That sounded familiar. My dad had told me something similar, although he’d told me to use anyone and anything I had to to survive. “I’ll do what I can,” I said.
“Good,” she said, “I expect you to do so.”
“How much time until the test?”
“It’s four o’clock now. We’ll begin at eight. I think it would be best if you got some sleep.”
“Can I talk to Zayvion?”
“No.” She reached over and took the tray off my lap. “I can send Shamus in, if you’d like.”
“Okay. And I need to make a phone call.”
“We can do that.”
She stood, got halfway to the door.
“Maeve?”
“Yes?”
“What happens if I don’t pass?”
There wasn’t even time for her frown to register before it was replaced by a neutral line. “You’ll be Closed.”
“How Closed? Just my memories of this place? Of the Authority?” What I didn’t say, what I didn’t ask was, Will I forget you and Shamus? Will I forget Zayvion? Will I lose the ability to use magic? I realized my chest hitched at that thought. I didn’t want to lose them. Didn’t want to lose Zayvion. And I didn’t want to lose this life I was living, even though this life was currently kicking my ass.
“Very, very Closed,” she said softly. “You don’t want that to happen, and I don’t want that to happen. You belong here, Allie. You belong with us. And I know you are strong enough to prove me right. I’ll send Shamus in. Then I hope you’ll take my advice and get some sleep.”
“I’ll try,” I said in answer to both her suggestions.
She left. I needed to use the bathroom, so I got out of bed. I was still in my jeans and the tank I’d put on under my sweater, but no boots or socks. My coat draped one corner of the bed and my hat dripped dry on a towel on the dresser top.
I walked across the floor, wood and waxed to a deep shine. My feet hurt. My legs hurt. Everything hurt.
Oh, right. Probably from the Disbursements I’d set. Wondered whether the headache was going to kick in too.
The bathroom was small, clean, and white. The honeysuckle smell was stronger here. I used the facilities and washed my hands. I turned my wrist to see if there was any mark left from the cuff and disk I’d been wearing. There were no marks other than the ribbons of colors on my arm. Nothing to remind me of what it had been like to feel the heartbeats of three people, to feel their emotions, to be part of them. I rubbed my thumb over my wrist, pushing away the sudden loneliness.
Pull yourself together, Beckstrom
, I told myself.
This is no time to get all sappy. People out there were going to try to kill me or Close me. Take my memories away.
I stood there, warm water pouring over hands that had been clean for at least a minute, trying to gather up the guts to look at myself in the mirror.
Stupid, stupid, stupid
, I thought.
Just look. See what you’ve become. What you are. You can do it. You’ve done it before.
I bit the inside of my cheek and forced myself to look up.
For once, I didn’t look as bad as I felt. No bruises, no strange burned circles on my face. My eyes were a little dilated, and pale, pale green. The only person looking back at me through my eyes was me.
Maybe Jingo Jingo was right. Maybe my dad was gone.
Or maybe he was just very, very tired.
Yeah, that made two of us.
I turned off the water and walked out of the bathroom. Got all the way back to bed and under the covers before the knock on the door.
“Come in.”
Shamus breezed into the room like he’d spent the day strolling through the Rose Gardens.
“You wanted to see me?”
“Are you okay?”
He paused and gave me a strange look before continuing on over to the chair Jingo Jingo had sat in. He dragged it away from the wall, over to the side of my bed.
“Am I okay? You’re the one in bed, trying to shake off a Paralyze spell in time for the test of your life. I’d say of the two of us, I’m gold.” He flopped down into the chair and stuck his feet on the bed frame.
So that’s what Chase threw at me. I hoped she Proxied her own spells and was barfing from the pain.
“Honestly.” I gave him a serious look.
He smiled. “I don’t think you and I are close enough for
that
much honesty. You’ll just have to trust that I’m fine enough.”
“That’s fair,” I said. “How is Tomi doing?”
“The bait? She’s had a bad time of it. We did what we could to take away the memories. Someone’s staying with her to help her heal. There’s a cover story about a hell of a bender, drugs, too much cutting. Blood magic. Bad crowd. That kind of thing. Not all that unusual for a Hound, eh?”
“No,” I said. The sudden reality of what being a Closer really meant sent shivers down my back. How many times had I woken up not remembering? How many times had I blamed it on drugs, booze, magic? Was there something else I should have blamed it on? Someone else? Closers. Chase? Zayvion?
“You Close Hounds?” I asked.
Shamus tipped his head to one side. “Don’t tell me this is the first time you figured that out.”
“Yes. How often do you Close Hounds? Whom do you Close? Have you Closed me? Have you taken my memories?”
Shamus held up one hand, his black fingerless gloves making his fingers look ghostly pale. “
I
don’t Close anyone.
I
am not a Closer. Death magic, remember?”
“Who?” I demanded. “Who Closed me?”
“Listen, love,” Shamus said with a hard smile. “I don’t know how to break this to you, but I have no fucking idea. You weren’t even on my radar until a couple months ago when Zayvion went head over shit kickers for you. Well, I did harbor a bit of hate for you, seeing that your da killed my da. Other than that though, I didn’t care you were alive, much less who might be Closing you.”
I just sat there and blinked. It was cold water to the face. These people-Shamus, Maeve, Zayvion-did things to people, made choices without the advice of law or courts. They had probably done things to me.
“Scary, ain’t it?” Shamus asked when I was quiet a little too long. “This secret magic shit is crazy stuff. The things we can do to try to keep people and society safe. Most all of it is in good intention too; that’s honest. If it helps any, I can ask around. You’ll be on the files if you’ve been Closed. I can’t access the files on that, but I can talk to Victor about it. See if he’ll release some information.”
“Do they ever tell someone if they’ve been Closed?” I finally asked.
“Tell someone? Darlin’, haven’t you been paying attention? We can do anything. Tell you if you’ve been Closed. When and where and why. Or-this is a possibility-give you back your memories if the person who Closed you is willing. It’s not so easy as clicking your heels and everything snaps back into place, but it happens.
“You won’t believe this, but sometimes people want to leave the Authority, and so their time here is Closed. Then sometimes they wander back, and their memories are Opened. Just like new.” He stuck out one hand and made the so-so motion. “More or less.”
“Is that your pep talk?” I asked.
“Not mine so much, no. Standard-issue. Drag it out whenever the situation calls for it. Did it work?”
I rubbed at my eyes and tried to let go of my anger and fear. If they had Closed me, I’d find out. First, I had to survive the test. I pulled my hands away from my face. “Let’s pretend it did,” I said. “So Chase pushed to get me tested tonight?”