce magisters were alike-they didn't want anyone different around, and they didn't want to change their ways.
He pursed his lips, thinking. He hadn't seen that people were that much different in Hamor. So why were the mage-guards more tolerant? Was it because Hamor was so much larger that there were places for different people? Or was it because all mages were closely supervised? Or because there were fewer mages for the number of people, and they were seen as more necessary? Or were they really more tolerant? Was he just seeing what he wanted to see?