Plucking a purple marker from my purse, I handed it to her and nodded toward the whiteboard. ″Go ahead and put your name up,″ I said.
Lainey′s head of steam seemed to evaporate.
″Fine, then,″ she said with a toss of her head. ″Thanks so much, Kate.″
Marching over to the board, she crossed Frank′s name off my story. She used the marker to write in his name next to hers, then did a victory march to her cubicle. Thankfully her desk was on the opposite end of the newsroom from mine.
Nearby, I heard the irritable slap of a newspaper against a desk. That meant that Tucker, the weekend producer, had arrived for work.
I knew that Tucker was no fan of Lainey′s because of the way she threw fits every time she had to do any work that didn′t feature her mug on camera. This seemed like an auspicious moment to bid him a casual good morning.
″Hey, Tucker,″ I said, lowering my voice. ″Just FYI, we need to find a new videographer for my diet story installment today. Lainey said she needs Frank to work with her all afternoon.″
″Oh, she did, did she?″ Tucker scanned the whiteboard with an irritated look. ″Hmph.″
Reaching for an eraser, he added, ″Certain people need to learn that management makes the assignments, not reporters.″
He paused midswipe. ″Who the hell used purple marker on the whiteboard? Permanent marker?″ he bellowed. ″Lanston!″
The reporters who′d been idling around the newsroom dove for cover.
Slowly, above the cubicle line, Lainey′s streaked updo rose into view. Underneath her airbrushed war paint, her cheeks glowed a bright tangerine orange. It was like watching the arrival of the Great Pumpkin.
Frank, who hadn′t glanced up from his gear during the entire exchange, chuckled under his breath. ″Score one for Girl Gallagher.″
I could feel Lainey′s glare burning Swiss-cheese holes through me as I headed to my desk. But for the first time in a long, long while, the pressure felt good. I had a minor but heady sense of victory over my newsroom rival. Okay, so maybe the marker thing was petty, but it felt great to scuff up that golden halo of hers a little bit.
A bright pink box was sitting on top of my desk. It had a note taped to it:
Kate,
Try this on. It did wonders for Kirstie′s Big Reveal on the Oprah show. Break a leg!
Love,
Evelyn
P.S. Open this in the ladies′ room.
Following Evelyn′s advice, I retreated to a stall in the restroom. Folded inside the box in layers of tissue was a ruby red bikini.
Hastily, I stripped off my slacks and top. Then I pulled on the suit. The halter top and high-cut bottoms were stretchy. They felt actually… okay.
Taking a deep breath, I stepped out and took a look at myself in the mirror. The halter top was spectacular, and the merlot-colored garment complemented my skin tone and hair perfectly. But there was no camouflaging my stomach.
″Thanks for trying, Evelyn,″ I said aloud. ″But I′m doomed.″
Something else was resting at the bottom of the box, wrapped carefully in tissue. I unwrapped it and held it at arm′s length. It was a sheer, almost invisible garment.
It took me a moment to realize what I was looking at. It was a full-length, nylon body stocking. The label said, STRIPPER HOSE BY SAMANTHA.
I took the swimsuit back off and pulled the thin, gossamer film over my body. It was like donning a second skin-all the cellulite dimples in my stomach and upper thigh bulges were instantly smoothed out.
Next, I put on the bikini. With the almost-invisible body stocking, my stomach looked flat, held in. And best of all, the camera would never be the wiser. It would look to the viewing audience like I wasn′t wearing anything at all.
I ran my hands over my abdomen and thighs. Hallelujah… I might still be a plus-sized woman, but thanks to the miracle of stripper-illusion technology, there was reason to celebrate. From the right angle I could pass for one of those cha cha cherubs from the Renaissance era. Heck, give me some pink chiffon and a grotto and I′d be ready to rumba with the Three Graces.
Now if only a master artist like old Peter Paul Rubens were still around to show me how to paint my fat-scam series by the numbers, I might not be so nervous.
Chapter 23
A Word to the Wise about Body Wraps
Body wraps (where you get wrapped in bandages that are soaked in mineral clay) can help you lose inches. Here′s the bad news-it′s all water loss. Some salons claim that their wraps can zap away cellulite, but there′s no medical data to support that.
If you′re in the mood for some temporary tightening, however, you might want to try a body wrap.
– From The Little Book of Beauty Secrets by Mimi Morgan
Two hours later I was laid out on a table at a salon called Skinny Wraps. My body was wrapped from neck to toe in white bandage strips soaked in mineral clay. I looked like an escapee from Revenge of the Chubby Mummy.
″So, where′s your escape camel, Kate? Cooling its toes outside the pyramid?″ Frank called out. He was crouched in the corner of the room with his camera, getting a low-angle shot of me getting plaster-cast in a body wrap.
″You′re a funny guy, Frankenstein. Kiss my Irish ass.″
″You want to see funny, wait till you get a load of this shot on camera.″ Frank moved in for a tight-in of my mummified thighs-my punishment for calling him by his most-hated nickname, Frankenstein.
A ″reduction technician″ named Yolanda took my measurements with a tape measure. For this part of the show, I′d donned my bikini. Even though my measurements were embarrassing, at least the surfaces were smooth and tight, thanks to Evelyn′s stripper stocking. God bless her.
″We have an excellent result,″ Yolanda announced in a German-sounding accent that turned Ws into Vs. ″You′ve lost eleven inches total from your body measurements.″
Since I′d started with about two hundred inches total (counting practically every curved surface on my body), that was a five percent shrinkage. And even though I suspected that Yolanda might have taken some slight liberties with the tape measure to shave off some inches, secretly I was impressed.
Overall, the taping at Skinny Wraps had gone much better than I′d expected. That was a good thing, because my day was about to change direction in a major way. Everything about my life was about to go downhill.
Rapidly.
Chapter 24
The Best Foundation Starts with a Brush
Here′s a tip I learned from a makeup artist: The best way to put on makeup foundation is with a brush, not a sponge or-worst of all-your fingers. And you should make sure to use a well-tapered, synthetic brush. Natural brushes absorb too much foundation and skin oil and can lead to an uneven result.
– From The Little Book of Beauty Secrets by Mimi Morgan
″Come with me to zee casbah tonight, Kate. I have a sultan′s son I want you to meet. He has a magic flying carpet.″
″Evelyn, the last thing I want to do right now is meet someone new. I haven′t even officially broken up with Jonathan yet. I haven′t talked to him since I caught him in bed with Gi. Besides, I just made a fresh batch of sour cream onion dip.″
I was sprawled out on the couch in my living room, covered in sour cream potato chip crumbs, holding my cell phone to my ear. Elfie was perched in her favorite spot-atop my chest, purring, with her paws tucked underneath her.