“Our cousin’s the official trapper. I just helped.”
“The point is you’re skilled. Which came in pretty handy last summer when Mama got herself into that mess with the murder.”
I glanced at Maddie again. She looked serious.
“I mean it, Sister. I hate to think what would have happened to Mama if you hadn’t been there.”
“We’re not going to hug now, are we?”
“Not a chance.” Maddie grinned. “Speaking of Mama, I hope she doesn’t get herself into trouble again. She was there when Ronnie’s body was found.”
“Yeah, but I’m the one who found him, and I can vouch for her whereabouts.”
Maddie’s hero Dr. Laura was belittling a caller. I punched the button back to the country station. Joe Nichols sang “It Ain’t No Crime.”
“I’m not sure exactly where Carlos and I stand these days. But I’m pretty sure he knows Mama and I wouldn’t conspire to murder her neighbor.”
“Speaking of Carlos, what’s up with you two, anyway? We’re all sick to death of you going back and forth, forth and back. Y’all need to either go, or get off the pot.”
“Elegantly put, Maddie.”
“I thought he’d be your date to the wedding. Now Mama tells me you asked her to invite him separately. Why’d you do that?”
“Quiet. I’m looking for the address.”
She snorted, meaning she wouldn’t give up.
“Okay, fine. I didn’t want the added pressure of being a couple at the wedding. All sorts of expectations go with that. What if we break up for good? Carlos will be in all the wedding pictures.”
Maddie was silent for a moment. “That’s ridiculous, Mace. Given Mama’s track record, even the groom could be out of the picture before the wedding album is bound. You’re making excuses. Lame ones, too.”
I slammed on the brakes. “Dammit, I passed it. I told you I needed to concentrate.”
Backing up, I scanned addresses. You could tell the leisure pursuits of the residents by their mailbox designs: some were shaped like largemouth bass; the others looked like golf balls perched on tees. I passed two bass before I came to a ball.
“Looks like we’re here.” I pulled into a circular driveway, parking behind a silver Lexus.
“Don’t think you’re getting off that easy, Mace. Once you’ve made this cul-de-sac safe from rampaging snakes, we will talk about your sorry love life.”
I got out, slamming the Jeep’s door. Maddie had to know I’d sooner face the snake.
_____
A blonde of indeterminate age answered my knock. She took a step back when she saw my get-up. I held a forty-inch rod with a hooked end, and snake tongs with a rubber-coated jaw. My leather gloves were lined with Kevlar; extra long cuffs shielded my wrists and forearms.
It was probably just a yellow rat snake or an Eastern garter, which I could have plucked out by hand and plopped into a pillowcase. But it didn’t hurt to be prepared if the specimen was more lethal. Besides, the customers felt they got their money’s worth when I showed up looking ready for war.
“Are you the snake woman?”
“Guess so,” I answered.
“Thank God you’re here! I nearly had a heart attack when I went in to get my clothes out of the dryer.” She smoothed her already perfect hair, bobbed precisely to the chin. “No one told us when we bought here the place was crawling with snakes.”
I wanted to ask where she expected them to go after the developers plowed up the snakes’ homes and plopped down tract housing. Instead, I said, “Well, the good news about snakes is they keep the rat population down.”
She gave me a funny look. Hard to tell if it was a grin or a grimace with all the Botox in her face.
I figured I’d better make some polite conversation, work on my customer relations. I nodded toward the Lexus. “Nice car. Do you like it?”
“It’s getting ruined with all these bad roads down here.”
“Yep, you don’t see too many fancy cars in these parts.” An image of C’ndee’s snazzy red Mustang flitted through my mind.
“Funny, I just saw another Lexus early this morning, at Gladys’ Diner in town. Deep green. First one I’ve seen down here.” She patted her non-existent stomach and gave me what could have been a guilty look. “I’m hooked on that little spot’s pancakes and sausage.”
She motioned me into the living room. It was as blinding as a blizzard—white leather sofa, plush white carpet, a decorator’s collection of white reeds in a ceramic floor vase. I hoped the mud from the puddle in the VFW parking lot—not to mention Ronnie’s blood from the kitchen—wasn’t still stuck in the tread of my boots.
We passed down a long hallway. Family photos in white frames hung in neat groupings on the walls. Kids with good teeth and resort tans posed with surfboards, tennis rackets, or snow skis. They grew up as we progressed, until the last few pictures showed them cradling young children of their own.
So the blonde, with her stylish Capri pants and pale pink toenail polish, was a grandmother. Funny, she didn’t look a bit like Maw-Maw, who’d had a comfortable, generous lap, and gray hair tucked up into a granny bun.
“It’s in there.” With a shudder, she pointed a pink fingernail at a closed door off the hallway. “Be careful.”
As I opened the door, the blonde plastered herself against the opposite wall, side-stepping down the hall. I thought about making a fake rattling sound, to really convince her I was earning my fee, but decided against it. I didn’t want her to faint right there on the floor.
I closed the door behind me and stepped to the dryer.
A beautiful corn snake, orangey-brown with black-bordered reddish blotches, was coiled near the vent. He’d probably been enjoying the serpent’s version of a dry heat sauna.
“Don’t worry, fella, I’m not gonna hurt you.” I whispered, since it wouldn’t do to let the client know I’m friendly with the enemy. “We’re gonna find you a nice, new home.”
I leaned toward the snake, my hook at the ready.
The blond newcomer followed me down the driveway and pressed some rolled-up bills into my hand. “There’s a little something extra, for you being so brave!”
I smiled modestly, glancing at Maddie just in time to see her roll her eyes.
Once we were back on the highway, my sister turned in her seat to the rear of the Jeep. Lifting the air-holed lid off a plastic pail, she peeked inside at the snake.
“Oh, c’mon, Mace.” She snorted. “You took that poor woman’s money for this? It’s still a baby!”
“Not technically, Maddie. Two feet is definitely an adult.”
“So that works out to, what? Forty dollars a foot?”
“Fifty. Not including the tip.”
“You’re shameless, Sister!”
“Hey, she had a problem, I was the solution. That’s business. Besides, that gal with her white slacks and manicured nails is not about to go crawling around after a snake. To her, it’s worth what she paid, maybe more, to not have to do it herself.”
“So you’re really performing a public service.”
“That’s right.”
“Yeah, and Donald Trump just wants the best for all those people he fires on TV. Be sure to take that creature in the pail far away from my house. And, by the way, Moneybags, you’re buying the pizza for Mama’s house tonight.”
Maddie and I passed the ranch for sale again on our way back to town. Cattle herded together in stands of sabal palms, seeking shade from the midday sun. I envied them, in a way. They had no concept of the future, no foreboding about the development creeping inland from the coasts, threatening to ruin the ranches-and-rodeo lifestyle that makes Himmarshee unique.