I kept going back to my conversation with Terri. What would motivate someone to preach so strongly against an issue like gay marriage? What would motivate someone to protest, to bomb a party? I knew how tough it was to live in the closet-yet despite all my angst I’d never chosen to take out my frustration on anyone else. I’d beaten myself up instead.
I rode out Kahala Avenue for a while, then circled back on the mauka, or mountain, side of Diamond Head Road. Heading homeward through Kapahulu I pushed myself hard, as if I could sweat away my worries and fears, and all the guilt I felt over what had happened to people I loved.
WORKING WITH MIKE
I was feeling so good on my bike that I instead of returning home, I kept going through Waikiki, all the way to The Queen’s Medical Center. By the time I got there, both my brothers and their families were there, standing down in the courtyard waving up at my mom and dad, who were looking out the window at them and waving back. My nieces and nephews were holding up cards with big words printed on them, obviously a group effort. Only Jeffrey and Ashley were feuding, and wouldn’t stand next to each other, and nobody had thought to change the cards they were holding. So the message my parents saw was “Get soon Tutu Al well.”
After a lot of kissing and hugging and so on, my sisters-in-law bundled the kids away to go to McDonald’s, and my brothers went upstairs with me. It struck me that I had done a lot of kissing and hugging in the recent past, under very different circumstances. I wondered if my relationship with Mike would last, if I would ever feel as close to him as I did to Lui and Haoa.
“The doctor was here again, and he says your father can go home tomorrow,” my mother said, when we came in.
“He gets a cut, you know,” my father grumbled. “These doctors and these hospitals, they all work together. For every day he keeps me here, the hospital gives him money.”
With a straight face, Lui said, “Wow, that’s interesting, Dad. I’ll have to get a reporter on that story.”
I couldn’t look at either of my brothers because I was afraid I’d burst out laughing. My father is the most upright businessman I’ve ever come across; despite the graft that’s often rampant in the construction business, he’s always been a hundred percent honest. That didn’t stop him from accusing everyone else around him, though.
It was kind of strange, hanging out with my entire nuclear family. Usually when I see my parents, either I’m alone with them, or at least one of my brothers and his family is there. The last time I could remember the five of us together was right after I’d come out, when I’d been hiding at home, and both Haoa and Lui had come home as well, as a result of various problems.
With my father sitting up in bed, my mother in the chair next to him, and the three of us ranged against the wall like suspects at a lineup, we talked, we boys trying to get our father to promise to take better care of his health.
I kept looking at my watch. I wanted to call Mike Riccardi, just to check in with him, but I wasn’t going to use the phone by my dad’s bedside, and I’d left my cell phone at home when I’d gone out for my bike ride.
“We holding you up?” Haoa asked. “You got some place you need to be?”
“Little brother’s busy,” Lui said. “Don’t you watch the TV news?”
“Little brother’s bigger than you are,” I said to him.
“Not bigger than I am,” Haoa said.
“You know, they’ve got this thing called Weight Watchers,” I said. “If you’re at all concerned about being so big.”
“Boys!” my mother said. “Ai ya! When will you ever grow up?”
The three of us burst out laughing. “Never, as long as you and Dad are around to keep us in line, Ma,” Haoa said.
“Speak for yourself,” Lui said. His cell phone tweedled, and he flipped it open. “Yes, sweetheart. We’re almost done here. Be there soon.” He closed the phone and glared at me and Haoa, daring us to say anything. We didn’t.
A woman in a blue smock delivered my father’s dinner tray, and after another round of kissing, the three of us left. “You want McDonald’s?” Lui asked as we waited for the elevator. “Fun time in the play zone with all your nieces and nephews.”
Haoa said, “You’ve been married too long, brah. Can’t you tell? Kimo’s got a date.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but Haoa said, “You can’t fool me, brah. I know that look, when you keep looking at your watch that way. It’s not some crime scene that’s calling to you.”
“I don’t have a date,” I said. We stepped into the elevator, and both my brothers looked at me. “I just want to make a phone call.”
“To make a date,” Haoa said triumphantly.
“It’s not like that,” I said, aware that I probably ought to just shut up. “He’s a fire investigator. We’re working on the bombing case together.”
“And you need to check with him on Sunday night?” Lui asked. “Have you got a lead?”
Haoa said, “Lui, you are dumber than dirt. Didn’t you ever say you and a girl were ‘studying’ together?” He waggled his fingers around the word studying, making the quotation marks in the air. “Kimo’s ‘working’ on the case with this guy.”
I must have blushed, because both my brothers started laughing as the elevator doors opened on the ground level. “Have fun, brah,” Haoa called as he and Lui turned toward the garage, and I walked over to where I’d parked and locked my bike. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Lui laughed, and then Haoa said, “Wait, check that.”
I laughed for the first couple of blocks back toward Waikiki. When I got home, Mike Riccardi’s truck was parked in front of my building, and he was sitting in the front seat listening to the UH volleyball game on the radio. “Bump, set, spike!” I heard the announcer exclaim.
“Hey, who’s winning?” I asked, coming up to his open window. He was wearing an aloha shirt and board shorts and looked handsome enough to be on a calendar.
“Does love always have to be a game to you?” he asked. “Is one of us always going to be the winner and one the loser?” I had to look closely before I saw the edges of a grin spreading on his face.
“What a goof. So, what’re you doing here?”
“You want to go for a ride?”
“I’ve just been,” I said, pointing to my bike. “I need a shower now. Want to come upstairs?”
“Sure.” I wanted to hug and kiss him right there in the street, in front of all my neighbors and the tourists in their rental cars and the birds in the trees, but I didn’t. I locked my bike in the rack and led him up to my apartment. I’d barely gotten the lock open when his arms were around me and we were kissing and squeezing each other.
“God, I missed you,” he said, breathing into my neck. “You don’t know how much I wanted to go out with you last night.”
“I know. Remember, if I could, I’d still have at least one foot in the closet. I may be out to the world, but in my heart I’m still figuring a few things out.” I pushed away from him a little. “I’m all scuzzy and sweaty. Let me jump in the shower for a minute.”
He lifted an arm to sniff his pit. “I could probably use a little cleanliness myself.” There was that grin again, spreading across his face. It must have been contagious, because I could feel it spreading across mine, too. I started unbuttoning his shirt.
We left a trail of clothes on the floor from the front door to the shower, the two of us finally naked as we stepped inside it. I turned the water on high and stood there in the hot, steamy spray, my body pressed against his, kissing him, sucking on his lips, his hard dick pressed against mine. He kneaded my shoulders and I thought I might dissolve there in the water, swirl away down the drain in a flood of lust and ecstasy.
We lathered each other up, rubbing the soap all over our bodies. It was like a scene from some X-rated video except that more of the pleasure seemed to be coming from my heart than my groin. Not to say that part wasn’t terrific; considering that neither of us had that much experience at gay sex we managed just fine. But I didn’t just want to suck him because he had a dick; I wanted to suck him because he was Mike, this guy I really liked, and I wanted to give him the same pleasure I got from just being with him.