"People are so sarcastic these days," said Lady Diana twitchily. "Don't you find them so? Even people you don't expect to be sarcastic, like policemen. Do you know what a policeman said to me the other day,by St. James's Park?"
"No," said "Walter". "What?"
Dick glanced uncomfortably across at the "chiropractor" and then back to Lady Diana.
"I think I've c-come at an aw, at an aw, at an awkward moment," he said. He replaced his cap on his head and tugged the peak to straighten it.
"You're not going!" cried Lady Diana. "But why? You don't think that Walter and I were—well, you don't think that Walter and I—"
"I just think I've c-come at an," said Dick. And then, while both Lady Diana and "Walter" stared at him with furrowed and melodramatic expressions, he said, "awkward moment."
Lady Diana hesitated for a second or two, trying to decide whether to storm off into her bedroom, burst into tears, or fling herself down on the couch in frustration and despair. It didn't take her long to decide to fling herself down on the couch in frustration and despair.
"You're like all the rest of them, aren't you, Dick? A reputation counts for so much. You believe what people have told you about me, rather than what you've seen for yourself. Well, if that's the way you want it, who cares? I've still got the rest of the night to get drunk. Perhaps I'll throw myself off the ship."
"You c-can't d-do that," said Dick.
"And why not?"
"It's against c-company regulations. No d-diving off the side. No j-jettisoning of r-rubbish."
"So that's what I am? Rubbish? Rubbish that can't even throw itself away because of company regulations? Walter, I feel a twinge coming on. Walter, stand near me!"
"Walter" sighed, and took one or two reluctant steps in Lady Diana's direction. She threw him a poisonous little sidelong glance as he continued to wrestle with his collar stud. "God, you can't even trust your own chiropodist."
"I thought he was a chiropractor," said Dick. He felt stifled by something that could have been nasal congestion, but felt more like jealousy.
"My dear, they're almost the same thing," said Lady Diana distractedly. "But really if you want to go, go. I don't care what you think of me."
"As a m-matter of fact I think very huh, very huh, very highly of you," said Dick.
"Highly?" asked "Walter", as if it were one of those fashionable new slang words like "darb".
"Yes, Walter," said Lady Diana. "Some people do. Poor Dicky, have I misjudged you? Have I been mean?"
"W-when I t-talked about the rubbish, I was only quoting a r-regulation," Dick told her. He took off his cap again and tucked it under his arm. "I didn't mean to suh, to suh, to suggest that—"
"Walter" grimaced as he inserted his last stud and reached for his necktie. "That's all settled, then, is it?" he asked Lady Diana. "I can go now?"
"Yes, dear, I suppose so," said Lady Diana. "I'll see you tomorrow, shall I, for the usual treatment?"
"Hmph," said "Walter". He shook on his jacket, arranged his triangular white display of handkerchief in his breast pocket, and then marched out of the cabin without even saving goodbye.
"Extraordinary chap," remarked Dick as the door closed behind him.
"Yes," agreed Lady Diana in a tired voice. "I like to think so."
Dick sat down on the corner of the couch, his cap on his knees. "How long have you had t-treatment from him?"
"Treatment? Oh, years. Years and years and years. Would you mix me another Boopa-Doopa, there's a good boy."
Dick took her glass and went to the cocktail cabinet. He sniffed at the dregs of what she had been drinking, and frowned at himself in the pink-tinted mirror at the back of the cabinet, engraved with leaves. "I'm n-not entirely s-sure what a Boo, what a Boo—"
"Ice, gin, blue curacao, bitters, and a cherry, my pet."
"Sounds absolutely revolting."
"Well, it is. But to drink anything at two o'clock in the morning is revolting, so why not go the whole hog?"
"L-listen," said Dick, as he stirred up a Boopa-Doopa with a swizzle stick, and mixed himself a very strong gin and French, "I w-want you to know that what happened last n-night was—w-well, it wasn't my n-normal sort of thing."
"I would never have guessed," Lady Diana told him. "You're an absolute natural."
"B-but it c-can't lead anywhere," said Dick. "I m-mean, once we've got to New York..."
"Do you want it to lead anywhere?" asked Lady Diana. She sounded surprised.
"It depends what you mean by l-lead," said Dick uncertainly. He gave her his amateur version of a Boopa-Doopa, which she peered at closely, sipped once, and then put down carefully on her small side table, as if it were a mixture of Pepto-Bismol and hemlock.
"You don't want us to be lovers, do you?" asked Lady Diana. "I mean, we can't be lovers."
"I thought perhaps we were already," Dick told her. "If that wasn't acting like luh, like luh, like lovers, what we did last night, well..."
She leaned forward and kissed him on the nose. "You're so sweet! Your incoherence excites me beyond all bounds! A stuttering swain!"
"You d-don't have to be rude about it."
"But I do, my darling. You have to learn to live with it! After all, you'll be living with it long after we've waved goodbye."
"I'm not sure I want to w-wave goodbye."
Lady Diana's eyes widened. "You're not—stuck on me, are you?"
Dick looked down at his cap badge. "A little," he admitted.
"But after this morning, I couldn't possibly imagine that you'd take me seriously."
"I d-didn't, at fir—At first," said Dick. He swallowed a large mouthful of gin and wiped his mouth with the back of his fingers. "But you're n-not like the others, are you?"
"I'm sorry, dear," said Lady Diana. "I was only half-listening. I'm not like the other what?"
"W-well, the other women."
"Oh, I see. And that's why you acted so jealous when you came in?"
"J-jealous?"
"Aren't you jealous?"
"I suppose I am."
"God, I can't stand jealous men. What on earth gives you, a stuttering steamship officer, the right to be jealous of me? I've been adored by earls, by princes, by peers. I've even been proposed to by a nizam. Do you know what a nizam is?"
"Some k-kind of Indian chappie, I should think."
"My God. You're so ignorant. How could I take you to Ascot?"
"Ascot's g-going to be over by the t-t-time we g-get back to—"
Lady Diana held on to his protuberant ears and kissed him all over his face— dozens of little kisses, like forget-me-nots, so that he could scarcely breathe.
"Oh, Dicky, you're such a wonderful sort! But don't take me too seriously. I've seen too much, and loved too much, and all I want is a few days of fun. Life's so short on fun these days, don't you think so? And this is my chance, four days on the good ship Arcadia. Wooed and seduced by the wonderful Dicky Charles."
Dick clinked the ice in his gin and French and looked abashed. "It's nice of you to say so," he said.
Lady Diana lifted her drink, peered at it dubiously, and then put it down again. "I was going to say that I'll drink to that," she said, more to herself than to Dick.
"W-well, I'll drink to it," said Dick, and tipped back his gin and in one long swallow.
Lady Diana stood up, reached behind her, and released the thin ribbon which held her negligee together. She only had to shake her shoulders once and it dropped down to her hips, revealing her long dimpled back, with the pattern of moles on the left shoulder blade, just where Dick remembered them from last night.