Raising fish had been Leo Haig’s only way to make a living, but it had not been his only interest. He has what is probably the largest library of mystery and detective fiction in the world. I think he has just about everything ever written on the subject. The Nero Wolfe novels, from Fer-De-Lance to the latest one, are all in hard cover; after he received his inheritance he had them all rebound in hand-tooled leather. He’s been reading all of these things since he was a kid, and he remembers what he reads. I mean, he can tell you not only the plot, but the names of all the characters in some Ngaio Marsh mystery that he read fifteen years ago. It’s pretty impressive, let me tell you.
The house is pretty impressive, too, and he has emphasized that he wants me to write about the house, but I’ll wait until I come to the part about going there and then I’ll describe it for you. I’ll just say now that he picked it when he had collected his inheritance and started to set up shop as a detective. He moved in with his books and fish tanks, he managed to get a license as a private investigator, he listed himself in the Yellow Pages, and he sat back and waited for the world to discover him. The trouble is that he’s too rich and he’s not rich enough. If he had more money, like a couple of million, it wouldn’t matter if he ever worked or not. If he had less money, like nothing substantial in the checking account, it would mean that he’d have to take the few cases that come his way. But he’s got just enough money to let him maintain high standards. He won’t touch divorce work, for example. He won’t do any sort of snooping that requires electronic gear, which he regards as the handtools of the devil. And he won’t accept anything routine. What he wants, really, is to handle nothing but baffling murder cases that he can solve through the exercise of his incredible brain, with the faithful Chip Harrison doing the legwork and writing up everything afterwards.
I know his secret hope. Someday, if he makes enough of a name for himself, if he keeps his standards high, develops just the right sort of eccentricities and idiosyncrasies, possibly someday Nero Wolfe will invite him over to the louse on 35th Street for dinner.
That’s really what he lives for.
I suppose my civic duty called on me to phone the police as soon as I discovered Melanie’s body. I’m glad I didn’t let my civic duty interfere with my instinct for self preservation, because it turned out that Detective Gregorio took my towel bar off the wall and checked it out to see if I had drugs stashed in it. That was just about the first place he looked. I’m never keeping anything incriminating in there again, believe me. Pick a place that you figure is the last place the police would think of looking, and that’s the first place they think of looking. It’s the damnedest thing.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. What happened was, I went back to Melanie’s place, figuring it was possible that the police had already found her without my help, but they hadn’t. I had left a book on the floor so that it would be moved if anybody pushed the door more than a third of the way open, and it was still in its original position, so it seemed unlikely anybody had been in the apartment since I’d left it.
I went on inside, and I had an irrational hope that I had been somehow mistaken and Melanie would turn out to be alive after all, which is pretty stupid to write down and all, but impossible to avoid wishing at the time. Of course she was still there, and of course she was dead, and of course I felt sick all over again, but instead of throwing up any more I went into the living room and called 911. The person who picked up the phone put me on HOLD before I had a chance to say anything, which would have! been aggravating if I’d been bleeding to death or some; thing, but then a couple of seconds later a cop came on the line and I gave him the story. They were fast enough after that. It was 5:18 when I placed the call and the first two patrolmen arrived at 5:31. You would have thought it would take them almost that long to climb the stairs. They spent most of their time walking around and opening drawers and telling me not to touch anything. They were basically waiting for the detectives but they didn’t want to look as though they were waiting for the detectives, so they asked me a lot of boring questions and sneaked a lot of peeks at Melanie’s body. This seemed very disrespectful to me, but I didn’t think they would care to hear my feelings on the matter so I kept them to myself.
The detectives got there before very long and took over. There was Detective Gregorio, whom I mentioned before, and his partner Detective Seidenwall. Gregorio is tall and dark and handsome, and he has one of those twenty-dollar haircuts, and he didn’t like me much. Seidenwall is older, say fifty, and his name is easy to remember because he looks like the side of a wall, and he didn’t like me at all.
They both seemed to despise me, to tell you the truth.
The trouble started with my name. They said they wanted a full name, not a nickname, and I explained that Chip was my legal first name, and eventually I had to show identification to prove it. They wanted to know what I was doing in Melanie’s apartment and I said she was a friend and had invited me to stop in after work.
“Oh, you work, huh?” said Seidenwall.
“I work for Leo Haig. The detective.”
“You mean some kind of a private cop? You on some kind of a case?”
“No. Melanie was my friend.”
“Uh-huh. You a junkie too?”
“Of course not.”
“Roll up your sleeves, punk.”
This struck me as silly, since I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt, but I rolled up what little sleeves I had. Gregorio got a little suspicious over a mosquito bite, but turned his attention to other things. He and Seidenwall asked me approximately seven million questions, many of them consisting of the same ones over again. How long had Melanie been a junkie? How long had I been sleeping with her? Had she died right away, or was it gradual?
This last question was a trap, of course. There were a lot of questions like this, designed to trick me into admitting I had been with her when she died. There were other trick questions, geared to establish that I had sold the heroin to her. They seemed to take it for granted that it was heroin, and she had died of an overdose of it.
The questions went on for a while. They probably would have asked me fewer questions if they hadn’t hated me on sight, and they would have gone on hassling me longer except they were bored with the whole thing. It was all pretty obvious to them. Melanie had overdosed herself with heroin and that was why she was dead. When I pointed out that she had never to my knowledge been a drug addict, had never used a needle, they nodded without much enthusiasm and said that made an OD that much more likely. She wouldn’t know about the proper dose, for one thing. And she would have had no time to build up a gradual tolerance to the drug. Finally, some people go into something called anaphylactic shock the first time they try certain substances. Penicillin, for some people. Or a bee sting, or heroin.
Anyway, she was dead, and as far as they were concerned it was an accidental drug-related homicide, and they got too many of them to be terribly interested in each; new one that came along. So they asked me all their questions and took a short statement from me, and then they asked me for permission to accompany me to my own residence and search the premises, and of course I could have refused because they didn’t have a warrant. But they already hated me enough for one day, I figured, and besides I had thrown away not only the illegal marijuana but the legal codeine tablets, so in a way I was almost glad they wanted to search my room. I mean, I’d have felt a little foolish if I had gone through all of that for nothing.
Gregorio and Seidenwall seemed unhappy when they didn’t find anything. They held a whispered conversation by the bathroom door, and I caught enough of it to get an idea what it was about. Seidenwall wanted to plant some drugs so they would have an excuse to arrest me. Gregorio talked him out of it, not out of fondness for me, but because he felt I wasn’t worth the trouble.