"Then why are you so upset?" I pull her against my chest and wrap my arms around her.
"I crossed a threshold. I've crossed a few since we met. And I've liked every one of them. Before now it's always been more or less boring and vanilla. Tonight I trusted you enough to take a step into uncharted territory. Again. And I freaking loved it! I loved it so much, I want more. You keep opening these doors and leading me through them, and each time I discover something wonderful and new. And you're the reason it's great. I want to try things with you that I don't even know I want to try. And that's because I trust you, Cooper. And it terrifies me."
"What's so wrong with trusting me?"
"I know what you are. I mean the minute I met you I realized you were a player."
With a feather light touch I run my fingertips up and down her arms.
"That's why you wanted to surprise me? You wanted to see if I was alone?"
She shrugs. "Maybe. I mean I hoped you would be."
"And I was." I take her hand in mine and entwine our fingers. "So if you found me alone and you want more of what happened earlier, I don't see what the problem is." I feel myself getting agitated because she's emotional over nothing, and I don't do well with emotions. But I work at keeping my tone soft and even so she has no excuse to leave my bed tonight.
"The problem is when I'm in your arms like this, I believe in love and fairytales and happy endings. I believe in all those things I'm smart enough to know don't exist."
"Maybe they do." I lean my head over her shoulder and rest my cheek against hers. "Maybe when you’re in my arms I believe in those things, too. And when you're not in my arms I count the minutes until I get you back in them. I haven't been with anyone else since we're together, Selene. I haven't wanted to. I just want you."
"Yeah, but for how long?"
"I don't know." I answer honestly and swallow down the lump in the back of my throat. "But all you ever have to do is ask, and I promise I'll tell you the truth."
Chapter 12
Noah settles into the seat next to me. I think about keeping my eyes closed, but don't. I'm glad he's here because those early memories of Selene are eating away at me.
"I knew from the beginning she was no good for me. She made me feel something besides emptiness and loneliness."
"I disagree. I think she was, is, perfect for you. Besides, I think she probably feels the same way about you. I mean she's already forgiven you for a mountain of shit people don't usually get forgiven for in a lifetime, let alone less than a year."
I know he's trying to make light of the situation and cheer me up, but it's not working. Instead he's reminding me of what a shit I've been to her.
"You ever wonder what would've happened if she went home with you that night instead of me? You ever wish it shook out differently?"
"I was pretty happy with the thought of leaving with the twins. Until I realized they were so pissed at you the only action I was going to see was their asses as they walked away."
I cover my mouth with my hand and let out a long sigh. My chest is fucking killing me. Each breath brings with it a sharp burning pain on the left side. I wonder if it's a heart attack. Talk about poetic justice. I discover I have a heart only to feel the excruciating pain of having it self-destruct.
"I'm such a piece of shit. She doesn't deserve a son-of-a-bitch like me. She should've been with you all along. You're the better man. Always were. Always will be."
"C'mon, Coop." Noah shoves my shoulder. "I've never seen you like this. You need to pull yourself together."
"Just answer the fucking question! Do you regret giving her up and letting me take her home?"
"No." He shakes his head.
"You could've made her happy."
"But she loves you. And I love Lexi."
"No, man she doesn't love me. She can't possibly. I fucking blew it with her over and over."
"The great thing about love is that it's forgiving."
"This isn't like Lexi forgiving you for something you never did. This was me being me, a selfish prick, afraid to be honest about what I felt. And the truth is, I don't deserve forgiveness."
"That's bullshit. The first thing you need to do is cut this pity party short. Because this isn't you. And when we get back, she needs you to be strong and help her, no, force her to pull through."
"But I'm not strong, and she knows it. I'm a fucking coward." I scrub my hands over my face.
The fasten seatbelt sign lights up as the captain's voice sounds throughout the plane. "Looks like we're heading for a bumpy patch, so please be sure to fasten your seat belts and remain seated."
"Go. I'm sure Lexi would feel better if you're sitting with her."
I turn away expecting my friend to get up and leave me. Instead, I hear the clicking sound of the seat belt in the seat next to mine fastening.
"She's fine. And she has your dad. Right now I need to be here. With you."
He pats my knee.
"I swear you're such a fucking woman."
"Cut the shit, Coop."
"Did I ever tell you about the flight to Italy?"
"No. You laid on the bullshit story about what happened before you left Italy."
"See, it's my first instinct to lie. And it's not like that story made me look better than the truth. I came off looking like a fucking dick head. And to you of all people, you're the one person that doesn't judge me, the one person that's stuck with me through all the shit and helped me wade through it. And I still fucking lied to you."
"At the time, I wasn't exactly the poster boy for truth and honesty. Maybe you sensed something in me was off. Maybe your subconscious needed to know I wasn't with Lexi before you could trust me with the truth."
"You're just like Selene, making me out to be something better than I am."
"No man. I'm telling you like it is. Why don't you put your self-improvement plan on hold for the moment, and tell me about the flight."
"You think I can really do that?"
"What?"
"Change? Be better?"
"Depends." He shrugs. "I think if it's what you want, then yes. But it has to be something you want, not something you're doing because you're feeling bad or guilty."
I nod. Not sure I believe him, but considering the possibility that I could make it happen. "She was working the flight, so I had to sit alone. She made sure I had an aisle seat, to make it easier for me to move around."
"You had sex on the plane? In that disgusting bathroom? How could you even both fit in there?"
"You think I'm that classless that I'd even ask her to do that?" He raises an eyebrow in response. "Besides, she had access to the crew rest area. She knew when they'd be going on break and told me how to open the door to get up there."
"Crew rest area?"
"It was awesome. They have these small little cubbies, each with a cheap, little mattress for the crew to lie down on during the flight."
"Didn't she worry that she'd get caught?"
I shrug. "Worry? Not so much. Besides. They were partitioned and each spot had a privacy curtain. We settled into the one in the far corner."
"No one came up while you were there?"
I chuckle, "She knew when it would be empty."
"So how was it?"
"How do you think? It was like sex always is with her, out of this fucking world."