My hands are clenched into fists at my sides. I never wanted to hit a woman so bad in my life. I'm struggling, using every ounce of self-restraint to keep myself from decking her and pounding on her face until she goes away forever.
"You turned away from me. Turned me away when I needed you the most."
"Go back to where ever the hell you came from."
"Not until I see the look on your face." Again that knowing sneer. That sneer that says she has the upper hand. She can't possibly. Not unless . . .
I know the blood just drained from my face. Maybe even my whole body. "What did you do to her?"
"Go ahead, Cooper. Look. Take a look at your precious Selene. You know you want to. You're trying to convince yourself that everything is fine, but you know better. You feel it in here." She taps her hand against my chest, and it hurts, as if she zapped me with a lethal electrical charge.
"Come on. You know looking will confirm your worst fear. You'll never believe if you don't see it. You want to look. You want to look so bad you're forcing your eyes closed, because you don't want to give me the satisfaction, and you know if they're open the temptation is too great. You're going to do it, Cooper. You might as well get it over with." She shoves me forward and pushes the back of my head. "Look, Cooper! Look at her lying on the ground."
Luna has me in some sort of paralysis grip. I'm at the edge, facing forward and I can't move. I try to fight her hold on me, but it does nothing. Nothing but wear me out and frustrate me. And then it happens, just as she said, I can't keep my eyes from looking down and seeing my precious Selene, splattered on the ground, blood all around her.
"Selene!" The scream is so loud, so guttural I think a vein in my head burst and my vocal cords snapped in half. I can't breathe. The pain in my chest feels like it's been ripped open and someone's breaking my ribs apart. "Selene!" I cry again.
"Shh. I'm right here." Her hands are on either side of my face, holding me. Her soft lips press against my cheek, making their way to my mouth. "I'm right here, Cooper."
I open my eyes and stare at her afraid she's going to shimmy away and disappear. It's her. My beautiful, sweet Selene. I run my hands through the soft blonde curls, and over the flawless creamy skin of her face making sure she's real. My trembling fingers comb through her hair, and I pull her to me. I need to hold her, feel her. I don't say anything. My throat burns, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to speak again.
"You're okay, Cooper." She kisses my forehead damp with sweat and holds me close. "It was just a dream."
Not a dream. A fucking nightmare.
I take her face between my shaking hands and hold her still, so I can look in her eyes and make sure they're bright and full of fire. She's nervous. Scared. So am I. I'm scared out of mind. Downright terrified.
"Selene," I whisper, my voice inaudible. "Don't leave me." I feel wetness on my cheek, and I know sometime while I was sleeping, or screaming, or finding solace in her arms, tears have escaped from my eyes. I'm such a pussy. I hate myself. Hate that I'm crying like a little fucking girl.
"I'm not going anywhere," she assures me, kissing the salty tears away as she straddles me. Having given into exhaustion earlier in the night, we fell asleep naked. This is all I need, the feel of her body against mine. Even under the stress of the nightmare, my body responds to her. I'm hard. I have no will, no ability to think or act right now. All I can do is lose myself in her blue eyes. Lose myself to the fact that she's alive and safe, and in my arms.
"It's okay, Cooper. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere," she says reaching down, using her hand first, to stroke me, and then to position me inside her. Once settled on top of me so that I'm deep within her, Selene's fingers twine in my hair, she's holding me and forcing me to look at her while she speaks and moves her hips.
"Feel me. I'm here. I'm with you. I'm all around you."
I wrap my arms around her tight and lean my head against her chest, not used to being so close, so intimate. I surrender to her completely while I do little more than listen to the cadence of her heartbeat, and cling to her as she moves in a smooth, easy rhythm. I'm completely still, except to tilt my head up and stare at her face every now and then. Each time I do, I find her looking back at me. Like she knows what's on my mind and in my heart. I just want to look in her eyes and hope that simple connection can express everything I wish I could say.
Within minutes, I'm composed. I didn't realize how desperately I needed to be inside her, how I needed to be one with her. Every touch is tender and passionate. She's expressing more than her physical needs and desires. She's expressing something much deeper, much more important. She not only understands what I need, she's giving it to me. Unselfishly. Asking for nothing in return.
In my head, I say the words over and over. I say what I'm feeling, what I'm sure she already knows. "I love you. I love you so much, Selene." But those words can't leave my mouth, no matter how bad I want them to. They stay trapped in my head, trapped in my throat. I can't get them past my lips. It's as if they're a vial of poison and saying them will shatter the container, and blast the poison not just through my heart, but through my mind and body as well. I keep trying, but I can't get any sound out of my mouth.
Once again it's like she knows what I'm thinking, as she stares lovingly into my eyes, her gaze never wavering. "It's okay, Cooper. I'm here." She says crushing her mouth on mine and containing my screams as I become a slave to my body and explode inside her.
Chapter 16
Make believe works on both ends. I can pretend she's fine, and now it's her turn to make believe I'm still the great guy she wants me to be. Selene doesn't ask me what happened. She doesn't look to digest my life and find the hidden meaning. She lays besides me and when my arms wrap around her and pull her against my chest, she snuggles up and holds my arms tight.
I should say something. I know I should, but I can't. What can I say? "Sorry I'm such a pussy, babe." No. If I have an iota of self-respect left I can't apologize. But I have to say something.
"Thank you," I whisper into her ear.
She lets out a long breath, and I feel her body relax even further and meld into mine. "Anytime."
Within minutes I feel the change in her breathing, and I know she's asleep. I close my eyes and recapture the look she had in her eyes when she was on top of me a few minutes ago. So sweet. So beautiful. I don't know how long it takes me to fall back asleep, but at some point I do, and I don't wake again until late in the morning.
We make small talk over breakfast. Selene doesn't ask what happened last night and keeps the conversation light and easy. She's amazing.
My feelings for her surprise me more with each passing day. I keep waiting for the moment I don't want to be with her, but it doesn't come. It's been months now, and no annoying habits have gotten under my skin. Nothing but her. I don't want to be without her. That must be the reason for the nightmares. I'm realizing just how deep inside me she is. And I'm afraid.